Category: this is my life

Friday the 13th

Arbitrary (though accurate) subject as do not care one bit whether it’s Friday the 13th or 12th or 14th.

I woke up this morning oh so comfortably; I went to bed on time last night and got plenty of sleep, and got up one snooze before I normally do. (Is a “snooze” an amount of time? In this case, it’s 9 minutes.) I was dreaming about Matt when I woke up, but it was a really odd dream. For some reason, we were hanging out with our friend Dawn; Matt had gone to put on warmer clothes or something, and when he got back I got on top of him and held his face in my hands and asked him why he left me. All I remember is Dawn saying that she would have let him instead of trying to keep him alive and miserable here, and then I think I got up and punched her in the face. (Dawn, I doubt you’re reading this, but if you are rest assured that I don’t really want to punch you in the face at all.)

It was a better dream than the ones I usually have about Matt, because I knew while I was dreaming that he was dead.

The drive to work this morning was gorgeous – beautiful weather, lovely temperature, and it’s starting to feel like fall. I wonder if every good thing (like fall) will be bittersweet for the rest of my life, because I will always regret that Matt isn’t here to share it with me. That’s how it is now.

Guys, I’m not whole. I’m telling this to myself though, because it’s easy to get distracted and have a few good weeks and then remember that I’m still broken. Someone shared a quote with me (they weren’t sure who said it) – “Face what I feel now, and what I felt before but didn’t have the resources to feel.” Progress. I’m making it. Slowly.

I AM making progress. I got a new phone recently and had to figure out how to save all my voicemail from my old phone – including several from Matt which I hadn’t listened to in a long time but never want to delete. I didn’t listen to all of them when I was transferring them to the computer, but I did hear several. Of course, I can still hear Matt’s voice in my head if I try – which I don’t, because it always makes me cry. So I was pleased that I was able to deal with hearing the voice messages again. Of course they made me cry, but I did it anyway.

There’s so much of Matt all over my house. I went into the library to play my guitar a little yesterday but didn’t even pick it up because I was too distracted/overwhelmed by Matt. I lost so, so much when he died. I didn’t lose my future, but I lost the only future that I wanted – one with him.

But then I was listening to NPR this morning and they were interviewing some Syrian refugees, and the refugees were talking about how they can’t go home – they have no home left because their villages have been bombed. And that made me remember that I am SO privileged. I’ve lost my husband and my most preferred future, but I still have my house, my cats, my job, my family, my friends. I don’t want to downplay my loss(es), but honestly, just remembering that these Syrian refugees are PEOPLE just like I and everyone I know are, living with the same desires that we are, I feel so thankful for what I do have.

Anyway. Enough blogging.

again

like an hour after my earlier post, I’m too lazy to go in and edit that one – so new post.

I went to the Alliance of Hope forum (for survivors of suicide), which I hadn’t visited in a while. I went because I wanted to know if I’m trying to put too much pressure on myself to heal and be productive and active and happy, or if it’s OK for me to be this despondent 29 weeks in. the consensus seems to be that 6 months is practically nothing and that it’s still OK for me to not be “better.” makes me feel more better than worse, just to know that I’m still behaving normally.

I miss Matt so much. I miss having Matt to love me and be committed to me – the way that married people are committed. I want to text him and tell him that I’m depressed and need him to come hug me and tell me that I’m pretty and smart and his love. I’m crying more at work this morning than possibly ever before. so far no one has noticed though – this is the good thing about working in a cubicle. what would be our 3 year wedding anniversary is coming up in a couple of weeks – another day to dread. I don’t know if taking that day off work would be a good idea or a horrible, terrible idea.

everyone’s lives are all back to normal and everything, I know. maybe the Ralstons’ lives not so much – I don’t know. it’s hard to reach out to people when you’re depressed but need company. I don’t want to hang out with friends and just be moody all evening. the despondency doesn’t lend itself to being proactive anyway. I’m so thankful for my friends (like Katie and Cathy) who still reach out to me even when I don’t reach out to them as much – THANK YOU. I feel like I should be capable of telling people when I need them, but it’s always been a problem for me and when I feel like this it’s practically impossible. at least I still have two friends (sorry, I know that’s super melodramatic).

29

It’s been one of those weeks. Actually, last week was a little like this, too. For whatever reason (I think there are several at play) Matt keeps popping into my head; I’ll be driving along and suddenly – without seeming provocation – I miss him dreadfully. Or I’ll be sitting at my desk at work. Or hanging out with friends.

One reason that I’ve been more depressed this week is that I haven’t been forcing myself to be productive as much. Lazy as I am, productivity inevitably makes me feel better. I know, I shouldn’t be so lazy. But it’s so hard to make myself do stuff sometimes….

I really, really, really fucking miss Matt. It’s been over six months but I am not a whole person again yet – or at least I sure don’t feel like it. I know healing takes a long time…and I’m starting to be able to attest to that personally.

I could probably write more, but it wouldn’t be positive and I try not to be too negative at work.

Yay Friday…!

Plan for today inludes the following.

– Either take a nap or a shower on my lunch break. Probably nap.
– Take a walk when I get home from work (going to try to start doing this…my will power seems to fluctuate daily)
– Clean the house a bit
– Do some laundry
– If I take a nap at lunch, there will probably be a bath after work
– Maybe I should buy a bottle of champagne or something to go with the bath. Could use some more flowers too.
– Definitely buying champagne and taking a bath.

Confession – I have been watching the League, which I never thought would be interesting at all as it’s about a bunch of people on a fantasy football league. Surprisingly, it’s really funny. Post-bath I might watch this while doing my nails, or something.

This seems like a relaxing plan for a Friday night. Now it just needs to hurry up and be 5:00.

28

Have the weeks slowed down? Seems like 28 weeks isn’t a long enough period of time.

I’m still feeling like a little fish navagating a huge ocean, but I guess that’s kind of what’s going on so I shouldn’t feel bad about feeling this way. Makes it hard to be productive sometimes though. On Tuesday I started mowing the lawn and was going to TRY to get both front and back done, but wasn’t making myself any guarantees because I wasn’t feeling great (mostly just low-energy). Then Ryan showed up and decided to mow the whole front yard, so I went inside and washed the dishes. Clean kitchen AND short grass. It was good. Kitchen is still mostly clean….

Otherwise I haven’t been super productive. Lucille decided to spray all over my bed (because she’s a Seaward…or a c word…or whatever) so I had to wash that stuff, but that was out of necessity and I don’t really count it as productivity.

So I saw a Facebook post last night that I commented on. It was a whim and I wasn’t expecting any responses at all. I didn’t get too many, but I was kinda touched. Someone even said, “Thanks for these words, they gave me the force to keep up for today.” I’m not 100% sure what that means, but then my boss brought me this little quote from her Yogi tea bags that says “We are here to love each other, serve each other, and uplift each other.” (OK, addition of Oxford comma was mine.) Just another reminder that my life is one out of so very many, and we all have our own problems and concerns, and if I can help even a handful of people then I’ve done better than I could have.

Yep, aspiring to do better than nothing. 🙂 It’s the right direction for sure.

I really wish Matt was here so I could tell him all about what I’m learning from all this.

twenty seven weeks

Sorry I haven’t been blogging much lately. Everything’s been fine – I’ve just been really social over the last week and haven’t had that much time or inclination to blog. I find that I enjoy being around friends more than I remember enjoying in the past, but I am still going to need probably the whole weekend to recuperate.

I’ve been super lazy this week. 🙂 Other than spending time with friends, I haven’t done much of anything. Haven’t washed the dishes in at least a week, and even though I’m still working on the disposables that Bill and Helen’s church gave me when Matt died, the dishes are building up. I might work on those this evening. I need to get rid of the flowers wilting in the living room too – they add a certain element of decay to the room….

I almost feel that as I become more and more distanced from Matt as a living person, it’s harder to deal with. What I mean is that I’m actually starting to get used to my new life as a single 29-year-old, and it makes me sad but glad at the same time. I was driving home last night blaring U2 over the car speakers, and was struck with the realization that I can do whatever I want to do – no one has any say in what I do (unless I let them). When I’m struck with these moments of clarity (or whatever), my brain immediately goes to Matt and how much I miss him. Yes, being single has its merits. But I would not have traded Matt for anything.

So……I continue to trudge along a lot of the time – though I definitely have good days and fun times too. 🙂 Getting used to change in life (especially unwelcome change) has always been hard but man. This is hard. Someone told me the other day that there’s strong, and then there’s Erin Reeve strong. I was a little flattered…even though I get so tired of being strong….

26…6months…Matt’s birthday

I probably shouldn’t be writing right now…being at work and feeling pretty emotional already. I would REALLY like to go home today. But it’s Thursday, which is typically my busiest day, and I think I should struggle through it. All I’m going to do at home is sleep and/or cry so I might as well be here making money.

But it’s going to be hard to force myself to be cheerful today.

This day last year, Matt was at Parthenon and I wasn’t even allowed to visit him on his birthday. So, I took him a copy of the Tao that I had re-bound in leather, along with a letter, and left it for him at the front desk. We talked on the phone at some point that day. It was a horrible birthday and I figured that this year would be better.

After work, some friends are meeting me at the Brewhouse for a couple of drinks – it seemed like an appropriate way to celebrate Matt’s birthday. I think that’s what we did on my birthday last year actually. 🙂 Right now, I’m not looking forward to it, but once I wake up and start feeling better (which I’m hoping will happen), I expect that to change. We’ll see.

Standing outside watching the clouds drift across the moon, I’m reminded that my pain is a drop hin the bucket of human suffering. And somehow it’s comforting to know that I can accept this pain as a part of my life and still move on.

24

Two weeks away from the 6 month mark.

I feel like I’ve blogged enough this week to give everyone a general idea of my current mental state. It’s been a better week so far than last week, though there have been bad moments too. Can’t complain too much though.

So it’s going to sound absurd, but sometimes I feel guilty for not letting myself feel guilty. You know? I am completely debt-free now – the only bills I have now are for services that I use every month. This isn’t making me nearly as happy as I always imagined that I would be once I paid off my loans, but I’m not letting myself feel guilty. The guilt is irrational and Matt would disapprove. But it reminds me of that one post from maybe 4 or 5 months ago where I just kept saying that I don’t want to let go. But I have to let go. But I don’t want to let go. I’m not in that place to the extent that I was before, but I still feel it.

Everything that everyone has told me about grieving has been true so far. Time has helped. The good days are more frequent and the bad days less frequent, though the intensity with which I miss Matt has not diminished. I still cry as loudly as I did that first week – just not as often.

I’ve been feeling very fortunate this week. I’m not going to say that it takes something bad happening for you to realize how good you have it, because I knew I had it good before. But the perspective is interesting.

Just complaining some more – so be forewarned!

I’ll try not to complain the WHOLE post.

My life is changing, and I am changing, but some things have not changed yet. For example, I find myself – every now and then – being energized by the freedom that comes with being single. There are good and bad things about every situation, and this is one of the good things. The bad part is that as I’m feeling good, I want to tell Matt about it. As I’m getting ready to pay off my loans, I want to tell Matt and thank him for making me be financially responsible – without him I would be so much deeper in the debt hole than I am.

I am excited about not having any more debt, but I so long for Matt to be here to celebrate with me. I had no idea how to handle my money before meeting him. Yes, I paid the bills and put together the budget and all that – but it was because Matt wanted us to be responsible. @#$%^&*#$%&$%*@&@!#%

Oh………..sigh…………..I miss him so damned much.

And my feelings of helplessness with regards to the situation will never go away, I’m sure. The thing I want most is for Matt to be here and to be happy, but I couldn’t make him happy (or at least keep him happy) while he was here, and I sure can’t do anything about it now. His birthday is two weeks from Thursday, and frankly, I’m scared. I just want to skip that day. I think I need to plan something for that evening so that I don’t spend the whole time in bed lying in a fetal position (which I can definitely see that happening otherwise).

Anyway.

So Lucille 2 has ear mites (hooray). I have some pain medicine and ear ointment to give her, and last night ALL she wanted to do was either sit on my lap or be held by me. And she slept on the bed next to me and Lucille 1 all night. She’s SO pitiful and adorable and sweet and sad!! I found myself wanting to stay home to take care of her, but it’s not like there’s much I can do anyway. I think the pain medicine kind of puts her out of it. Poor kitty. Oh, and she has the Cone of Shame on too, so that she doesn’t try to mess with her stitches, and that just compounds the pitifulness! Here’s a picture.

blog - lucille 2

So there’s your update.