twenty seven weeks

Sorry I haven’t been blogging much lately. Everything’s been fine – I’ve just been really social over the last week and haven’t had that much time or inclination to blog. I find that I enjoy being around friends more than I remember enjoying in the past, but I am still going to need probably the whole weekend to recuperate.

I’ve been super lazy this week. 🙂 Other than spending time with friends, I haven’t done much of anything. Haven’t washed the dishes in at least a week, and even though I’m still working on the disposables that Bill and Helen’s church gave me when Matt died, the dishes are building up. I might work on those this evening. I need to get rid of the flowers wilting in the living room too – they add a certain element of decay to the room….

I almost feel that as I become more and more distanced from Matt as a living person, it’s harder to deal with. What I mean is that I’m actually starting to get used to my new life as a single 29-year-old, and it makes me sad but glad at the same time. I was driving home last night blaring U2 over the car speakers, and was struck with the realization that I can do whatever I want to do – no one has any say in what I do (unless I let them). When I’m struck with these moments of clarity (or whatever), my brain immediately goes to Matt and how much I miss him. Yes, being single has its merits. But I would not have traded Matt for anything.

So……I continue to trudge along a lot of the time – though I definitely have good days and fun times too. 🙂 Getting used to change in life (especially unwelcome change) has always been hard but man. This is hard. Someone told me the other day that there’s strong, and then there’s Erin Reeve strong. I was a little flattered…even though I get so tired of being strong….

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I'm a young, childless widow who is trying to figure out the best way to deal with the world in light of my late husband's suicide. It's harder than I ever imagined it would be, but somehow at the same time I am still alive and even happy sometimes.

3 thoughts on “twenty seven weeks”

  1. Oh! What a great blog. Strength seems to always be a hindsight. When you’re in it, you just do what you got to do. And more often than not (in my experience), the feeling that accompanies that is the insecure kind. I’ve been thinking about this a lot. If it applies, hoorah, but I’m really just thinking out loud, responsively. I’ve got a small handful of strains in my life at the moment, and when I look at how I’m dealing with them, all I see is that I’m a flailing, helpless little weinie in the middle of it all. I wANt to be well, content, and growing, but my thoughts so instinctively gravitate toward sadness, discomfort, and stagnancy. It’s only when my thoughts are jarred by someone else going through something, that I realize.. we’re struggling becAUSe.. we know (somewhere down there) what’s good. We know where we want to be. And it’s a good place.

    Have I mentioned how much glad I am that you blog? It’s like getting to know you. And you’re all right! 🙂


  2. I love your view on things right now, and I’m glad that I get to hang out and be single with you. It is very, very freeing to think that you only have to consider yourself. That’s always a nice feeling. You are definitely the strongest, bravest, best woman I have ever known. And I love, love, love you!


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