Standing at the beach. Thinking that time heals all wounds, unless they’re too big and you die. I guess the latter happened to Matt. I don’t think I’m going to die though, which makes my chances of healing from all of this pretty good. I have to keep reminding myself of this.
I’m so scared that I’ll never find anyone who makes me as happy as Matt did.
Matt’s been dead over a week now. It seems like the time has been passing sooooo slowly, but on the other hand it feels like forever since things were normal. Over a week since our last dinner together, our last shower together, our last game of cribbage. I wish I had been able to do more for him. I know I did SO MUCH but I can’t keep at bay the voices telling me that I should have done more.
It’s so hard when the ONLY thing you want is the only thing you can never have. I am just finding it almost impossible to care about anything else – how I look, eating, cleaning, doing anything at all. I know other people have other stuff going on in their lives now and I think maybe I should ask them about things, but I just can’t summon the strength and will to care. I’m sure this won’t last forever. Just like I knew my life with Matt wouldn’t last forever. I always wanted to be the first one to die, but I honestly don’t know that Matt would have made it without me. We had so much love. I still do.
I hate not being able to do anything to fix this or make it better. It’s like all I can do is sit here and soak it all in, and it’s not fun.
I’ve been drawing pictures of Matt. I don’t know if it’s beneficial or just making me more inclined to start crying, but I guess I’m “enjoying” it because I keep doing it. I miss his face so much. Oh my god.
I just want the days to pass quickly so that maybe a better time will come, but the time is going so slowly. I always wanted time to slow down when Matt and I were together because I never got tired of being around him, but it flew by then. I guess I’ll look back on the happy memories fondly at some point, but now they just make my whole body ache. I’m trying not to feel hopeless but some hours are harder than others.
I miss my other half like I had some limbs amputated. It’s so, so wrong and it hurts.
Over at Matt’s aunt’s house with family. It’s nice to have all of these people around and I’m trying to let myself soak in the love from everyone. It’s…good, but hard because everything is hard. Today has actually been slightly better than yesterday but I’m still very much an emotional roller coaster. I miss my husband so so badly.
I am continuing to fight guilt. I KNOW that I did all I could. I know that Matt knew that I love him, whether he was mentally able to accept that or not. One of our most recent conversations about his depression was a few weeks ago and I told him that it was okay for him to let himself be loved by me – because he knew that I love him. He started crying. I am so sorry that I couldn’t do anything else. Even though it was the disease and nothing that I could control anyway.
I can’t help but think that if I hadn’t dragged my feet so much when he wanted to focus on exercise. I had no idea how important it was to him then. I wish I had made him exercise once I realized what it meant. There are so many things that I think I should have done differently now. I wish I had woken up earlier on Thursday and made him lunch – maybe I would have seen the gun. Or if I had remembered to stick in that love note I had written for valentines day but left at work. Or if I had gone with him to meet his friend on Wednesday night – the night he “borrowed” the gun – then wouldn’t he still be alive now?
I feel like I could have done more to help prevent this. But the truth is, even if I had been able to help him manage his symptoms (and I know that I did help), I couldn’t cure his disease. Oh how I wish he had been able to keep hanging on, but I am also so glad that he isn’t suffering and in pain anymore. I can’t fathom the pain that he was living with every day. Some days were better I know, but………
Regardless of all of this, my beloved Matt is dead now and will never be coming back to me. And I am trying to accept that fact. I want to DO something to fix all of this. I would do ANYTHING to have Matt back …but that is just not an option. I go from feeling grateful for having family around to just feeling so completely alone and destitute and broken. So completely alone, and destitute, and broken.
But I can’t deny reality.
This blog has certainly taken a depressing turn. I can’t even bring myself to read any past entries.
The mornings are so hard. At night, I’m relieved to go to sleep; now I know why Matt liked to sleep so much – because it erases everything from your mind. But waking up is almost worse because now I have a brand new day with no Matt. No Matt. Just memories and smells absolutely everywhere I look. I just don’t want to keep going. I know that Matt wanted me to be happy though and maybe it would honor him somehow for me to pursue that. I just don’t care about anything except Matt right now. Such an enormous, gaping hole. My world is completely in pieces – am I am too.
Oh Matt. How do I keep going without you? My goals in life were to spend more time with you because I loved being around you so much. We were going to start exercising again and stop eating out and get healthier together. Now…I guess I have to do it alone. I just don’t care. I can’t believe you’re gone. We were going to buy some property and build a house together. We had just talked about adopting kids. We had SO much in front of us and I was so happy to be yours – and so happy that you were mine. These last 5 years have been the happiest of my life – I’ve never felt as loved and valued as Matt made me feel. Oh fuck. Thinking about the future without Matt just makes me want to die.
Oh Matt. I miss you more than I even thought was possible. You are my other half, and you’re not ever coming back to me.
Went to church with Matt’s dad this morning. All I could think about on the ride home is how much I wanted Matt to be waiting at home for me. I’m so thankful to have people around right now but there is still a huge void in my heart and I feel like NOTHING is going to fill it ever.
Oh Matt. Oh Matt. All I want is to be snuggled up with you right now, kissing you and telling you that I love you. I threw away your toothbrush this morning, sobbing. I can’t believe I’ll never wake up with you again, never take a shower with you again, never be able to kiss you again, never be tickled again. I feel so alone – even though my parents are here and I’ve been spending time with Matt’s family. So, so, so alone.
I just don’t know what to do. I don’t want to keep doing this. I feel so desperate and hopeless waking up each morning – to begin another empty, heart breaking day. I’m getting tired of crying all the time but there’s nothing else to do.
Oh, Matt. More than anything I want you to be at peace now. It’s what you wanted your whole life and fought so hard for, but in the end found unattainable. I’m so sorry. I wish I could have done more. I hope you know that I tried my HARDEST for you and that you meant EVERYTHING to me.
Matt’s dead.
My beautiful, smart, kind, sweet, wonderful husband shot himself on Thursday.
I…….I don’t know what to do or say. I feel empty and completely broken. I don’t want to feel anymore – this hurts so horrifically much. He’s never, ever coming back. I have to learn how to live without him. There is no “going back to normal” now because my beloved husband is gone. Dead.
EVERYthing makes me think of him. Driving down the road, going to the grocery store, being at home, being online, everything. He meant everything to me. How am I going to keep going?? I don’t want ANYTHING BUT HIM. How am I supposed to do this??! Fuck. FUCK.
I’m sorry…I know this post isn’t informative or good to read or anything. But whatever.
We were supposed to be taking a hike today and going to the bar for beers. We were doing better – I thought. I was so hopeful about the progress that we could make this year, and so hopeful that this year would be better than the last.
Now there are so many things we’ll never be able to do. I can’t believe it. But I can’t deny it either. He’s dead, and I am completely broken. I don’t want anything but my Matt back. Oh my God.
My husband gets discharged tomorrow. He’s been in there two weeks and will be getting ECT round 3 treatment 5 tomorrow.
I’m glad he’ll be coming home soon. But I’m scared too. What if he’s still just lying??? I mean, I don’t think he is, but I didn’t think he was all last month either. I just don’t know.
But I guess this is choosing to trust him again, because I’m not giving up. I suppose I should say that I’m choosing to act like I trust him, in the hopes that real trust will develop again. So we’ll see.
I’m still scared, though.
I wrote him a whole letter today basically asking him to honestly give therapy another shot, and trying to state the reasons I think that he should. Im going to ask him about it tomorrow. I need to stop being hesitant to talk about this kind of thing with him in person…we’re both pretty non-confrontational and that really doesn’t work so well for resolving issues.
We’ll see what happens. Going forward hopefully, if cautiously and alertly.
Nothing new yet. Yesterday we were both feeling pretty damned depressed and I had to try really hard not to cry while I was visiting him. He’s upset because he doesn’t feel like his doctors care about what he says and how he feels; this came up because he had his second ECT treatment yesterday and wasn’t feeling any better at all. He says that he’s told his doctors that the treatments are being less and less effective but that they keep wanting him to take them anyway. He doesn’t care enough to argue.
It feels more painful and depressing this time – for me. I know that it probably isn’t, and I re-read my entries from when he was in the hospital the first time. They seem sad enough. But I’m having a really hard time with this right now. I’m so afraid that he’ll keep doing this until it’s too late and he’s dead. I’m SO afraid of that.
I’ve started praying more this time. I don’t know if it helps or not, and I kind of doubt that it does, but it might and I don’t want to miss out on anything that might possibly help.
I left a message with a potential therapist yesterday afternoon, and I hope she calls back today. I need some advise. I need to talk to someone about this. I’ve been writing letters to my husband every day (just because it makes me feel a little more connected to him, I suppose) and can’t seem to stop myself from gushing all over the place about how sad I am and how much I miss him. I feel bad about it because he needs to be focused on HIM and not me right now (not that he is…), but I asked him last night if it makes him feel bad when I do that and he said yes and no. It makes him sad, sure, but he said that it also makes him feel loved.
Anyway.
Another whole week gone. And at least a week – probably more like ten to fourteen days is more like – to go.
I’m so sad tonight.
I called to get some counseling referrals but haven’t called to make an appointment yet. When it comes down to it, I think I do feel like going to see a therapist is a little weak and self-involved. I know, it’s silly. But I couldn’t bring myself to call yesterday at lunch, staring at the list of names.
But I need to see someone. I need advise (council) from a trained professional. I don’t know what I’m doing at all, or how to tell what’s best for me to do. I’m also, I think, afraid that whoever I see will judge me for staying with him. I just feel like the normal statute of limitations is pretty damned close, and though I don’t want to leave him at all I’m just wary of what people might think. Especially if I was to tell them what he told me standing atop that building at the hospital. I feel like a moron for just wishing I could ignore that, write it off to his drunkenness and deep depression. But … should I put a knife under my side of the bed, just in case? Do I need to be nervous?
.………………………..((((sigh))))………………………….
No Promises This Time 