Matt’s been dead over a week now. It seems like the time has been passing sooooo slowly, but on the other hand it feels like forever since things were normal. Over a week since our last dinner together, our last shower together, our last game of cribbage. I wish I had been able to do more for him. I know I did SO MUCH but I can’t keep at bay the voices telling me that I should have done more.

It’s so hard when the ONLY thing you want is the only thing you can never have. I am just finding it almost impossible to care about anything else – how I look, eating, cleaning, doing anything at all. I know other people have other stuff going on in their lives now and I think maybe I should ask them about things, but I just can’t summon the strength and will to care. I’m sure this won’t last forever. Just like I knew my life with Matt wouldn’t last forever. I always wanted to be the first one to die, but I honestly don’t know that Matt would have made it without me. We had so much love. I still do.

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I'm a young, childless widow who is trying to figure out the best way to deal with the world in light of my late husband's suicide. It's harder than I ever imagined it would be, but somehow at the same time I am still alive and even happy sometimes.

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