This blog has certainly taken a depressing turn. I can’t even bring myself to read any past entries.

The mornings are so hard. At night, I’m relieved to go to sleep; now I know why Matt liked to sleep so much – because it erases everything from your mind. But waking up is almost worse because now I have a brand new day with no Matt. No Matt. Just memories and smells absolutely everywhere I look. I just don’t want to keep going. I know that Matt wanted me to be happy though and maybe it would honor him somehow for me to pursue that. I just don’t care about anything except Matt right now. Such an enormous, gaping hole. My world is completely in pieces – am I am too.

Oh Matt. How do I keep going without you? My goals in life were to spend more time with you because I loved being around you so much. We were going to start exercising again and stop eating out and get healthier together. Now…I guess I have to do it alone. I just don’t care. I can’t believe you’re gone. We were going to buy some property and build a house together. We had just talked about adopting kids. We had SO much in front of us and I was so happy to be yours – and so happy that you were mine. These last 5 years have been the happiest of my life – I’ve never felt as loved and valued as Matt made me feel. Oh fuck. Thinking about the future without Matt just makes me want to die.

Oh Matt. I miss you more than I even thought was possible. You are my other half, and you’re not ever coming back to me.

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I'm a young, childless widow who is trying to figure out the best way to deal with the world in light of my late husband's suicide. It's harder than I ever imagined it would be, but somehow at the same time I am still alive and even happy sometimes.

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