Went to church with Matt’s dad this morning. All I could think about on the ride home is how much I wanted Matt to be waiting at home for me. I’m so thankful to have people around right now but there is still a huge void in my heart and I feel like NOTHING is going to fill it ever.

Oh Matt. Oh Matt. All I want is to be snuggled up with you right now, kissing you and telling you that I love you. I threw away your toothbrush this morning, sobbing. I can’t believe I’ll never wake up with you again, never take a shower with you again, never be able to kiss you again, never be tickled again. I feel so alone – even though my parents are here and I’ve been spending time with Matt’s family. So, so, so alone.

I just don’t know what to do. I don’t want to keep doing this. I feel so desperate and hopeless waking up each morning – to begin another empty, heart breaking day. I’m getting tired of crying all the time but there’s nothing else to do.

Oh, Matt. More than anything I want you to be at peace now. It’s what you wanted your whole life and fought so hard for, but in the end found unattainable. I’m so sorry. I wish I could have done more. I hope you know that I tried my HARDEST for you and that you meant EVERYTHING to me.

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I'm a young, childless widow who is trying to figure out the best way to deal with the world in light of my late husband's suicide. It's harder than I ever imagined it would be, but somehow at the same time I am still alive and even happy sometimes.

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