RIP, my Love

Matt’s dead.

My beautiful, smart, kind, sweet, wonderful husband shot himself on Thursday.

I…….I don’t know what to do or say. I feel empty and completely broken. I don’t want to feel anymore – this hurts so horrifically much. He’s never, ever coming back. I have to learn how to live without him. There is no “going back to normal” now because my beloved husband is gone. Dead.

EVERYthing makes me think of him. Driving down the road, going to the grocery store, being at home, being online, everything. He meant everything to me. How am I going to keep going?? I don’t want ANYTHING BUT HIM. How am I supposed to do this??! Fuck. FUCK.

I’m sorry…I know this post isn’t informative or good to read or anything. But whatever.

We were supposed to be taking a hike today and going to the bar for beers. We were doing better – I thought. I was so hopeful about the progress that we could make this year, and so hopeful that this year would be better than the last.

Now there are so many things we’ll never be able to do. I can’t believe it. But I can’t deny it either. He’s dead, and I am completely broken. I don’t want anything but my Matt back. Oh my God.

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I'm a young, childless widow who is trying to figure out the best way to deal with the world in light of my late husband's suicide. It's harder than I ever imagined it would be, but somehow at the same time I am still alive and even happy sometimes.

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