more waiting

Nothing new yet.  Yesterday we were both feeling pretty damned depressed and I had to try really hard not to cry while I was visiting him.  He’s upset because he doesn’t feel like his doctors care about what he says and how he feels; this came up because he had his second ECT treatment yesterday and wasn’t feeling any better at all.  He says that he’s told his doctors that the treatments are being less and less effective but that they keep wanting him to take them anyway.  He doesn’t care enough to argue.

It feels more painful and depressing this time – for me.  I know that it probably isn’t, and I re-read my entries from when he was in the hospital the first time.  They seem sad enough.  But I’m having a really hard time with this right now.  I’m so afraid that he’ll keep doing this until it’s too late and he’s dead.  I’m SO afraid of that. 

I’ve started praying more this time.  I don’t know if it helps or not, and I kind of doubt that it does, but it might and I don’t want to miss out on anything that might possibly help. 

I left a message with a potential therapist yesterday afternoon, and I hope she calls back today.  I need some advise.  I need to talk to someone about this.  I’ve been writing letters to my husband every day (just because it makes me feel a little more connected to him, I suppose) and can’t seem to stop myself from gushing all over the place about how sad I am and how much I miss him.  I feel bad about it because he needs to be focused on HIM and not me right now (not that he is…), but I asked him last night if it makes him feel bad when I do that and he said yes and no.  It makes him sad, sure, but he said that it also makes him feel loved. 


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I'm a young, childless widow who is trying to figure out the best way to deal with the world in light of my late husband's suicide. It's harder than I ever imagined it would be, but somehow at the same time I am still alive and even happy sometimes.

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