Category: losing matt

Remember 3 months ago today? What a terrible, awful day it was – and I can’t even remember it that clearly. Funny, I remember the 21st much more clearly than any of the subsequent days. I even remember everything I was wearing except my shirt. Pink coat, grey pants, pink heels. Standing outside of the psych hospital, chatting with the Vandy cop while we waited for the Metro cop to arrive, knowing in the back of my mind that my husband was almost definitely dead by now. It was a chilly day. The Vandy cop was extremely nice. I think his name was Kody maybe?

My weeks are becoming more “normal.” This is not in comparison to my life before Matt died, but rather to my life since then. Of course, this doesn’t mean I like it or anything, but I’m thankful that I’m not as bad off as I was three months ago. Or two months ago, or even one month ago.

I have a counselling appointment this afternoon, and it might be my last one (it’s the last free one anyway). We’ll see how it goes.

I’ve given myself a D- in working out lately, and this afternoon after work I think I’m going to work on that some – even if it’s just doing some yoga. Showering after a workout is one of the most gratifying feelings, I will say. I need to get into better shape. It’s easy to want to exercise when I’m in a good mood and feeling happy, but it’s almost impossible for me to persuade myself to do it when I don’t feel good.

Anyway. I don’t have much more to say…I mostly wanted to state that I’m going to do some yoga when I get home from work today, because saying it “out loud” so to speak seems to help me actually do it.

I miss Matt so much.  It hurts, all of it, everywhere.  Not constantly, but a lot.  I hate it when my mornings start like this, because it makes it harder to focus on work…or at least harder not to be distracted when I don’t have any work to do.  For some reason, I’ve been remembering the sound of Matt’s voice this morning, which is not a very productive thing to do.  Sometimes I want to go bury myself in a hole in the ground and never come out.  I won’t, but sometimes I want to.  That alternative seems better than never living with Matt again.  I had never been happier or more loved…..

Not feeling very imaginative this morning or I would have come up with a better subject line. Oh well.

I don’t have anything in particular to say, come to think of it. Just felt like I ought to write something since it’s been about 4 days…. So far this week has been better than last week. On Monday evening I got together with an old B&C coworkers, and then Tuesday evening ended up hanging out with the same coworker plus several other ones. Last night was uneventful; I cleaned the kitchen and did a load of laundry, then pretty much sat around watching Parks and Recreation first, then Wilfred second (Ryan picked Wilfred…not sure if I like that show or not…).

I’ve decided that I’m going to pay off all Matt’s medical bills (especially the ER bills from the 21st…@#$%&), and I’m going to pay off the scooter too. I haven’t decided for sure whether I’m going to sell it or not, but I probably will. Much as I like it and like riding it, I don’t know enough about it to maintain it properly I think. Plus I just don’t need two vehicles. It’s SUCH a cute scooter though. I’m loathe to get rid of it. We’ll see what happens though. Other than those bills, I’m just going to keep up with everything else and try to live off of my paychecks as much as possible.

I was thinking about this yesterday. Sometimes it makes me mad that Matt knew I’d be OK eventually if he killed himself. He told me so. And it also makes me a little mad that I knew he was right when he told me, and I remember feeling a little guilty denying it. Moving forward is really the only option that I have, but it doesn’t mean that I WANT to. And I know that Matt used his knowledge of my strength-of-whatever to help him feel less guilty about shooting himself. I don’t think that it would have helped for me to act weaker and more dependent on him, and that wouldn’t have been true to myself anyway, but it’s just another one of those things. Pointless to think about, but hard to ignore. *sigh*

Today, I have another appointment with my therapist lady. I feel like I should go into these sessions with something specific to say, but the biggest thing that’s happened since I saw her last week is the insurance money, and that’s not exactly upsetting me or anything. I know I’m not wasting her time because she’s getting paid and all that, but I feel like I should have more to talk about. Meh, whatever. I need to stop analyzing.

Just past the 2 month mark now, as I’m sure you probably know.

I actually had a pretty good weekend – I was pleasantly surprised. I had dinner with a friend on Friday evening, which was nice because it’s a friend who I don’t see too often and I was happy that she thought of asking me to have dinner with her. After, I went to Cafe Coco and TRIED to sit outside reading, but it was pretty chilly and I could only handle it for about an hour before I got too cold and had to go home. (I don’t like sitting INSIDE unless I have to – I’d just as soon be home.) After Coco, Cathy came over for a bit and we chatted and watched some Sex and the City (I know…guilty pleasure…).

I had to get up Saturday morning and take Bitey to the vet. He’s had an abscess behind his left ear for a few weeks now, and it keeps acting like it’s healing but then he’ll scratch off the scab and it gets worse. I was afraid that he’d end up getting it infected so I bit the bullet and made him an appointment. The vet said that Bitey looked fine overall – no infection, no fever or anything – but she prescribed him some antibiotics anyway, and some anti-inflaminatory ointment. And a cone. Bitey is so mad at me. It was HILARIOUS watching him try to manouver on Saturday because he kept running into almost everything. He’s getting used to the cone now and isn’t running into quite as much stuff, but he’s also been just sitting on the couch acting depressed all the time, too. It makes me sad, especially since on top of having a cone around his head, he also has to take antibiotics. Poor kitty.

The kittens are being pretty nice to him, though really they’re ignoring him most of the time (which is the norm). Here’s a picture of them cleaning Bitey’s head for him though, since he can’t groom himself at all now.

Anyway. I spent the rest of Saturday hanging out around the house and doing some weaving. Went to the thrift store and then the Brewhouse with Mar yesterday, and that was also nice. I got some small items at Southern Thrift; I thought about buying a turntable/CD player they had for $50 but I didn’t. Not sure why. Maybe I’ll go back and get it; I’ve wanted a turntable for a long time – ever since Hope moved out and took her record player. I have lots of records but nothing to play them on. Hm. Maybe I will go back and see if it’s still there today.

Anyway. The weaving is coming along. Warping the loom was MUCH easier this time than it was the last time. Here are a couple of pictures just for the hell of it.

Today I plan to get some cat food and more cat treats, refill my inhaler prescriptions, and clean up my house. If I have time leftover and no one around to keep me company, I might do some reading at Cafe Coco. When I was there the other night, I remembered why I always get so much more reading done while I’m there than while I’m at home (fewer distractions).

Anyway. Enough rambling.

and you know, I really don’t remember almost anything that happened eight weeks ago today.  Mom and Dad were here.  I think we went to Tammy’s at some point.  I have no idea what else.

It’s Friday, and that’s a good thing.  I’m taking Bitey to the vet tomorrow to have an abcess behind his ear checked.  Hope it’s not too expensive…I need to take the kittens to have them fixed, too.  Not doing that one tomorrow though.

Yesterday I saw my therapist lady for the third time (she had to reschedule my appointment last week).  It went fine.  She really thinks I’m doing comparatively great, and keeps forgetting that it has only been 8 weeks.  She basically told me that I need to be going out some, seeing friends some, crying some, laughing some, excercising some.  I’m pretty much doing all of those things – though not enough exercise at this point.  I’m going to try to start doing more yoga, at least to start. 

But anyway.  It continues to be good to hear from a professional that I’m doing fine.  Someone on the suicide survivors forum posted something along these lines – I never wanted a new life, but since my old one isn’t an option and this space I live in now is unbearable, I have no choice but to go toward my new life.

Yep.  Basically.  This is all horrible and awful and no fair and I don’t deserve it and I thought I was smart enough to avoid this kind of drama in my life.  But, tough shit, basically.  This is where I am now and all I can do is keep walking forward.  And that’s about all I have to say right now.

 

I woke up this morning feeling so sad. Another day at work. Another day without Matt. Another day for me to learn how to deal with with my new life without Matt in it. The days passing is a good thing, I know, because time heals. I’m trying to be as positive as possible, but that really only goes so far.

Been listening to Matt’s CDs the last couple of days – mostly the mixed ones that he made for us. I’m sure that doesn’t help with my sadness, but it also makes me feel a little more connected to Matt. I don’t know if that makes me feel better or worse, since Matt is dead and I can’t really be connected to him…ever…again.

I just still wish that I could DO something. I know that I can’t, and sometimes I feel more peaceful and/or resigned to that than other times, but I haven’t been able to completely shake it yet. If only I could go back in time…even though that probably wouldn’t help or change anything in the long term. Who knows. And it doesn’t matter anyway. I just still have this huge wound that hasn’t completely scabbed over yet. I miss my husband so horribly much. I think that writing about it helps me feel like I AM doing something, somehow, insufficient as it may be.

I think I might be getting tired of being around people so frequently. I’m surprised that it’s just now hitting me, actually. This introversion is maybe one reason that I woke up feeling so depressed this morning – because being around Matt never made me tired. Other people require more conversation and engagement, but it didn’t matter with Matt. I have a couple of other friends who are this way too, but I can’t snuggle with them or kiss their faces.

**************sigh***************

I hope today gets better.

So today didn’t turn out quite so happily as I wanted it to.  I drove Ryan out to pick up his kids, and dropped them off at his mom’s house.  I came home and took a shower and all that, and ended up going out to the Brewhouse by myself.  I have always considered going to a bar by yourself to be something that only alcoholics do, but I was so lonely and didn’t want to spend the evening on the couch watching TV.  I didn’t go to Cafe Coco because I wanted to talk to people, and whenever I’ve gone there it’s always been to read or write – the people who decide to strike up a conversation are always just a bonus.  I know that people go to bars to not be alone, so I figured that at least one person there would be willing to talk to me, and for all I know it could be interesting.

So I went, and did meet a couple of people.  I asked one person what his “story” was (probably because he reminded me a little of Joel), and he didn’t really know how to answer that.  I told him that I just meant for him to tell me what the biggest milestones in his life have been (he had at least 20 years on me).  He still didn’t have much to say.  I related that after I moved to Nashville for college, I had given up a baby for adoption and my husband committed suicide 6 weeks ago.  He was…I guess kind of dumbfounded.  He said that in his 50+ years, nothing so dramatic had ever happened.

I told him that I envied him.  What I really meant is that he was lucky.  

These kind of life events don’t happen to everyone.  I know.  But when I tell people – because I do, because both of those things have been defining parts of my life – I don’t want them to pity me and be awkward.  “It is what it is,” as Ryan is so fond of saying.  It’s true.  The BEST that I can make of the situation — AND I MEAN THE BEST — is to learn and to grow as a person.  There will be other details that I discover down the road, but at this point, that is what I have learned.  

I’m interested in seeing how I change because of all of this.  I know I changed after Sarah was born (and, honestly, that’s probably the only reason Matt liked me enough to move in and eventually marry me).  I will never be the person I was on February 20, 2013.  That person died with Matt, and this is almost comforting to put into words.  

I miss him so much.  I can’t put THAT into words.  I doubt that it would help if I could.  

Six weeks sounds a lot shorter to me than it feels. These have been the longest 42 days of my life. Does anyone else feel this way, or is it just me? I feel like it’s been months and months since I kissed Matt for the last time.

I still feel lost, but maybe not quite as lost – at least not all of the time. I hate hate HATE all of this but I’m still hanging on and not giving up. It’s a constant fight and I do feel bitter towards Matt sometimes for making me go through this. But I can’t stay mad at him for long. I never could.