Remember 3 months ago today? What a terrible, awful day it was – and I can’t even remember it that clearly. Funny, I remember the 21st much more clearly than any of the subsequent days. I even remember everything I was wearing except my shirt. Pink coat, grey pants, pink heels. Standing outside of the psych hospital, chatting with the Vandy cop while we waited for the Metro cop to arrive, knowing in the back of my mind that my husband was almost definitely dead by now. It was a chilly day. The Vandy cop was extremely nice. I think his name was Kody maybe?

My weeks are becoming more “normal.” This is not in comparison to my life before Matt died, but rather to my life since then. Of course, this doesn’t mean I like it or anything, but I’m thankful that I’m not as bad off as I was three months ago. Or two months ago, or even one month ago.

I have a counselling appointment this afternoon, and it might be my last one (it’s the last free one anyway). We’ll see how it goes.

I’ve given myself a D- in working out lately, and this afternoon after work I think I’m going to work on that some – even if it’s just doing some yoga. Showering after a workout is one of the most gratifying feelings, I will say. I need to get into better shape. It’s easy to want to exercise when I’m in a good mood and feeling happy, but it’s almost impossible for me to persuade myself to do it when I don’t feel good.

Anyway. I don’t have much more to say…I mostly wanted to state that I’m going to do some yoga when I get home from work today, because saying it “out loud” so to speak seems to help me actually do it.

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I'm a young, childless widow who is trying to figure out the best way to deal with the world in light of my late husband's suicide. It's harder than I ever imagined it would be, but somehow at the same time I am still alive and even happy sometimes.

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