Category: grief

2012

Anyone want to read a blog entry from this day last year? I won’t post these often, but this was a very poignant entry.

Day 6
I feel like I’m in the middle of a battle for …my life, basically. And I’m completely unable to do anything about the outcome.

CAN’T SOMEBODY HELP?!?!?! PLEASE!!!!!!!? WE NEED HELP.

I’m so discouraged.

He says that he’s tried so hard all his life to make things better. He’s tried everything they tell you to do – make friends, stay active, eat right, think positive – all that. But nothing helps, he said. Something in his brain is missing. He’s not capable of getting better, he said. He’s weak and stupid, he said.

Can’t somebody help? What am I supposed to do?? I try to tell him that I think he’s strong and smart and capable of getting better, but he throws it in my face.

Please. Somebody help.

fifteen

It’s interesting to read entries from three, two, and even one months ago. It’s interesting because I have changed a lot in that period of time – which has felt like a year and not a mere 15 weeks. On the other hand, I still have the same issues sometimes. I still feel desperate and broken – just not constantly. I don’t even know what else to say about it (I feel like I’ve been gushing a bit much with the last several entries, anyway).

I’m going to a United Way meeting after work today. It’s an organization that helps in the community a lot – they focus on education, health, financial security, and that kind of stuff. I found out that they sponsor the Survivors of Suicide group that I’m going to next week, too. Someone at work sent out an email to see if anyone would be interested in going to this informational meeting tonight, and another coworker kind of persuaded me to go with her. She has a baby so we won’t be able to stay for the whole meeting (OK with me), but I’m interested in seeing what it’s all about. I’ve been toying with the idea of volunteering and being more involved in the community. So, so many people are much worse off than I am, and I also have a lot of free time lately.

Anyway.

I wonder where I’ll end up going in life. I have not been single without some kind of goal before – whether it be finishing school, or finding a boyfriend, I’ve just always had something to go towards. Right now I’m just trying to head towards healing, but thinking about the future isn’t quite as depressing as it used to be so I just wonder. Matt dying pretty much tore all of my long-term plans into pieces; there’s no way that I can buy property, build a house, and farm on my own. I don’t know. I guess I’m glad that I’m not very old yet (though I’ll be 30 here in a few months…).

I’ve been reading a lot lately. I read those two self-help grief books right after Matt died, and read a couple books of poetry cover-to-cover. I finished Childhood’s End last week, and finished Truth and Beauty a couple of days ago. I’m making good progress re-reading the Heart is a Lonely Hunter too, and I think I’m going to try to pick up Bridget Jones’s Diary the next time I’m a McKays.

I did not cook dinner last night (ended up hanging out with Ryan at his parents’ house, and had a delicious sandwich there…) – there’s not much food at my house right now anyway unless you could frozen soup and frozen poultry (a whole turkey AND a whole chicken). Though I’ve been craving sushi lately. Maybe I’ll have that for dinner tonight since that meeting will last until 7 or so anyway.

Sorry…I know this entry is kind of rambly and probably not too interesting. But oh well.

I don’t know why, but writing makes me feel better – even if I have nothing in particular to write about.

I’m feeling better this morning so far. I forced myself to get off my ass last night and go hang out with Ryan, and that ended up being a good decision. I think I’ve been spending far too much time alone in this last week.

Of course, I was feeling better this morning and then made the dumb decision to look through pictures of Matt on my phone, which made me want to go stick my head in a toilet or oven or something along those lines. Matt starts to feel so distant…so long ago…and then I look at recent pictures and am overwhelmed once more by everything that I’ve lost. Matt was probably the most selfish person I’ve ever met, and sometimes I still get mad at him for not only leaving me – but leaving his family and his friends too. What an asshole…a loveable, gentle, kind asshole. Oh God, I loved him so much.

I get discouraged sometimes because I feel like I should be able to “fix” this faster than I am. I know that’s BS, but I’ve always been so good at resolving my problems in the past. This one is a challenge, to put it as lightly as possible. The ups and downs are frustrating, though I’m thankful for the ups. The MOST frustrating thing is the fact that the person who I was going to spend the rest of my life with does not physically exist anymore, and I will never see him or talk to him or touch his face again. The knowledge that THIS COULD HAPPEN TO ANYONE is really messing with my head and I’m trying not to let it get me down. It is what it is. This is life. Everyone you know someday will die. Life is more complicated and confusing than I thought, though I’m trying to read the Tao lately which teaches that life is only complicated if you let it be.

Anyway. As much as my mind keeps spinning sometimes – spinning around the fact that Matt is gone and that I miss him so fucking dreadfully all the time – I am trying to ground myself in accepting love from other people and in keeping myself fairly occupied. I don’t like it, but it seems like the least stressful route. I don’t like it because it doesn’t “fix” anything, but my life has changed and my mind is changing and I need to be OK with that.

OK, I’m done rambling for the time. I’m thinking about going shopping on my lunch break – maybe that will help me forget about all those pictures of Matt. In the meantime…..

matt 2

matt

Come to think of it, I used to journal all the time before meeting Matt. It was so amazing to meet someone who could (and was glad to) stand in place of a journal that my writing tapered way off. And now, here I am again, using my blog and my paper journal as sounding boards and confidants. It’s not as good, but it helps.

After work yesterday, I mowed the lawn which boosted my endorphins for a bit. I took a shower, and watched a little TV, then decided to get in bed and read. I wrote about the result of that last night, and when I woke up this morning my right eye was all swollen and funny-looking. I put on makeup and I don’t think anyone has noticed; if they did, I could play it off as allergies anyway.

So far I don’t feel better this morning, but I do feel different, and more courageous I guess. I have chosen to keep living my life to the best of my ability and that’s what I am going to continue to choose.

To that end, there are really some things that I should work on this week.

–> I need to clean out the garage (like, tonight)

–> I need to go through the house (garage, kitchen, bedroom, library, dining room) and find things to put in the yard sale this weekend

–> I need to start exercising on the regular. I could tell that mowing the lawn made me feel somewhat better yesterday, and that barely counts as exercise.

–> I should start cooking again. It’s depressing to cook for myself, but I can invite people over for dinner if I want to. I miss cooking (though not the cleanup, for sure). I made a strawberry cake last weekend, and cooked dinner with Cathy last week, and have been reminded that I really like working in the kitchen. It’s very gratifying. Also, I’ve been eating shit for the last several months and should stop it. I’m just afraid that if I go buy fresh vegetables, I won’t eat them and they’ll end up rotting in the refrigerator.

–> Along those same lines, I should figure out how I can bake without having to eat everything that I bake. I LOVE baking. But I also love eating baked goods, which is why I try to only bake for special occasions. I managed to only have one piece of that strawberry cake leftover, which was perfect. I have this vision of my kitchen as having cake stands full of muffins and cookies and cakes – arranged prettily and put under glass domes. But living by myself, I would be the only one to eat these baked goods. The problem with just giving them away is that I want to see them! Geez, so many problems…..

–> I really need to write thank you notes to everyone who gave me money after Matt died. I STILL have not done that. I think I read that it’s socially acceptable to wait several months before sending thank you notes for wedding gifts, so I can only imagine that the grace period after a funeral would be longer. But still…I should at least get started.

Anyway. Life is such an odd thing. Or, is my brain odd for finding life odd? I don’t know. I do want to find a new book to read though; does anyone have any suggestions? I’ve actually finished two books in the last week and want to start another one ASAP. Hm, Cathy suggested I re-read the Heart is a Lonely Hunter – I forgot about that. Maybe I’ll grab that when I’m home on my lunch break….

a jot —

just to say that I’m feeling really sad tonight, and I don’t have anyone to tell. it’s 11pm and there’s nothing to do but go to sleep.

not sure why it’s been a bad day, but I just finished a book by Ann Patchett about a beautiful friendship she had that lasted two decades before the friend OD’d and died. I read the last several chapters tonight and finished it maybe an hour ago. it was beautiful, and so sad. I’m sure it must have been excruciating to write at times, because 99% of the book focused on their friendship.

just makes me sad. my husband is gone…left me, essentially – though I know he didn’t see it that way. it’s hard to be understanding all the time…I’ve spent so much energy over the last year being understanding, and here I am now. forced to remember that Matt had an invisible disease that took his life.

I’m just so sad and lonely right now. I’m going to put on some dumb TV comedy to distract myself so that I can fall asleep.

I’ll feel better tomorrow. (but Matt’s never coming back.) here’s how people deal with this kind of grief — they just do. they don’t die.

Yes, another Monday.

This weekend has been so-so. I woke up this morning feeling sad and lonely, even though Ryan was sleeping in the other room – it’s nowhere near the same. Ever since Friday (the 31st) I’ve just been missing Matt a whole lot. It doesn’t feel the same as before – I guess I understand and accept everything better, 3 months out. But I still miss my husband so, so, so much. It still hurts so much. I still break down crying – sobbing. I don’t wrestle with accepting Matt’s death anymore; I wrestle with learning to be single and living without the love of my life.

I also feel like I’m in the middle of a mini existential crisis too; on top of learning how to live my new life, I’m also trying to understand and wrap my head around LIFE. Life is NOT what I thought it was. Life can be a cruel joke at times, or a heartless and mocking lover. Life can also be the most beautiful thing in the world.

I have been clinging to the relationships that I have left, these last couple of months. In the last week or so, I haven’t been seeing as many people though. Ryan wasn’t around much last week, and I hung out with Cathy one evening but basically spent the rest of the time by myself. I was doing a lot of work on my bedroom during that time, so I wasn’t bored — but I was lonely. Funny…I never was all that lonely before meeting Matt. Sure, I felt it on occasion, but for the most part I was very happy being alone. I remember being nervous right after Matt moved in, because I wasn’t sure if I was going to get enough alone time (ha!). Living with Matt was like being in a beautiful dream – he was everything I needed (minus the mental illness I guess) and I was what he needed. Oh, I miss it so fucking much.

I feel so needy this morning, but I have no one to fill this need. I want to be loved. I want to be loved the way that Matt loved me. I know this isn’t going to happen again – or at least not any time soon – so I should try to focus on something else. Reminds me of that line in “Love Will Come To You” by the Indigo Girls — “Learn to pretend there’s more than love that matters.” I feel like that’s what I have to do.

So many people are so much worse-off than I am. I try to remember this without letting it make me feel like scum for being sorry for myself. Sadly, I was in a very good position to be single again. I’ve always been in charge of the finances, and pretty much everything was already in my name. I’m independent and used to not relying on anyone else – except for emotional support (which I’m re-learning to live without). I do need to work on excercising and eating habits, but otherwise I feel perfectly capable of being a single 30-year-old. I hate it, but am perfectly capable.

I remember complaining SO many times about how horrible it is when the only thing that you want is the only thing you cannot ever have. I haven’t felt that sentiment as strongly lately, but it has re-surfaced this weekend. I want to share my life with someone who I love, and who loves me. I want to share my bed with someone. I don’t want to be alone. But I know that I should’t try to pursue any romantic relationships in the near future at all, and it’s hard to just be in the present sometimes. It has become easier than it was, but it’s still hard. I know that I’m still very much grieving, and that it’s extremely important for me to put the time and effort into dealing appropriately with my grief, but sometimes it just feels like I’m not going anywhere.

May 31

I’m not sure that I have much to say at the moment (just wrote a long journal entry), but today is one year since I had to take Matt to the ER for the first time. I caught myself trying to avoid thinking about it after work, so I made myself sit down with my journal and write about the day. I think I feel better now; at least I feel like I’m not suppressing anyway.

I read over a journal entry from a year ago too, after I was finished writing. The old journal entry is what really got me crying, because I was talking about how horrible I imagined losing a husband would be. I said that I don’t know how people deal with that kind of grief.

It’s been a fucked up year, people. I know, it could have been worse. There were some happy months in there – for me anyway. But overall, it was extremely stressful and expensive and scary and disheartening and painful. I had so much hope through all of it too – I wish I could have shared that with Matt somehow.

Anyway. I’m not looking forward to Matt’s birthday.

Thirteen weeks now

Yesterday was my last counselling appointment unless I decide to call to make another one sometime in the future. I have no more scheduled, though. She thinks I’m continuing to do “great,” and she didn’t seem to think that I needed any more sessions. I agree with her, but I’m glad she said it too.

So I did not do any yoga yesterday. I know, I know – whatever. I DID clear out some of Matt’s clothes. I packed the ones that I’m keeping into a laundry basket, put the rest into a box, and moved his shelf into the garage. It was not fun. Every single piece of clothing is full of memories. All his tee shirts…the bunny one, the Vonnegut one, the blue McCullough one, each plain white one, the brick-colored athletic fit shirt that made him self conscious but I thought looked great…each one, so many memories. I don’t know why I wasn’t expecting to cry that much. I’ve walked by that shelf every day, I’ve cried into the shirts before; I hadn’t taken each out out and looked at them though. It was such a flood of memories and emotions. Awful. Just awful. I want to ask Matt so many questions… but honestly, I think I have all the answers that he could give me anyway. He didn’t mean to hurt me this badly. He made it as clear as he could that this was not about me and that he loved me dearly — even though when I feel everything, it feels ALL about me. I know it wasn’t though. I try to be understanding and empathetic, though I still get mad at Matt on occasion.

Anyway. Whether I like it or not, I’m healing.

Funny thing though. After doing all that yesterday, plus some miscellaneous bedroom organization, I had a decent evening and feel pretty decent today too. I stayed in all evening alone, took a shower, watched some TV, read a little, used the computer, and drifted off easily. I woke up feeling pretty rested this morning and work has been fine so far. I’m looking forward to the weekend too; Arrested Development comes out Sunday and I’m going to have a few people over to watch that I think. I’m off on Memorial Day so I can re-watch the 4th season 🙂 and work on my bedroom – assuming everything has shipped by then. Not sure what I’ll be doing on Saturday, but if nothing gets planned then I might think about getting a pedicure and/or hair cut. My hair is getting pretty long, and I’ve wanted a pedi for about 3 months now….

So much of life is bittersweet. I had an idea of this before meeting Matt, then my life became predominately sweet for the next 5 years, and now it’s more bittersweet than ever. There are worse things, I know. At least it isn’t all bitter anymore. This is something that I’m going to have to get used to again though. I always felt like depth of any kind of emotion opens you up to being able to feel other emotions deeply too, so there are good things I suppose. It’s all the Tao anyway.

Remember 3 months ago today? What a terrible, awful day it was – and I can’t even remember it that clearly. Funny, I remember the 21st much more clearly than any of the subsequent days. I even remember everything I was wearing except my shirt. Pink coat, grey pants, pink heels. Standing outside of the psych hospital, chatting with the Vandy cop while we waited for the Metro cop to arrive, knowing in the back of my mind that my husband was almost definitely dead by now. It was a chilly day. The Vandy cop was extremely nice. I think his name was Kody maybe?

My weeks are becoming more “normal.” This is not in comparison to my life before Matt died, but rather to my life since then. Of course, this doesn’t mean I like it or anything, but I’m thankful that I’m not as bad off as I was three months ago. Or two months ago, or even one month ago.

I have a counselling appointment this afternoon, and it might be my last one (it’s the last free one anyway). We’ll see how it goes.

I’ve given myself a D- in working out lately, and this afternoon after work I think I’m going to work on that some – even if it’s just doing some yoga. Showering after a workout is one of the most gratifying feelings, I will say. I need to get into better shape. It’s easy to want to exercise when I’m in a good mood and feeling happy, but it’s almost impossible for me to persuade myself to do it when I don’t feel good.

Anyway. I don’t have much more to say…I mostly wanted to state that I’m going to do some yoga when I get home from work today, because saying it “out loud” so to speak seems to help me actually do it.

Saturday morning

I’m brainstorming bedroom makeover options. I’m kinda excited about re-doing the room, honestly. Not excited about sleeping in my bed alone, but at least it will be comfortable and pretty. 🙂 I’ll adjust, and still sleep on the couch some anyway.

So the headboard I bought is upholstered in dark grey linen and has brass accents. I also got a white linen duvet cover with pillowcases which is going to be gorgeous! I’m thinking that I’m going to hang curtain rods from the ceiling to make it a mock-canopy bed, using those sheer curtains from Ikea. With some brightly-colored sheets and maybe a pretty pillow or something, I bet it’ll look great. Unfortunately I’m not allowed to paint in there, but might look into getting a cool wall decal (like tree branches or something). Or just some new artwork.

I haven’t decided how to arrange the furniture yet. There are only a few places that the bed could easily, so I might just leave it where it is now, but move the dresser and put all three bookshelves along the far wall. We’ll see. I need help moving the dresser so I can’t do anything with it right now anyway.

I’ve been thinking about getting some new curtains for in there, too. Possibly a rug if I could find a nice cheap one.

I’m up early because I drove Ryan to Dickson this morning. The drive made me miss Matt, of course. I’m finding that overall, it’s becoming easier for me to feel decent…but that doesn’t mean that it’s hard to feel bad. Matt. Killed himself. It sinks in more every day.