May 31

I’m not sure that I have much to say at the moment (just wrote a long journal entry), but today is one year since I had to take Matt to the ER for the first time. I caught myself trying to avoid thinking about it after work, so I made myself sit down with my journal and write about the day. I think I feel better now; at least I feel like I’m not suppressing anyway.

I read over a journal entry from a year ago too, after I was finished writing. The old journal entry is what really got me crying, because I was talking about how horrible I imagined losing a husband would be. I said that I don’t know how people deal with that kind of grief.

It’s been a fucked up year, people. I know, it could have been worse. There were some happy months in there – for me anyway. But overall, it was extremely stressful and expensive and scary and disheartening and painful. I had so much hope through all of it too – I wish I could have shared that with Matt somehow.

Anyway. I’m not looking forward to Matt’s birthday.

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I'm a young, childless widow who is trying to figure out the best way to deal with the world in light of my late husband's suicide. It's harder than I ever imagined it would be, but somehow at the same time I am still alive and even happy sometimes.

5 thoughts on “May 31”

  1. I wish there was some way to take the feelings I have about you and your situation and put them into words, but it would be impossible. Even saying THIS falls so short. I love you. You’re important.


  2. I think it’s nice that you were able to write about it. You are so strong and wonderful. Let me know if you want to do something on his bday or get out of town for a road trip or anything.


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