Yesterday was my last counselling appointment unless I decide to call to make another one sometime in the future. I have no more scheduled, though. She thinks I’m continuing to do “great,” and she didn’t seem to think that I needed any more sessions. I agree with her, but I’m glad she said it too.
So I did not do any yoga yesterday. I know, I know – whatever. I DID clear out some of Matt’s clothes. I packed the ones that I’m keeping into a laundry basket, put the rest into a box, and moved his shelf into the garage. It was not fun. Every single piece of clothing is full of memories. All his tee shirts…the bunny one, the Vonnegut one, the blue McCullough one, each plain white one, the brick-colored athletic fit shirt that made him self conscious but I thought looked great…each one, so many memories. I don’t know why I wasn’t expecting to cry that much. I’ve walked by that shelf every day, I’ve cried into the shirts before; I hadn’t taken each out out and looked at them though. It was such a flood of memories and emotions. Awful. Just awful. I want to ask Matt so many questions… but honestly, I think I have all the answers that he could give me anyway. He didn’t mean to hurt me this badly. He made it as clear as he could that this was not about me and that he loved me dearly — even though when I feel everything, it feels ALL about me. I know it wasn’t though. I try to be understanding and empathetic, though I still get mad at Matt on occasion.
Anyway. Whether I like it or not, I’m healing.
Funny thing though. After doing all that yesterday, plus some miscellaneous bedroom organization, I had a decent evening and feel pretty decent today too. I stayed in all evening alone, took a shower, watched some TV, read a little, used the computer, and drifted off easily. I woke up feeling pretty rested this morning and work has been fine so far. I’m looking forward to the weekend too; Arrested Development comes out Sunday and I’m going to have a few people over to watch that I think. I’m off on Memorial Day so I can re-watch the 4th season 🙂 and work on my bedroom – assuming everything has shipped by then. Not sure what I’ll be doing on Saturday, but if nothing gets planned then I might think about getting a pedicure and/or hair cut. My hair is getting pretty long, and I’ve wanted a pedi for about 3 months now….
So much of life is bittersweet. I had an idea of this before meeting Matt, then my life became predominately sweet for the next 5 years, and now it’s more bittersweet than ever. There are worse things, I know. At least it isn’t all bitter anymore. This is something that I’m going to have to get used to again though. I always felt like depth of any kind of emotion opens you up to being able to feel other emotions deeply too, so there are good things I suppose. It’s all the Tao anyway.
3 thoughts on “Thirteen weeks now”
Your writing, this piece especially, is so rich. Your expression of all you’ve gone through is an incredible window into your heart. You express these painful things so eloquently and so openly. I’m always sort of arrested by the things you share and they way you share them. One day you will be a wonderful comforter to someone else who has to walk this painful road you’ve been put on.
This makes me smile 🙂
I like what Rena said on this one too. This one makes me cry… There’s a lot of truth. Oh, life.