Author: erinreeve

Thirteen days

This time two weeks ago, Matt had gotten home from going to lend his friend some DVDs and we were in bed watching Hamlet. Everything was so normal.

Most of today had been ok. By “ok,” I mean that I’ve felt slightly hopeful about my future but I’ve also been distracted by the beach and reading and crocheting and people.

Right now though, the hope has faded into faith that I’ll be ok. I miss Matt so much. I never wanted to be with anyone else – Matt was the only one. Still is for that matter, which is so much in conflict with my yearning for the love which so abruptly disappeared from my life and my knowledge that Matt’s ashes are sitting in my kitchen. Matt will never love me again. I will have to find someone else – which I can’t bear thinking about but is also constantly on my mind.

I keep telling myself that I have to learn to take care of myself and love myself more – which is definitely what matt wanted me to do. Still, that can’t make up for the emptiness I feel going to bed or getting up in the morning. Or any other time that my attention is not diverted. I have always enjoyed my own company and being alone, but I think a big part of that was simply that I didn’t realize how amazing it is to be in love. When that love is snatched out from under your feet, to say that it’s destabilizing is just trite. For that matter, most of the things you can say about it are trite. Sitting out here crying is not enough either. Nothing I know how to do is enough.

Second Monday.

Standing at the beach. Thinking that time heals all wounds, unless they’re too big and you die. I guess the latter happened to Matt. I don’t think I’m going to die though, which makes my chances of healing from all of this pretty good. I have to keep reminding myself of this.

I’m so scared that I’ll never find anyone who makes me as happy as Matt did.

Friday

Matt’s been dead over a week now. It seems like the time has been passing sooooo slowly, but on the other hand it feels like forever since things were normal. Over a week since our last dinner together, our last shower together, our last game of cribbage. I wish I had been able to do more for him. I know I did SO MUCH but I can’t keep at bay the voices telling me that I should have done more.

It’s so hard when the ONLY thing you want is the only thing you can never have. I am just finding it almost impossible to care about anything else – how I look, eating, cleaning, doing anything at all. I know other people have other stuff going on in their lives now and I think maybe I should ask them about things, but I just can’t summon the strength and will to care. I’m sure this won’t last forever. Just like I knew my life with Matt wouldn’t last forever. I always wanted to be the first one to die, but I honestly don’t know that Matt would have made it without me. We had so much love. I still do.

I hate not being able to do anything to fix this or make it better. It’s like all I can do is sit here and soak it all in, and it’s not fun.

I’ve been drawing pictures of Matt. I don’t know if it’s beneficial or just making me more inclined to start crying, but I guess I’m “enjoying” it because I keep doing it. I miss his face so much. Oh my god.

I just want the days to pass quickly so that maybe a better time will come, but the time is going so slowly. I always wanted time to slow down when Matt and I were together because I never got tired of being around him, but it flew by then. I guess I’ll look back on the happy memories fondly at some point, but now they just make my whole body ache. I’m trying not to feel hopeless but some hours are harder than others.

I miss my other half like I had some limbs amputated. It’s so, so wrong and it hurts.

Tuesday.

Over at Matt’s aunt’s house with family. It’s nice to have all of these people around and I’m trying to let myself soak in the love from everyone. It’s…good, but hard because everything is hard. Today has actually been slightly better than yesterday but I’m still very much an emotional roller coaster. I miss my husband so so badly.

I am continuing to fight guilt. I KNOW that I did all I could. I know that Matt knew that I love him, whether he was mentally able to accept that or not. One of our most recent conversations about his depression was a few weeks ago and I told him that it was okay for him to let himself be loved by me – because he knew that I love him. He started crying. I am so sorry that I couldn’t do anything else. Even though it was the disease and nothing that I could control anyway.

I can’t help but think that if I hadn’t dragged my feet so much when he wanted to focus on exercise. I had no idea how important it was to him then. I wish I had made him exercise once I realized what it meant. There are so many things that I think I should have done differently now. I wish I had woken up earlier on Thursday and made him lunch – maybe I would have seen the gun. Or if I had remembered to stick in that love note I had written for valentines day but left at work. Or if I had gone with him to meet his friend on Wednesday night – the night he “borrowed” the gun – then wouldn’t he still be alive now?

I feel like I could have done more to help prevent this. But the truth is, even if I had been able to help him manage his symptoms (and I know that I did help), I couldn’t cure his disease. Oh how I wish he had been able to keep hanging on, but I am also so glad that he isn’t suffering and in pain anymore. I can’t fathom the pain that he was living with every day. Some days were better I know, but………

Regardless of all of this, my beloved Matt is dead now and will never be coming back to me. And I am trying to accept that fact. I want to DO something to fix all of this. I would do ANYTHING to have Matt back …but that is just not an option. I go from feeling grateful for having family around to just feeling so completely alone and destitute and broken. So completely alone, and destitute, and broken.

But I can’t deny reality.

Monday.

This blog has certainly taken a depressing turn. I can’t even bring myself to read any past entries.

The mornings are so hard. At night, I’m relieved to go to sleep; now I know why Matt liked to sleep so much – because it erases everything from your mind. But waking up is almost worse because now I have a brand new day with no Matt. No Matt. Just memories and smells absolutely everywhere I look. I just don’t want to keep going. I know that Matt wanted me to be happy though and maybe it would honor him somehow for me to pursue that. I just don’t care about anything except Matt right now. Such an enormous, gaping hole. My world is completely in pieces – am I am too.

Oh Matt. How do I keep going without you? My goals in life were to spend more time with you because I loved being around you so much. We were going to start exercising again and stop eating out and get healthier together. Now…I guess I have to do it alone. I just don’t care. I can’t believe you’re gone. We were going to buy some property and build a house together. We had just talked about adopting kids. We had SO much in front of us and I was so happy to be yours – and so happy that you were mine. These last 5 years have been the happiest of my life – I’ve never felt as loved and valued as Matt made me feel. Oh fuck. Thinking about the future without Matt just makes me want to die.

Oh Matt. I miss you more than I even thought was possible. You are my other half, and you’re not ever coming back to me.

Sunday.

Went to church with Matt’s dad this morning. All I could think about on the ride home is how much I wanted Matt to be waiting at home for me. I’m so thankful to have people around right now but there is still a huge void in my heart and I feel like NOTHING is going to fill it ever.

Oh Matt. Oh Matt. All I want is to be snuggled up with you right now, kissing you and telling you that I love you. I threw away your toothbrush this morning, sobbing. I can’t believe I’ll never wake up with you again, never take a shower with you again, never be able to kiss you again, never be tickled again. I feel so alone – even though my parents are here and I’ve been spending time with Matt’s family. So, so, so alone.

I just don’t know what to do. I don’t want to keep doing this. I feel so desperate and hopeless waking up each morning – to begin another empty, heart breaking day. I’m getting tired of crying all the time but there’s nothing else to do.

Oh, Matt. More than anything I want you to be at peace now. It’s what you wanted your whole life and fought so hard for, but in the end found unattainable. I’m so sorry. I wish I could have done more. I hope you know that I tried my HARDEST for you and that you meant EVERYTHING to me.

RIP, my Love

Matt’s dead.

My beautiful, smart, kind, sweet, wonderful husband shot himself on Thursday.

I…….I don’t know what to do or say. I feel empty and completely broken. I don’t want to feel anymore – this hurts so horrifically much. He’s never, ever coming back. I have to learn how to live without him. There is no “going back to normal” now because my beloved husband is gone. Dead.

EVERYthing makes me think of him. Driving down the road, going to the grocery store, being at home, being online, everything. He meant everything to me. How am I going to keep going?? I don’t want ANYTHING BUT HIM. How am I supposed to do this??! Fuck. FUCK.

I’m sorry…I know this post isn’t informative or good to read or anything. But whatever.

We were supposed to be taking a hike today and going to the bar for beers. We were doing better – I thought. I was so hopeful about the progress that we could make this year, and so hopeful that this year would be better than the last.

Now there are so many things we’ll never be able to do. I can’t believe it. But I can’t deny it either. He’s dead, and I am completely broken. I don’t want anything but my Matt back. Oh my God.

Thanksgiving

It’s so-called “Black Friday,” which I have never liked and only participated in once (and that was to get a $20 season of the Simpsons at Best Buy).  I’m at work though, and might do some online browsing to see if I can find a good price on a Blu-Ray player.  Or I might wait until Monday.  We’ll see.

Yesterday ended up being a nice day.  We successfully cleaned the house and went grocery shopping on Wednesday evening, and I made the pie as well.  Then Thursday morning we lounged around in bed for a while, then went to Waffle House for breakfast, then came back home and started peeling potatoes.  Prepped the mashed potatoes and the sweet potato casserole and stuck them in the fridge for later.  Started dressing the turkey around 12:30 or so, and had that in the oven by 1:00-ish.  This year I followed the roasting and gravy instructions much more closely than I did this summer and things turned out for the better because of that (imagine!).  I took the neck and giblets and made a stock with them while the turkey was roasting. 

While I was doing all this cooking, Matt and Bitey spent a good portion of the afternoon asleep.  I took several pictures, but am refraining from posting more than one….

(Aren’t they cute?!  🙂 )  While I was sitting around trying not to make too much noise, and waiting for the turkey to cook, here’s one of the living room….

Anyway.  So it was a pleasant afternoon, full of good smells and naps and football once Matt woke up.

The food all turned out well – I was (and am) so pleased!  The turkey ended up being so juicy; when I was carving up the rest after dinner to put it away, there was still juice coming out.  The gravy turned out perfectly, and the stuffing – which was from a box – wasn’t bad at all.  The sweet potato casserole was delicious as always, and the mashed potatoes and green beans and rolls were as well.  The rolls were from Aldi too, but they were still good.  Bought cranberry relish in a can too – mmmmmm.  Obviously I took some pictures of the tablescape….

So pretty!!!  I feel accomplished.  🙂 

And the pie turned out perfectly as well.

 

So all-in-all, it was a pleasant and successful Thanksgiving.  I did miss my family a few times throughout the day, and I wish we could have been in Oak Ridge, but oh well – next year I’m hopeful that we’ll be more financially (and otherwise) stable.  I did have several things that made me feel closer to the family though, besides all the traditional foods.  I used Grandma’s plates for dinner (and her dining room table which has known many Reeve Thanksgivings at East Drive), plus the carving set and the blue sugar and cream dishes also came from East Drive.  I made Aunt Carol’s sweet potato casserole and Grandma’s Magic Chocolate pie, and wish I’d had time/energy to make one of Mom’s bread recipes. 

Now I suppose I can start thinking about Christmas…………….

Bored!

It’s the day before Thanksgiving, and I’m stuck at work being SUPER bored.  AP&T has normal hours today and Friday (though I hear rumors that the owner lets everyone leave early on Friday…) but is closed tomorrow, of course.  I know lots of people have today off, so I expect it’ll be pretty slow all day.  I’m working on a map quilt currently, and have been embroidering pretty much every day at work for about a week.  I started unpacking everything this morning and realized that I left my damned NEEDLE at home!!  Kinda hard to embroider without a needle.  So I can’t do that until after lunch, provided I remember to get my needle when I’m home.

I do have some books here which I could be reading, but I’d so much rather be crafting.

This year has been trying, and we’ve been living on only my paycheck for about a month now.  Matt did get paid today which is awesome (AWESOME), but we don’t feel like we have enough extra cash to travel to Knoxville for Thanksgiving this year.  Our plan B was to spend the holiday with Matt’s family here, but turns out they’re getting together an hour outside of town and Matt has to work early on Friday, so that’s not going to work either.  (His family is so disorganized…it makes me want to pull out my hair somtimes.) 

SO, we decided to do Thanksgiving at home for ourselves.  And I’m actually not disappointed.  I expect it will be a relaxing day – I want to go to Waffle House for breakfast (semi-traditional) and then stay home cooking and being with my husband the rest of the day.  I think it will be nice.  It will also mark 5 years that we’ve been a couple, which is kinda special too.  🙂

I bought a small turkey the other day which is thawing in the fridge, and I’m making gravy, stuffing, sweet potato casserole, mashed potatoes, green beans, rolls, and Grandma’s Magic Chocolate pie for dessert.  Since I’m the only one doing the cooking, I’m taking some shortcuts — I’m going to buy the stuffing mix, premade pie crust dough, and probably rolls.  The rest of everything is getting made from scratch, though.  😀  I love Thanksgiving food!!  And this year we’ll have leftovers!! 

Matt’s doing better, guys.  I’m not supposed to blog about him, per Matt, so this is all I’ll say.  But I’m feeling like things are MUCH MORE STABLE right now.  And I’m hopeful that they’ll stay that way – at least for a while.  But no details.  🙂

(Doesn’t he look happy?  That’s Bitey on his shoulder, of course.)

While I’m at it and being bored, here are some other pretty fall pictures from a day hike to Hidden Lakes.

And here’s one of Bitey, because I like taking pictures of him.  I was re-covering this lamp shade and he decided to jump in, which was super funny because he could barely fit himself between the spokes on the top.