Category: this is my life

Should I be blogging right now?

I’m having a weepy morning at work. I don’t feel like I’m good at this job yet — and I’m definitely not enjoying it. I should not be blogging right now; I should be calling people to try to get them to buy more stuff from me. I just don’t care about making money – I mean, as long as I have enough. I don’t care about making extra money. I would like it so much if I didn’t feel like my soul was being anesthetized every day at work by the muted colors and the fluorescent lights.

I have felt lacking in the friends department lately. I know that it’s my responsibility to make sure that I’m socially fulfilled, but it’s hard sometimes. Missing Matt is hard, too. Every time something isn’t ideal, I miss him. Every time I feel needy but don’t want to take that out on my friends, I miss him. Every time I don’t have something planned for after work on a weekday, I miss him.

Dawn posted a song on my FB wall a week ago or so, and the chorus says “It’s gonna be alright.” I was thinking about this yesterday… and you know, seems like serenity might come from being able to redefine “alright.” (Yeah yeah, I’m spelling it the way I want to spell it today.) When it comes down to it, we all die. Life on earth does not last forever. I can accept and be at peace with the knowledge that “alright” means that I’m going to die but my life can still be good. I just need to re-adjust my attitude about what “alright” entails.

Easier said that done.

Another list (I’m good at these)

So I’ve been in a rut for the last few weeks. I’ll come out for a day, then forget to do anything to make myself feel better the next day and get stuck again. Will my happiness/contentment/enjoyment stop being a conscious effort again at some point? That’d be nice.

– I need more friends. I was just thinking about how I used to be able to make a couple of calls and have a group of people meet me at the coffee house an hour later. That is definitely not how it is anymore.

– I need to work on financial responsibility (again, still). Money can buy temporary happiness (never the best quality happiness); however, lack of money will certainly bring you (ok, me) the opposite of happiness. I need to stick to a budget and ideally find some extra income somewhere. I can do things. I should try to market some of these things.

– I’ve been craving physical activity lately, which obviously is a good thing. I even wanted to work out on Sunday (so I did). Other than that, it’s pretty much been hiking. I’ve been going to Beaman Park and also doing Hidden Lakes (a good trail to do after work since it’s so short). Losing weight would definitely help me to feel better about myself (aside from the endorphin rushes from exercise).

– I really really really need to get off my ass about cleaning up the garage. I’m going to tackle that room this weekend. It’s hard to get around in there now – there’s so much stuff! Maybe I’ll do this on Friday. Same goes for cleaning my bedroom and doing my laundry (though it’d be nice to take care of those projects before Friday)….

– Speaking of Friday! I’m going to see the Indigo Girls play with the Nashville Symphony on that day! With Katie! And we’re both off all day! I’m excited.

– I’d almost like to go on a road trip this weekend, but I can’t think of anyone who’d want to go with me. If you want to, let me know. If I can’t do that, maybe I’ll see if anyone wants to do a day hike with me. Like, a longer-than-four-miles day hike. If that doesn’t work out, maybe I’ll just do the 4 miles one. Heh.

Update.

It’s been a bit since I blogged, I know. Sorry. Has a lot to do with the fact that I don’t have the free time at work that I used to, since I am now self-motivated and always have plenty of people who I could be calling at any given moment. But, writing is good for me, so. This will probably be brief, though.

I haven’t been the greatest lately. I think there are a few factors contributing to my mood of late; one would be the new job. I’ve been doing this for maybe a month now and I’m feeling much more comfortable making these phone calls (at least compared with several weeks ago). I don’t really like it much yet, though. And I can’t tell if I’m any good at it, either. I’m going to give it a few months just to see – but if I’m feeling like this by August or September I might see if I can move back. Selling can be gratifying, but it can also be stressful.

Anyway. Also, Joel has been staying with me the last week or two, and that’s been an adjustment. It’s so easy for me to get used to living alone, and it’s always a little strange when I have to re-adjust to having a roommate. Especially when he’s your brother. (Joel being around also serves as another reminder that Matt isn’t, which I feel should not affect me as strongly as it still sometimes does.)

I’ve also been pretty antisocial lately, which I need to start moderating better. Being antisocial is all well and good as long as I don’t neglect my social needs. Which I do sometimes.

This weekend was interesting. Liesl graduated on Saturday and I drove down to Cleveland TN for that, then to Knoxville for lunch with everyone. I decided to come back home after that because I was just not feeling up to staying another day; yesterday I got up at 9am and hiked the Ridgetop Trail at Beaman Park (4 miles), then came home and straightened the living room/kitchen a bit and ended up spending the afternoon playing Skyrim and baking bread. As far as Sundays go, it wasn’t bad.

I am really needing more fulfillment outside of work right now. And I’m just not quite sure where to look for that. Other people? New hobbies? Reading more?

questions, I guess

How is it that I can get off the phone after speaking with a promising account, and just want to crawl under my desk and cry after hanging up? I’m so cheerful and friendly on the phone, and the whole facade felt like it just crashed down after that last call.

Why is it so hard for me to feel stable all the time? Is it because I’m used to feeling stable, and I’m caught off-guard when my emotions don’t seem to want me to control them?

I want to be excited about something. Is it hard for me to get excited about things because I don’t like doing things? Or because I put too strict of a definition on things that “should” excite me? Or because I don’t go looking for excitement?

I want to spend more time in the woods. Wouldn’t it be awesome to spend as much time in the woods as I do in an office? Yep.

Easter Monday

I miss Matt so much today.

It’s a gorgeous spring morning, and god damn I just wish Matt was here. For as much as I can and do enjoy the life I now I have, man sometimes it still just doesn’t seem to compare to life before.

Right after he died, I remember thinking that I need to create new memories with places/things I only associated with Matt, and I’m still doing that. Cooked a bunch yesterday and had a couple of people over…and it was just full of reminders that Matt wasn’t there. I wish it made sense for me to get mad at him and to cry about him. Both of those things are just so pointless because in the back of my mind, the outcome I’m wanting is just for Matt to be back and to apologize. Which, obviously, will never ever happen.

But……I have to be productive and get to work. I wish Matt was still alive. I wish I could text him about my day and look forward to being with him at night. Will this ever go away?

If I pretend today is Monday, tomorrow will be a pleasant surprise!

Man I’m horrible at titles.

I’m at work and am bored, so this. Though I don’t have anything hugely important to say.

The guy in the cubicle next to me makes me wonder sometimes. He’s an older guy (think aging hippie type) and he basically sits at his desk and mutters under his breath most of the day. Sometimes he just laughs. Sometimes he complains to no one. Sometimes he hums. Sometimes I swear that he mocks other coworkers when they cough or laugh or just make too much noise. At outward appearances, he seems like a very sweet guy. But man, sitting next to him makes me think that it’s all a show and that he’s really a very bitter person.

Anyway, that rant because he was just mocking someone a few cubicles over because she was laughing too loudly. WTF.

Oh well! I don’t let it get to me. I’m not bitter.

It’s been an interesting few days. Chris’s funeral was on Sunday, and to be honest, I cried more than I did at Matt’s funeral (which isn’t saying much since I barely cried at Matt’s, but still). I felt a little guilty because I didn’t know Chris all that well, so the emotions that it brought up were related to missing Matt, to feeling sorry for myself, feeling sorry for Emily, feeling sorry for Chris’s parents. I guess that’s OK though. Emily was in town yesterday too, so we went out for dinner and drinks (along with her brother and Amanda’s fiance). Talking to Emily brought up some emotions that I haven’t felt in quite a while (I guess this is what you call a “trigger”…), but it was good. Not fun, but good. There’s comfort in knowing that as shitty as it gets, you aren’t alone. It’s not the comfort we’re looking for, but it’ll do.

Sometimes I still get mad because I can’t trade these life lessons and maturity back for Matt.

In other, less depressing news, Joel’s actually coming to Nashville tonight. Like, who thought it would ever actually happen?!?! The plan thus far is to do a month as a trial period, to make sure he can get a job and that we don’t want to kill each other and all that. I told him he could have the library but that I wasn’t going to be moving any of the furniture, heh. Except the chair — but I keep forgetting about that. Maybe I’ll do that tonight. Uncle Ross is driving Joel up and apparently they’re stopping for groceries and making dinner! Which just sounds awesome!

Last piece of news. There are still people who I see every day at work whose names I still don’t know. What’s worse is that they all seem to know my name. Don’t tell anyone, please. It’s kind of embarrassing.

Edinburgh Day Two (or, Last Day in the UK)

I’m about vacationed out, guys. Having a great time still, of course, but we are both looking forward to being home again. Plane leaves tomorrow!!

I have to say – I would be so much more inclined to move to Edinburgh than to London. London was nice and all, but I feel like Edinburgh has more personality. London was full of busy people all dressed in black pretty much. Edinburgh seems to have a wider variety of people.

Of course, I say this having been in both cities like two days. But at any rate, this has been my impression. Plus Scottish accents are to die for.

This morning, we walked to a little cafe for pastries and coffee. We then made our way to Edinburgh Castle which comprised most of the rest of the day’s activities. It was….grand. And beautiful. And humbling. And all that stuff. If my brain wasn’t frazzled from, uh, whatever is frazzling it, I’d offer more reflections. Unfortunately for those of you who enjoy my ramblings (there are a few of you, right?), all you’re getting past this is pictures.

Oh btw. The picture of the chair is where Mary Queen of Scots birthed her only son. James somethingorother.

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Edinburgh Day 1

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Just architecture so far. Tomorrow we’ll be doing more touristy things. Just got back from a pub though, and are about to veg out. Gonna crochet a hat for Katie then probably go to bed. Fun stuff!!

More pictures

Was without wifi for about 24 hours, and I feel like I’ve re-joined the rest of the world now.

So yesterday was spent traveling. We had breakfast in Cambridge, then got a train to Windermere, er, I mean, we got a ticket to Windermere. There were 4 different trains. Took about 6 hours total. Once we got into town, we checked into our b&b and found somewhere for dinner. Then we came back and went to bed. We both got about 12 hours of sleep – it was great.

Today, we walked down to the lake and then up Orrest Head, which gives you a 360 degree view of the area. It was just gorgeous, albeit windy and a bit chilly. That kind of weather just energizes me, anyway.

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Did anyone know I had this many freckles btw?

Windermere! Lake Windermere!

If you know the tone of voice in which to read that title, kudos. Also it probably means we’re in the same family. So far no signs if dead bodies or the Shakespeare Arms, though. Unfortunately.

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