If I pretend today is Monday, tomorrow will be a pleasant surprise!

Man I’m horrible at titles.

I’m at work and am bored, so this. Though I don’t have anything hugely important to say.

The guy in the cubicle next to me makes me wonder sometimes. He’s an older guy (think aging hippie type) and he basically sits at his desk and mutters under his breath most of the day. Sometimes he just laughs. Sometimes he complains to no one. Sometimes he hums. Sometimes I swear that he mocks other coworkers when they cough or laugh or just make too much noise. At outward appearances, he seems like a very sweet guy. But man, sitting next to him makes me think that it’s all a show and that he’s really a very bitter person.

Anyway, that rant because he was just mocking someone a few cubicles over because she was laughing too loudly. WTF.

Oh well! I don’t let it get to me. I’m not bitter.

It’s been an interesting few days. Chris’s funeral was on Sunday, and to be honest, I cried more than I did at Matt’s funeral (which isn’t saying much since I barely cried at Matt’s, but still). I felt a little guilty because I didn’t know Chris all that well, so the emotions that it brought up were related to missing Matt, to feeling sorry for myself, feeling sorry for Emily, feeling sorry for Chris’s parents. I guess that’s OK though. Emily was in town yesterday too, so we went out for dinner and drinks (along with her brother and Amanda’s fiance). Talking to Emily brought up some emotions that I haven’t felt in quite a while (I guess this is what you call a “trigger”…), but it was good. Not fun, but good. There’s comfort in knowing that as shitty as it gets, you aren’t alone. It’s not the comfort we’re looking for, but it’ll do.

Sometimes I still get mad because I can’t trade these life lessons and maturity back for Matt.

In other, less depressing news, Joel’s actually coming to Nashville tonight. Like, who thought it would ever actually happen?!?! The plan thus far is to do a month as a trial period, to make sure he can get a job and that we don’t want to kill each other and all that. I told him he could have the library but that I wasn’t going to be moving any of the furniture, heh. Except the chair — but I keep forgetting about that. Maybe I’ll do that tonight. Uncle Ross is driving Joel up and apparently they’re stopping for groceries and making dinner! Which just sounds awesome!

Last piece of news. There are still people who I see every day at work whose names I still don’t know. What’s worse is that they all seem to know my name. Don’t tell anyone, please. It’s kind of embarrassing.

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I'm a young, childless widow who is trying to figure out the best way to deal with the world in light of my late husband's suicide. It's harder than I ever imagined it would be, but somehow at the same time I am still alive and even happy sometimes.

One thought on “If I pretend today is Monday, tomorrow will be a pleasant surprise!”

  1. Bless you for being with Emily. It’s very natural, and what I would expect, that you would feel sad for exactly the reasons and the people you said you did. I hope you don’t feel guilty for it.


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