Easter Monday

I miss Matt so much today.

It’s a gorgeous spring morning, and god damn I just wish Matt was here. For as much as I can and do enjoy the life I now I have, man sometimes it still just doesn’t seem to compare to life before.

Right after he died, I remember thinking that I need to create new memories with places/things I only associated with Matt, and I’m still doing that. Cooked a bunch yesterday and had a couple of people over…and it was just full of reminders that Matt wasn’t there. I wish it made sense for me to get mad at him and to cry about him. Both of those things are just so pointless because in the back of my mind, the outcome I’m wanting is just for Matt to be back and to apologize. Which, obviously, will never ever happen.

But……I have to be productive and get to work. I wish Matt was still alive. I wish I could text him about my day and look forward to being with him at night. Will this ever go away?

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I'm a young, childless widow who is trying to figure out the best way to deal with the world in light of my late husband's suicide. It's harder than I ever imagined it would be, but somehow at the same time I am still alive and even happy sometimes.

2 thoughts on “Easter Monday”

  1. “Will this ever go away?” No; even if you find another guy, you’ll still occasionally think “Even though he has qualities A, B, and C that Matt didn’t have, that I like, he’s also missing qualities D, E, and F that Matt had, that I also like.” On the other hand, with the right search algorithm, you might be able to find someone, out of the 7 billion humans on this planet, who’s almost a clone of Matt. Maybe that should be the cause to which some programmer-entrepreneur devotes herself — helping widows and widowers find someone just like their lost love.

    This could also be beneficial for those who regret not stepping up to the plate to ask that special someone out before they monogamously got with someone else, or who foolishly dumped that person or got caught cheating, due to thinking the grass was greener on the other side; they could put all the parameters concerning that person’s attributes into the system and find someone very similar who is still single. Then they could have a second try, and hopefully not mess it up again.


  2. Continuing on the topic of “Will this ever go away?” Your selfish genes (in the Richard Dawkins sense) have probably molded your psychology in such a way as to make you seek happiness by finding a mate, and to not be as happy without him. Those genes are willing to sacrifice your happiness temporarily, by creating feelings of loneliness, if that’s what it takes to drive you to find the next person, which could theoretically lead to your reproducing; although you don’t plan on reproducing, your genes don’t know that.

    Most people would say “It’s too early to be thinking about the next person” but again, your genes probably don’t care about such social norms. They just want to replicate themselves. How narcissistic of them. Also, the pain of mourning is designed to make you strive that much harder to prevent loss in the future, by making you fear a recurrence of that pain; again, that’s just your selfish genes being dickheads and putting themselves first, without regard to what you have to go through in order that their agenda may be fulfilled.


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