Category: this is my life

wandering mind….

I can’t keep my mind from wandering to Matt today – even while I’m at work. Today’s Ryan’s birthday, and I keep remembering how we drove to White Bluff last year with some beer and a lemon cake that I had made him, and maybe Nate Hunter (or maybe that was a different time?). Come to think of it, Matt had an ECT treatment that day and ended up feeling horrible by the end of the day.

I don’t want to be thinking about all of this. I’d rather be able to focus on this National Geographic article that I’m trying to read.

Had a pretty good weekend, though I don’t feel up for going into all the details. Friday evening, I drove to Spring Hill to hang out with Katie (probably the best decision I made all weekend 🙂 ). I spent the night and drove back Saturday morning, got breakfast at Wendell Smith’s, and spent pretty much the rest of the day at home relaxing. I did the same thing on Sunday except that I met my cousin Laura and her girlfriend for dinner – which was also nice. Overall, relaxing, low-stress weekend. I could have exerted myself socially more than I did, but it felt nice to just relax at home (in a clean house).

I took Lucille 2 to the vet this morning to get her spayed; also though, she had developed some kind of ear problem – not sure if it’s mites or an infection or what. I hope she does OK. She was so pitiful all weekend – I could tell she just felt awful because her ears were bothering her a lot. Poor little sweet kitty. Why couldn’t Lucille 1 be the sick cat? I’m taking her to be spayed next week.

Oh by the way. I’m 99% sure that I’m going to take a good chunk of Matt’s life insurance money and pay off my student loans and my car loan. This will free up over $500/month for me, which will be a BIG CHANGE in regards to my spending cash. I actually might be able to start saving again if I pay off those loans – though I haven’t worked out my budget yet. I’m getting up the nerve to write myself an $11,000 check (surprisingly, I only owe about $6,000 for my student loans and $4,000 for my car – because obviously everyone wants to know how much I’m in debt. Next post I’ll drop my SSN and license plate numbers.)

But that seems like a smart idea. I’ll still have some savings, but I won’t have to use it anymore. And I might be able to renew my lease another year – I really like my house and I really don’t want to move. If anyone has any thoughts they should weigh in.

As long as I’m being scattered (as usual), here’s something that happened the other day. I walked into Costco for whatever reason (probably flowers…), and there was a 20-something guy in the front trying to sell DirecTV. I was in a talkative mood (for me) and we started chatting about internet and cable and the like. The guy kept asking questions like, “Who do you guys have for cable?” and “What kind of TV do you guys have?” I’m not wearing a wedding ring. I was by myself. I have no idea why he assumed that I was a “we” except maybe because of my age. It was really odd.

Anyway. I think that’s it for now.

twenty three

at the moment, I’m despairing of ever having happier years than I have already had. and of ever being as loved as I was.

sorry … not to be super melodramatic or anything. I ought to go to sleep and stop thinking.

the one where I show off my purse

I swear I’ll stop talking about this eventually. This is the most girly purse I have ever owned as far as shape goes – until now I’ve always carried a bag that can hold at least 4 books and ideally a laptop too. I feel a little odd carrying this one around because it doesn’t even have a shoulder strap (which I might see if I can fix at some point…). But it’s so pretty, and here are a couple of pictures. 😀

blog - purse inside

blog - purse front

Just want to say that I had a productive lunch break today. I went to Wal-Greens to pick up some medicine, then ran to the Brewhouse where I had left my raincoat last night (God forbit I lose it!!). After that, ran home and took the covers off of the cushions on both the couch and the loveseat and stuck them in the washing machine because they desperately needed to be washed. That was about all that I had time to do, but it’s a lot more than I would have accomplished had I just gone home to take a nap! I’m looking forward to finishing cleaning up the living room once I get home. I kind of want to re-organize all my table tops and stuff too. We’ll see.

Ah, blog. Helping me stay organized.

I’m feeling pretty decent this morning, so far. Yesterday was a decent day as well; after work I went grocery shopping – which I hadn’t done in a long time (I was down to pretty much nothing in the fridge except some mushy tomatoes and cheese and a bunch of condiments). I felt oddly productive post-grocery store. After that I hung out with Ryan some because he needed a ride and I was bored. I stayed up too late watching a movie that I had watched two nights before, but oh well.

This morning, driving with the windows down, the humid air almost felt like an embrace, like a gentle caress. It was pleasant, and I would love to spend today with the clouds and the rain instead of with my computer and phone. Oh well – I also like being able to pay my bills.

Speaking of, I finally mailed the last Vanderbilt payment yesterday. I know I said I was already done with that, but somehow instead of paying the last two bills, I paid one bill twice (my brain doesn’t always work). I had to call to get them to transfer the last payment to my remaining open account, and then it took them a while to mail me a new bill. Anyway. It’s paid now. I hope I stop getting bills addressed to Matthew Ralston.

I’m having an urge to re-do my living room. Correction – I’m having an urge to get rid of my kittens so that I’m not constantly having to clean up and straighten everything. Things would stay a LOT cleaner if they weren’t around. I think I’m going to start keeping them in the garage when I can’t supervise them, though.

I know it’s foolish to let your possessions bolster your sense of personal worth, but I have to admit that this purse makes me feel better about myself. It’s so pretty, and smells so strongly of leather that I get whiffs every now and then. It makes me want to buy everything in leather from now on – and especially it makes me want to buy myself a leather sofa.

You know, this has all been a kick to my self esteem. I’m working on building it back up. I don’t think it’s ever been this big of a problem before…and it’s not like it’s a HUGE problem or anything, but I miss it nevertheless. I miss the stability of knowing that even if I look like shit or say something uncaring, I’d still have Matt in my court, on my side. I know that I have lots of people on my side still, but they don’t live with me and tell me that they love me every day. They don’t pick up dinner for me, or give me back rubs, or need me at all. Ugh. It makes perfect sense that a spouse’s suicide would be hard to heal from, but GEEZ. It just really, really sucks. And here I am, buying leather purses to make myself feel better.

Plenty more for me to complain about. But instead, I’m going to try to focus on more pleasant thoughts. I guess that’s a good idea, right?

I feel like I go through phases where all I do is complain – whether I’m writing it here, or talking to someone in person. (Exception being that I don’t complain to anyone at work…because it’s work.) But I feel like I have a lot to complain about and it’s good to get it off my chest. Ryan thinks that complaining makes you weaker, and I can see his point, but whatever.

After I got off work yesterday, I went home and mowed the front lawn. Didn’t mow the back, and definitely didn’t want to mow either but I forced myself to do the front. As always, I was glad that I did it as soon as it was done. I showered after that, and got Fat Mo’s for dinner. I ended up feeling much better, and even if that was because I exercised a little and then ate a greasy burger, I’ll take it. I hadn’t felt as depressed as I did yesterday in a while.

And it’s not all gone this morning, but I’m not letting myself think about too much so far, which helps of course. Even though life feels perfectly meaningless without Matt – most of the time – I know that in truth, it can still have as much meaning as it did before. It just doesn’t FEEL like it’s worth anything sometimes. I hate that I’m looking forward to this year being over – because I only have one life, and I want to appreciate it as much as I can – but I REALLY wish it was July 2014 instead. Dammit – this is what I was saying last year too. I hope next year is better than this year, and than last year. If only I had known, last year would have been the best year ever.

But what can you do?

Monday again

I just wanted to say that I had a dream about Matt last night. The storyline, if you can call it that, is extremely fuzzy right now, but somehow Matt had been away for about as long as he’s been dead, but he’d been with some guy friends who I’d met but didn’t know (actually, Tim Barringer was one of them). I remember being SO overjoyed to see him finally, but that he was hesitant to let me get close to him.

It didn’t really end because my alarm went off, and it was such a striking dream that I couldn’t go back to sleep. So I checked Facebook instead and read this poem that Dawn had posted on Matt’s wall; that, coupled with the dream (and everything else really) had me on the bathroom floor crying at 7:15 this morning. This morning feels like Monday #4 – that’s how distant I feel from Matt’s death right now. I wanted to stay huddled in bed all morning, crying and sleeping.

But instead I’m at work, like always.

Days like today everything seems unimportant. What does it matter? Who cares — or anyway, why should I care?

I opened up to this today —

Empty your mind of all thoughts.
Let your heart be at peace.
Watch the turmoil of beings,
but contemplate their return.

Each separate being in the universe
returns to the common source.
Returning to the source is serenity.

If you don’t realize the source,
you stumble in confusion and sorrow.
When you realize where you come from,
you naturally become tolerant,
disinterested, amused,
kindhearted as a grandmother,
dignified as a king.
Immersed in the wonder of the Tao,
you can deal with whatever life brings you,
and when death comes, you are ready.

Serenity. The only good thing is that Matt isn’t hurting.

22

I’m not sure how I feel about saying it, but this week has been pretty normal.

What that means is that I’ve felt happy to have people in my life who love me, and other days I’ve felt despondent because I have no one with whom to share my life anymore. I’ve spent evenings with friends. I’ve spent evenings alone. I’ve picked up my guitar this week and been surprised and how much I don’t really suck. I’ve crocheted a scarf for a friend (Matt’s best friend – besides me of course – and I’m doing it 1) for Matt, but 2) because anyone who he loved, I love. There aren’t many things that I can DO, but I feel like this is one thing that I CAN do. Even if she doesn’t like it (I’m pretty sure she will), I’m still doing it for Matt so I’m not worried.) I’ve read a lot. I’m never late for work.

I haven’t had any brilliant insights this week. I suspect that my brain is getting used to everything enough that I’m not constantly thinking about it, but also twenty-two weeks of pain, anguish, longing, loneliness, despair, anger, and all those emotions that come when your husband kills himself are not easy to bear and my brain might also be trying to let up some. I’m not sure. I’m just remembering that every step is a victory and that I’m going to keep going.

One thing I’m excited about – that expensive purse is finally delivering today (supposedly anyway)! I can’t wait to get off work today! Although I have a party tonight that I’m supposed to go to…which I don’t want to go to. The only reason that I might is because my friend Philip has really turned out to be a good friend to have over the last few months, and I want him to know that I appreciate it. I’ve been trying to figure out how I can go and not stay very long. If it was just going to be him and maybe one or two of his friends, that would be one thing. But also I’m like 5 years older than everyone else who is going to be there, and I know Philip is pretty mature but I don’t know about everyone else.

Oh, my social woes!!

Anyway. At least I have a friend who wants me to come to a party he’s having. 🙂 That’s a good thing.

I hate to wait.

I’m in a dissatisfied mood and felt like writing about it.

So I continue to change. When I read back over blog entries from a few months ago, it’s obvious. Everything was ALL ABOUT Matt’s absence before, and it was all that I could think about or focus on. I still feel all of that, but it’s different now. I don’t struggle as much with the fact that Matt is dead. I still ask him why he left me, but it’s more rhetorical than ever.

As I’m learning to accept this, I feel like – in the back of my mind somewhere – I expect things to start getting “back to normal.” The problem with this is that “back to normal” still means doing the same things that I’ve grown accustomed to over the last 5 + years. I can’t just flip a switch and revert back to my pre-Matt self either – that person was in school and working full time and I wouldn’t want to be that person again anyway. So I have to find something new. I know these upcoming months will be essential in helping me to be grounded again, just like the last few months have been horribly healing and necessary.

So I guess I’m complaining about the waiting. Is that REALLY all I can do??

I keep reminding myself that I’m not supposed to make any major decisions the first year after a major tragedy like this. I’m not really about to make any, but I keep getting tempted. I just want to start over sometimes. I want to move to a place where no one knows me (though it might be nice if one person came with me). Maybe a farming compound somewhere north. Sounds so appealing.

*sigh*

so many evenings are still spent just going through the motions. this evening, I’ve been cleaning the house and just realized that each room is pretty well in order, and everything looks neat and clean. and good…but currently it’s just making me feel emptier. so my house is clean. so I’m able to make myself go through all the motions. yay. (hope you can hear the lack of enthusiasm in my tone….)

in this moment, I’m reminding myself that every step is still a victory.

Twenty one and a day

Yesterday was kinda busy. And I didn’t have a ton to say (still don’t). And I was too lazy to log into WordPress.

So it’s been over 21 weeks. If I was counting the weeks of pregnancy, I’d be half-way there. I wonder how long I’ll be able to keep up with the weeks that have passed.

This week has been pretty decent, and crying spells have been short and fairly infrequent (though not far from my mind when I’m alone). Being alone has been easier though. I’m getting more used to it. I seem to feel the best when I can spend 4-5 evenings out of the week with friends, and have a couple left to myself. I don’t particularly enjoy being alone yet, but I still get tired from social over-exertion.

Everything still reminds me of Matt. I still think about him every day, and miss him all the time. He’s becoming more distant as time passes, which is fucking depressing but also a necessary step in healing. And I want to heal, as long as I can’t have Matt anymore.

I continue to be so thankful for Ryan and for my family. I love all you guys so much.