Monday again

I just wanted to say that I had a dream about Matt last night. The storyline, if you can call it that, is extremely fuzzy right now, but somehow Matt had been away for about as long as he’s been dead, but he’d been with some guy friends who I’d met but didn’t know (actually, Tim Barringer was one of them). I remember being SO overjoyed to see him finally, but that he was hesitant to let me get close to him.

It didn’t really end because my alarm went off, and it was such a striking dream that I couldn’t go back to sleep. So I checked Facebook instead and read this poem that Dawn had posted on Matt’s wall; that, coupled with the dream (and everything else really) had me on the bathroom floor crying at 7:15 this morning. This morning feels like Monday #4 – that’s how distant I feel from Matt’s death right now. I wanted to stay huddled in bed all morning, crying and sleeping.

But instead I’m at work, like always.

Days like today everything seems unimportant. What does it matter? Who cares — or anyway, why should I care?

I opened up to this today —

Empty your mind of all thoughts.
Let your heart be at peace.
Watch the turmoil of beings,
but contemplate their return.

Each separate being in the universe
returns to the common source.
Returning to the source is serenity.

If you don’t realize the source,
you stumble in confusion and sorrow.
When you realize where you come from,
you naturally become tolerant,
disinterested, amused,
kindhearted as a grandmother,
dignified as a king.
Immersed in the wonder of the Tao,
you can deal with whatever life brings you,
and when death comes, you are ready.

Serenity. The only good thing is that Matt isn’t hurting.

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I'm a young, childless widow who is trying to figure out the best way to deal with the world in light of my late husband's suicide. It's harder than I ever imagined it would be, but somehow at the same time I am still alive and even happy sometimes.

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