I’m not sure how I feel about saying it, but this week has been pretty normal.

What that means is that I’ve felt happy to have people in my life who love me, and other days I’ve felt despondent because I have no one with whom to share my life anymore. I’ve spent evenings with friends. I’ve spent evenings alone. I’ve picked up my guitar this week and been surprised and how much I don’t really suck. I’ve crocheted a scarf for a friend (Matt’s best friend – besides me of course – and I’m doing it 1) for Matt, but 2) because anyone who he loved, I love. There aren’t many things that I can DO, but I feel like this is one thing that I CAN do. Even if she doesn’t like it (I’m pretty sure she will), I’m still doing it for Matt so I’m not worried.) I’ve read a lot. I’m never late for work.

I haven’t had any brilliant insights this week. I suspect that my brain is getting used to everything enough that I’m not constantly thinking about it, but also twenty-two weeks of pain, anguish, longing, loneliness, despair, anger, and all those emotions that come when your husband kills himself are not easy to bear and my brain might also be trying to let up some. I’m not sure. I’m just remembering that every step is a victory and that I’m going to keep going.

One thing I’m excited about – that expensive purse is finally delivering today (supposedly anyway)! I can’t wait to get off work today! Although I have a party tonight that I’m supposed to go to…which I don’t want to go to. The only reason that I might is because my friend Philip has really turned out to be a good friend to have over the last few months, and I want him to know that I appreciate it. I’ve been trying to figure out how I can go and not stay very long. If it was just going to be him and maybe one or two of his friends, that would be one thing. But also I’m like 5 years older than everyone else who is going to be there, and I know Philip is pretty mature but I don’t know about everyone else.

Oh, my social woes!!

Anyway. At least I have a friend who wants me to come to a party he’s having. 🙂 That’s a good thing.

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I'm a young, childless widow who is trying to figure out the best way to deal with the world in light of my late husband's suicide. It's harder than I ever imagined it would be, but somehow at the same time I am still alive and even happy sometimes.

One thought on “22”

  1. I read something recently that said something along the lines of ‘just say yes’. Showing up with no expectations. It could be a horrible time, but what if it’s not? Anyways, i’m trying to keep that in mind, and just do things even when my brain and feelings are telling me to not.

    Also, I just got back from the mountains, and I have decided that we should do a girls camping trip to Cade’s Cove….sleeping, fires, hikes, reading, s’mores, coffee. Does that sound fun?


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