Ah, blog. Helping me stay organized.

I’m feeling pretty decent this morning, so far. Yesterday was a decent day as well; after work I went grocery shopping – which I hadn’t done in a long time (I was down to pretty much nothing in the fridge except some mushy tomatoes and cheese and a bunch of condiments). I felt oddly productive post-grocery store. After that I hung out with Ryan some because he needed a ride and I was bored. I stayed up too late watching a movie that I had watched two nights before, but oh well.

This morning, driving with the windows down, the humid air almost felt like an embrace, like a gentle caress. It was pleasant, and I would love to spend today with the clouds and the rain instead of with my computer and phone. Oh well – I also like being able to pay my bills.

Speaking of, I finally mailed the last Vanderbilt payment yesterday. I know I said I was already done with that, but somehow instead of paying the last two bills, I paid one bill twice (my brain doesn’t always work). I had to call to get them to transfer the last payment to my remaining open account, and then it took them a while to mail me a new bill. Anyway. It’s paid now. I hope I stop getting bills addressed to Matthew Ralston.

I’m having an urge to re-do my living room. Correction – I’m having an urge to get rid of my kittens so that I’m not constantly having to clean up and straighten everything. Things would stay a LOT cleaner if they weren’t around. I think I’m going to start keeping them in the garage when I can’t supervise them, though.

I know it’s foolish to let your possessions bolster your sense of personal worth, but I have to admit that this purse makes me feel better about myself. It’s so pretty, and smells so strongly of leather that I get whiffs every now and then. It makes me want to buy everything in leather from now on – and especially it makes me want to buy myself a leather sofa.

You know, this has all been a kick to my self esteem. I’m working on building it back up. I don’t think it’s ever been this big of a problem before…and it’s not like it’s a HUGE problem or anything, but I miss it nevertheless. I miss the stability of knowing that even if I look like shit or say something uncaring, I’d still have Matt in my court, on my side. I know that I have lots of people on my side still, but they don’t live with me and tell me that they love me every day. They don’t pick up dinner for me, or give me back rubs, or need me at all. Ugh. It makes perfect sense that a spouse’s suicide would be hard to heal from, but GEEZ. It just really, really sucks. And here I am, buying leather purses to make myself feel better.

Plenty more for me to complain about. But instead, I’m going to try to focus on more pleasant thoughts. I guess that’s a good idea, right?

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I'm a young, childless widow who is trying to figure out the best way to deal with the world in light of my late husband's suicide. It's harder than I ever imagined it would be, but somehow at the same time I am still alive and even happy sometimes.

3 thoughts on “”

  1. Um, yes, focusing on pleasant things IS good. Do it. Also, post a picture of the purse. We would like to see it.

    I can see the purse being a symbol of something good…I don’t know exactly what that would be, but I think it is OK to let the purse bolster your mood. Maybe it’s supposed to.


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