I hate to wait.

I’m in a dissatisfied mood and felt like writing about it.

So I continue to change. When I read back over blog entries from a few months ago, it’s obvious. Everything was ALL ABOUT Matt’s absence before, and it was all that I could think about or focus on. I still feel all of that, but it’s different now. I don’t struggle as much with the fact that Matt is dead. I still ask him why he left me, but it’s more rhetorical than ever.

As I’m learning to accept this, I feel like – in the back of my mind somewhere – I expect things to start getting “back to normal.” The problem with this is that “back to normal” still means doing the same things that I’ve grown accustomed to over the last 5 + years. I can’t just flip a switch and revert back to my pre-Matt self either – that person was in school and working full time and I wouldn’t want to be that person again anyway. So I have to find something new. I know these upcoming months will be essential in helping me to be grounded again, just like the last few months have been horribly healing and necessary.

So I guess I’m complaining about the waiting. Is that REALLY all I can do??

I keep reminding myself that I’m not supposed to make any major decisions the first year after a major tragedy like this. I’m not really about to make any, but I keep getting tempted. I just want to start over sometimes. I want to move to a place where no one knows me (though it might be nice if one person came with me). Maybe a farming compound somewhere north. Sounds so appealing.

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I'm a young, childless widow who is trying to figure out the best way to deal with the world in light of my late husband's suicide. It's harder than I ever imagined it would be, but somehow at the same time I am still alive and even happy sometimes.

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