Category: grief

I can’t keep my mind from wandering to Matt today – even while I’m at work. Today’s Ryan’s birthday, and I keep remembering how we drove to White Bluff last year with some beer and a lemon cake that I had made him, and maybe Nate Hunter (or maybe that was a different time?). Come to think of it, Matt had an ECT treatment that day and ended up feeling horrible by the end of the day.

I don’t want to be thinking about all of this. I’d rather be able to focus on this National Geographic article that I’m trying to read.

Had a pretty good weekend, though I don’t feel up for going into all the details. Friday evening, I drove to Spring Hill to hang out with Katie (probably the best decision I made all weekend 🙂 ). I spent the night and drove back Saturday morning, got breakfast at Wendell Smith’s, and spent pretty much the rest of the day at home relaxing. I did the same thing on Sunday except that I met my cousin Laura and her girlfriend for dinner – which was also nice. Overall, relaxing, low-stress weekend. I could have exerted myself socially more than I did, but it felt nice to just relax at home (in a clean house).

I took Lucille 2 to the vet this morning to get her spayed; also though, she had developed some kind of ear problem – not sure if it’s mites or an infection or what. I hope she does OK. She was so pitiful all weekend – I could tell she just felt awful because her ears were bothering her a lot. Poor little sweet kitty. Why couldn’t Lucille 1 be the sick cat? I’m taking her to be spayed next week.

Oh by the way. I’m 99% sure that I’m going to take a good chunk of Matt’s life insurance money and pay off my student loans and my car loan. This will free up over $500/month for me, which will be a BIG CHANGE in regards to my spending cash. I actually might be able to start saving again if I pay off those loans – though I haven’t worked out my budget yet. I’m getting up the nerve to write myself an $11,000 check (surprisingly, I only owe about $6,000 for my student loans and $4,000 for my car – because obviously everyone wants to know how much I’m in debt. Next post I’ll drop my SSN and license plate numbers.)

But that seems like a smart idea. I’ll still have some savings, but I won’t have to use it anymore. And I might be able to renew my lease another year – I really like my house and I really don’t want to move. If anyone has any thoughts they should weigh in.

As long as I’m being scattered (as usual), here’s something that happened the other day. I walked into Costco for whatever reason (probably flowers…), and there was a 20-something guy in the front trying to sell DirecTV. I was in a talkative mood (for me) and we started chatting about internet and cable and the like. The guy kept asking questions like, “Who do you guys have for cable?” and “What kind of TV do you guys have?” I’m not wearing a wedding ring. I was by myself. I have no idea why he assumed that I was a “we” except maybe because of my age. It was really odd.

Anyway. I think that’s it for now.

at the moment, I’m despairing of ever having happier years than I have already had. and of ever being as loved as I was.

sorry … not to be super melodramatic or anything. I ought to go to sleep and stop thinking.

I feel like I go through phases where all I do is complain – whether I’m writing it here, or talking to someone in person. (Exception being that I don’t complain to anyone at work…because it’s work.) But I feel like I have a lot to complain about and it’s good to get it off my chest. Ryan thinks that complaining makes you weaker, and I can see his point, but whatever.

After I got off work yesterday, I went home and mowed the front lawn. Didn’t mow the back, and definitely didn’t want to mow either but I forced myself to do the front. As always, I was glad that I did it as soon as it was done. I showered after that, and got Fat Mo’s for dinner. I ended up feeling much better, and even if that was because I exercised a little and then ate a greasy burger, I’ll take it. I hadn’t felt as depressed as I did yesterday in a while.

And it’s not all gone this morning, but I’m not letting myself think about too much so far, which helps of course. Even though life feels perfectly meaningless without Matt – most of the time – I know that in truth, it can still have as much meaning as it did before. It just doesn’t FEEL like it’s worth anything sometimes. I hate that I’m looking forward to this year being over – because I only have one life, and I want to appreciate it as much as I can – but I REALLY wish it was July 2014 instead. Dammit – this is what I was saying last year too. I hope next year is better than this year, and than last year. If only I had known, last year would have been the best year ever.

But what can you do?

I’m in a dissatisfied mood and felt like writing about it.

So I continue to change. When I read back over blog entries from a few months ago, it’s obvious. Everything was ALL ABOUT Matt’s absence before, and it was all that I could think about or focus on. I still feel all of that, but it’s different now. I don’t struggle as much with the fact that Matt is dead. I still ask him why he left me, but it’s more rhetorical than ever.

As I’m learning to accept this, I feel like – in the back of my mind somewhere – I expect things to start getting “back to normal.” The problem with this is that “back to normal” still means doing the same things that I’ve grown accustomed to over the last 5 + years. I can’t just flip a switch and revert back to my pre-Matt self either – that person was in school and working full time and I wouldn’t want to be that person again anyway. So I have to find something new. I know these upcoming months will be essential in helping me to be grounded again, just like the last few months have been horribly healing and necessary.

So I guess I’m complaining about the waiting. Is that REALLY all I can do??

I keep reminding myself that I’m not supposed to make any major decisions the first year after a major tragedy like this. I’m not really about to make any, but I keep getting tempted. I just want to start over sometimes. I want to move to a place where no one knows me (though it might be nice if one person came with me). Maybe a farming compound somewhere north. Sounds so appealing.

*sigh*

so many evenings are still spent just going through the motions. this evening, I’ve been cleaning the house and just realized that each room is pretty well in order, and everything looks neat and clean. and good…but currently it’s just making me feel emptier. so my house is clean. so I’m able to make myself go through all the motions. yay. (hope you can hear the lack of enthusiasm in my tone….)

in this moment, I’m reminding myself that every step is still a victory.

Yesterday was kinda busy. And I didn’t have a ton to say (still don’t). And I was too lazy to log into WordPress.

So it’s been over 21 weeks. If I was counting the weeks of pregnancy, I’d be half-way there. I wonder how long I’ll be able to keep up with the weeks that have passed.

This week has been pretty decent, and crying spells have been short and fairly infrequent (though not far from my mind when I’m alone). Being alone has been easier though. I’m getting more used to it. I seem to feel the best when I can spend 4-5 evenings out of the week with friends, and have a couple left to myself. I don’t particularly enjoy being alone yet, but I still get tired from social over-exertion.

Everything still reminds me of Matt. I still think about him every day, and miss him all the time. He’s becoming more distant as time passes, which is fucking depressing but also a necessary step in healing. And I want to heal, as long as I can’t have Matt anymore.

I continue to be so thankful for Ryan and for my family. I love all you guys so much.