I almost feel like I should maybe apologize for being too honest — but isn’t that what I’m going for here?
Last night I dreamt that Matt said he wouldn’t sleep with me because I was too ugly. When I asked for clarification (too ugly meaning too fat? or just too ugly in general?) he wouldn’t elaborate. Weird that I don’t really remember the context here — but it had something to do with us being separated for a while; he said this once we were back together. But seriously, brain, wtf? Why do you think I want to wake up with this on my mind, huh?
So to fight off feeling too ugly for sex, I showered and dried my hair and am EVEN wearing makeup today. Also I’m out of clean clothes so I’m wearing the dress I got for Anna Laura and Marshall’s wedding, which is mid-thigh length and making me feel slightly immodest (not the desired effect – just what happens when I have no clean clothes).
That’s what I get for not doing laundry, though.
Along with reminding myself that Matt thought I was pretty, I also was thinking about a line from an Indigo Girls song this morning — “Learn to pretend there’s more than love that matters” (from “Love Will Come To You” which was my mantra before meeting Matt). You know how everyone always says that as a single person, you should be focused on YOU and YOUR LIFE rather than being focused on finding a SO? And that if you can make your life into something you love without needing another person around, then when you do find someone else they will just enhance your current life rather than defining it (or whatever the other alternatives to “enhance” would be). I’ve always subscribed to this philosophy, but in the back of my mind I wonder if it’s actually true.
And I say that just because in the 5 years that I was with Matt, my life was just so many worlds better than it was before. It wasn’t doing things that made me happy — it was just being with Matt. Which sounds so weird, coming from such an introvert (who is almost happier by myself than with most people).
But I get nervous sometimes — what if I never find that level of happiness again? It’s safer to take the “bettering yourself instead of looking for love” path, since you have much more control over the outcome. But that’s really second best, isn’t it? I’m not sure if I’m depressed about this or not, though; there is plenty of happiness and contentment to be had by myself. And it IS true that “bettering myself” (I hate that term) will make me feel better in general and increase my self confidence (etc).
Well anyway. These are all the thoughts I had on the subject I guess.