Let’s see here.

I’m in a weird mood, so we’ll see how this blog entry goes. (Weird mood = somewhere between contentious, lazy, and bloated [as feel have gained 10 pounds in the last 36 hours])

First of all, I had a great weekend, which was surprising but very welcome. Friday, which was Valentine’s Day, was great. I did have a “date” thing I guess, whatever, but also my boss got married that day which helped my mood incredibly. This boss has two kids and was divorced, and married a guy who has three kids and is divorced. And she is the sweetest person in the world — and was just so, so happy on Friday (I saw pictures). Just seeing their happiness made me feel better.

Saturday was productive — I cleaned the house which was long overdue, and then hung out with Katie that night. Yesterday I pretty much stayed home except for a trip to Target for necessities (e.g. cat food and litter) and to Aldi for groceries. Made some peanut butter cookies which are probably the reason I feel like I gained 10 pounds since Saturday night. Ugh.

I’m brainstorming things to do on Friday. I’m taking the day off, and Katie and Ryan are also off, so I’m planning on spending all day with them pretty much. Going to do a day hike and then go to Wendell Smith’s for breakfast. Past that, I’m still planning.

So Anna Laura made a comment that made me want to say something. I feel like people are kind of nervous or afraid to talk to me about Matt and all the surrounding events. Maybe they’re afraid of being triggers or something – I’m not sure. But… let me put it this way. For Matt to suddenly disappear from my life last February was horrible, but for him to also disappear from conversation and everything else just makes it that much worse. Does that make sense? He’s gone, and I can’t help that. But it makes his absence even more poignant and worse when people are afraid to talk about him. So PLEASE don’t EVER hesitate to bring him up around me, or to ask me questions, or to make comments. I miss him so much, and for people to avoid talking about him makes the missing worse, not better.

I kind of want to put that on FB, but that would be too much attention. So anyway, there you have it, and tell your friends. I’m not afraid of my past and I’m not afraid of integrating it into my present and future.

Published by


I'm a young, childless widow who is trying to figure out the best way to deal with the world in light of my late husband's suicide. It's harder than I ever imagined it would be, but somehow at the same time I am still alive and even happy sometimes.

3 thoughts on “Let’s see here.”

  1. Theoretically, It might not be such a bad idea to post it to Facebook. It might actually be a relief to people to know that they can talk to you about it, and make the situation less awkward. A lot of people might not know what your preference is, so they prefer to err on the side of not saying anything that might offend you. It could make situations less awkward if they know.

    We live in a society in which basic bodily functions (like sex or death) that are part of the cycle of life are deemed sensitive topics. If you talk about sex, then you’re a pervert or nympho or whatever. If you talk about death, then you’re morbid or ghoulish. Partly, I guess, it’s because people attach all kinds of moral implications to this stuff; plus people are sometimes uncomfortable talking about certain feelings.

    But I do the same thing a lot of times when I feel shy or worry about how people will react to something — I use my blog as a middle ground between keeping stuff to myself and posting it to Facebook. Maybe this is the best way. It really comes down to whatever you feel most comfortable with. Sometimes it’s best, when trying to help change how people act or think, to go slowly and in small steps.


    1. So my mom had posted it yesterday morning, and she tagged me…but I guess it still wasn’t visible to many of my friends. But she had lots of people tell her that it was helpful for them to hear that perspective, so I decided to go ahead and put it on my wall too. As you might see.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s