I was standing in front of Matt’s portrait last night and started crying. It was a new cry though – I wasn’t crying because I was sad that Matt is gone. I was crying because I was sad that life is so futile. We think we’re suck a huge fucking deal, but we aren’t. And Matt will be forgotten. I will be forgotten. Literally almost every single person who has lived, will live, or is alive now, will be forgotten. We will all die, and our bodies will turn back into dust.
I wish I knew what happened to our consciousnesses. Most of the crying was because I believe that they just cease to be.
Well guys. I am tired of pretending.
What this means is just that I don’t like having to think about what I say before I say it. Outside the context of work. I actually do like the fact that I can pretend to be a super cheerful happy customer service rep while I’m here. And really it isn’t that much of a stretch since I DO like being cheerful and happy. Pretending to be happy and cheerful can actually MAKE you those things, I know.
But still. It’s a lot of effort!! I do feel a tad guilty because I’ve been pretty antisocial lately. I got a little overwhelmed with people wanting to hang out last weekend which – as usual – meant that I did almost nothing with anyone.
Sometimes I wonder if it’s bad that it’s so easy for me to be a loner. Easy, and usually preferable. I mean, it worked great when I was married. As a single person though, it has come to mean that I just don’t see people during the week. Which….actually……..isn’t that bad. (I don’t think?)
In other news, I dyed my hair last night. It had been a loooooong time – I stopped because I got tired of driving to Green Hills for the henna dye. I sucked it up yesterday though, and got a several-month supply, so maybe I’ll let it grow out for real next time.
The quilt is not progressing as quickly as my new Skyrim character. Oh geez.