Am I actually intelligent? Does the fact that I’m self-aware enough to admit a lot of my shortcomings make me any smarter than people who never examine themselves? What about the fact that I usually let reason and logic trump emotions – does that make me smart?
I find myself wanting to withdraw into myself even more than I already have. At the same time, I crave the comfort of being near people who love me. I hate feeling like I have to perform all the time, which is exactly how I feel when I’m with people to whom I’m not very close. Even with Ryan and Katie I feel like I should try to be good company, unless I’m drunk and just don’t give a damn.
I need to find a goal or a purpose for myself right now. Before, it was creating a life with Matt. More recently, it’s been mourning. I’m starting to get enough distance between my present self and Matt that I feel like I should be making some new movement in new (or at least neglected) directions. I could re-learn Greek, for example. But what purpose would that serve? I could start painting or drawing again. I could pick up a brand new hobby. I could make crafts out of those game boards from Mar to make a little extra cash at craft fairs. Come to think of it, I should definitely be doing that.
In the past, I have felt most successful and accomplished when I do not have to lean or count on anyone else for help. When I can do shit by myself, I feel good.
I’m going to start forcing myself to take walks in the evenings. I know that I’ve said this before, but I mean it. And I’m going to start forcing myself to be productive in the evenings, instead of going to bed at 8pm and watching Sex and the City until I fall asleep.
Matt is so far away. He is becoming a part of my past — a part that I cherish and miss and remember, but nevertheless a part of my past. I’m glad that I’m feeling this so gradually, because I don’t think I could have handled it before. Obviously I still hate the whole situation, but it’s better than it was – and it’s better than it could be.