I don’t feel beauty the way I used to. I hope this is temporary. Beauty used to arrest me, almost taking me by surprise. Lately though, when I notice something beautiful, I react one of two ways – if it reminds me of Matt , then all I can think about is him; otherwise, I just feel kind of numb. I know I should be moved by beauty…but I can’t force it.

I hope this goes away soon.

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I'm a young, childless widow who is trying to figure out the best way to deal with the world in light of my late husband's suicide. It's harder than I ever imagined it would be, but somehow at the same time I am still alive and even happy sometimes.

5 thoughts on “”

  1. So, why not just keep letting beauty remind you of him? What you describe sounds very typical for someone who has lost her first love, since after all, who else would you think of? It seems harmless enough.

    I still think of my ex every day, in enjoyable ways, and probably will continue to until I find the next girlfriend. Why not? One might as well savor the memories of what was beautiful and fun, as a way of tiding one over through the drought until the next romantic experiences.

    Matt was a great guy, so I’m sure that makes it all the more likely that the beautiful would tend to bring him to mind. Might as well give in to it.


    1. I’m sure it’s harmless – if not beneficial. And I do give into it. It almost seems pointless after doing it so many times – it just makes me feel bad. I’m looking forward to getting to the place where this Kahlil Gibran quote makes me more joyful than sad — “When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.”

      I don’t know how true this is, but someone told me that you never really get over an ex until you meet someone new.


  2. I have experienced a similar thing about beauty, and as I heal, I see an appreciation for it coming back. It will come back for you. As always, I wish you didn’t have to be in the place you are…but it won’t last forever.


  3. It probably sounds silly, but I always think about the Sex and the City movie where Carrie wonders when she’ll ever laugh again, and they tell her she will when something is really, really fun….. then she does! I feel like a lot of things are like that. When you are ready to feel beauty again, you will. It’s just a matter of when not if.


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