I felt a little better when I woke up this morning and saw blue sky (also I went to bed earlier than has been the norm for the last month, so that might have helped too). Last night’s bath was nice, and watching Babette’s Feast was too. Ryan was there all evening so I didn’t do much straightening up, but I’ve done a pretty damned good job of keeping the house clean lately. It’s not spotless, but it’s SO MUCH BETTER than it could be.
So I have a counselling appointment tonight. I’m nervous, but maybe a little bit excited. Not very excited though. But even if I don’t like her and don’t go back to see her, it will probably still be good for me. I’m not very good at talking. As much as I am dreading this, I cannot imagine how hard it must have been for Matt. I really can’t. I’ve come to realize over this last month (plus) that I really had no idea what Matt was feeling. I knew that I didn’t have much of a clue and I would try and try to get him to open up and tell me. Sometimes he would, most of the time he wouldn’t. But even the times that he would open up…I just didn’t have any past experience that helped me in any way to understand what and how he was feeling. I didn’t know. I feel like I could have been more supportive if I had been able to understand more. I know there’s nothing I really could have done about that, but it’s just another “what if.”
All my regrets concerning Matt have to do with not being able to spend enough time with him. I guess it could be worse.