and another thing —

About 30 minutes after that last post, I’m feeling grateful for the people around me who love me.  I’m thankful for Matt’s love, too, even if it didn’t last long enough.  I can’t imagine how hard this would be without so many people who want to help me and who care about me.  It’s hard for me to see and feel thankful for that sometimes, but I’m trying to work on that.  There are so, so many emotions running through me at any given moment that it’s hard for me to focus and react and make decisions and all that, but they say that time brings clarity out of all this chaos. 

Anyway.  I’m very thankful for my family and for Matt’s (who seem to want me to remain a member of their family – which is a relief and a comfort), and for all Matt’s friends and my friends.  I’ve heard that there are people out there who don’t even know me but still care about me and this situation, which I don’t quite understand but I’m not going to argue.

So.  Thank you.

In lieu of texting Matt

Since I can’t text Matt to tell him how immensely I’m missing him, I’m writing it here. 

One of my favorite things EVER was to get home after an unpleasant day at work (or any day at work for that matter) and snuggle on the couch with Matt.  I’ve caught myself trying to look forward to that a couple of times this morning.  It’s so very disappointing to realize that the reason I’m looking forward to being home is because Matt will be there.  Because he won’t be there. 

Oh fuck, I miss him so much.  My cognative mind knows that I’ll be OK eventually.  But that doesn’t really translate into helping me feel better at the moment at all. 

I’m going to have to learn to live in a completely different way.  I’ve been single before – plenty of experience there – but it’s horrible to be forced into this against my will.