I know these last SEVERAL posts have been quite glum. I know it’s not fun to read depressing shit all the time. But I don’t want anyone worrying about me, because I’m alive and plan to stay that way. I have no idea about anything else at this point, but I know that I’m going to keep plodding along with this life and living stuff. As much as I abhor the thought of living the rest of my life without Matt, I don’t want to die with him either. And that will be my choice as long as I am alive.
So just wanted to let everyone know that I know that I’ll probably be okay again. I knew it before Matt killed himself, and he knew it too. I don’t want to accept that right now because I don’t want to accept that Matt is never coming back to me, but it’s just true and something that I cannot deny. I don’t think that my right brain and my left brain have ever been at odds to this extent before. It’s like there’s a disconnect between the two sides, and I can only focus on one side at a time rather than reconciling them. But I have no right to complain about brain problems.