Day: March 18, 2013

By the way…

I know these last SEVERAL posts have been quite glum. I know it’s not fun to read depressing shit all the time. But I don’t want anyone worrying about me, because I’m alive and plan to stay that way. I have no idea about anything else at this point, but I know that I’m going to keep plodding along with this life and living stuff. As much as I abhor the thought of living the rest of my life without Matt, I don’t want to die with him either. And that will be my choice as long as I am alive.

So just wanted to let everyone know that I know that I’ll probably be okay again. I knew it before Matt killed himself, and he knew it too. I don’t want to accept that right now because I don’t want to accept that Matt is never coming back to me, but it’s just true and something that I cannot deny. I don’t think that my right brain and my left brain have ever been at odds to this extent before. It’s like there’s a disconnect between the two sides, and I can only focus on one side at a time rather than reconciling them. But I have no right to complain about brain problems.

Another mopey post (be forewarned)

Second Monday back at work.  Monday mornings are the absolute worst.  I just don’t want to keep going.  I mean, I will keep going, but I don’t want to.  I know I have to accept Matt’s suicide and eventually be at peace about it, but I don’t want to do that and also don’t know how.  Sometimes I feel differently, but at this moment on Monday morning, I would give anything to be snuggled in bed with Matt and if I can’t ever have that again then I don’t want anything.

 

I just miss him so…..so……so…..so….so……………..so……..much.  I have a whole new week in front of me and no desire to do anything but sleep (and see Matt, of course). 

 

It’s not like I enjoy being depressed.  An enormous part of my life is suddenly missing though, and I was so happy before.  It’s easy to despair, especially on Monday mornings.  If I can just make it to 12:00 then I can go home and take a nap. 

 

I had a pretty good weekend though – I mean, comparatively good anyway.  It was sad of course, and I had a hard time enjoying the spring-like weather because I have a hard time enjoying anything these days, but the sun and the wind felt good, and it felt good to be around people who like me, too.  On Saturday, I went to Brentwood/Franklin with Helen, Tammy, and Delana.  I ended up with a lacy blue scarf (very pretty), a sea foam colored pitcher and some new wash clothes, and 2 yards of map print fabric to use as the lining on my map quilt.  I wish Matt could see the end product.  I miss him being proud of me.  I miss everything about him. 

 

Ryan and I had brunch with Cathy on Sunday, and that was nice.  Spent most of the rest of Sunday doing laundry and sewing until I ran out of blue thread.  Ended up going to Lowe’s with Ryan and Helen, and then Helen took us to a sushi place for dinner. 

 

It was nice to be around people, whether it made me sad or not.  Sadness is something that I have lived with before, though not to this extent by any stretch of the imagination.  But I can do it again, and hope that sometime beautiful will come from all of this.  Hope.  I guess.