Day: March 12, 2013

I’ve been at work less than an hour so far.  I was hoping that today would be easier than yesterday – and it still could be.  But being here reminds me of how lonely I am.  Before, I would text Matt throughout the day and he would text back when he could, but it was so nice to be able to send him my thoughts and feelings and whatever else and know that he appreciated hearing from me.  Now I feel that irrelevant texting would just annoy whomever I decided to text.  Blogging helps I guess, but it’s so much less personal – I’m just throwing everything out there and I know some people are reading it…but there is no dialogue involved. 

 

But mostly I just fucking miss Matt.  The love of my life.  Overall I mentally and emotionally accept that he is dead and he is never, ever coming back to me.  But every now and then, it still blows my mind (an enormously tactless pun, I know, but I feel like Matt would laugh so I’m leaving it in).  I can’t believe my wonderful husband would just abandon me.  I’m still not sure what to do with that information – how to compute and process. 

 

 

But…on the other hand…I can and do believe it.  And I’m glad that Matt isn’t suffering anymore.  I just wish there could have been another way to stop the pain.

To end the day’s blogging on a somewhat less depressing note, I’ll add that after work (which was depressing as hell despite everyone being glad to see me back and being very nice to me) I met Amy for dinner.  Even though there really isn’t anything you can say that’s going to make me feel better (seriously, I’ve already thought of most of the positive things in this situation and they aren’t really helping my mood yet), it does feel good when people express their love for me in outward manifestations.  Such as wanting to have dinner with me.  The hard part is making myself actually GO to dinner, in this example (this has always been a struggle).  It’s easier for me to lye around feeling sorry for myself, but THAT doesn’t make me feel better – at least not yet.

I’m alone at home right now.  I’ll probably be sleeping here by myself tonight too.  It will be the first time since Matt died, but it’s something that I’ve had to do many nights over this last year.  I don’t know if all of that helped emotionally prepare me for any of this, but I can tell that it at least helped prepare me mentally.  But yeah, that’s certainly no consolation right now.  Just an observation I guess.

And I’ll close with this picture of Matt’s amazing hair.