I’ve been at work less than an hour so far. I was hoping that today would be easier than yesterday – and it still could be. But being here reminds me of how lonely I am. Before, I would text Matt throughout the day and he would text back when he could, but it was so nice to be able to send him my thoughts and feelings and whatever else and know that he appreciated hearing from me. Now I feel that irrelevant texting would just annoy whomever I decided to text. Blogging helps I guess, but it’s so much less personal – I’m just throwing everything out there and I know some people are reading it…but there is no dialogue involved.
But mostly I just fucking miss Matt. The love of my life. Overall I mentally and emotionally accept that he is dead and he is never, ever coming back to me. But every now and then, it still blows my mind (an enormously tactless pun, I know, but I feel like Matt would laugh so I’m leaving it in). I can’t believe my wonderful husband would just abandon me. I’m still not sure what to do with that information – how to compute and process.
But…on the other hand…I can and do believe it. And I’m glad that Matt isn’t suffering anymore. I just wish there could have been another way to stop the pain.