I know these last SEVERAL posts have been quite glum. I know it’s not fun to read depressing shit all the time. But I don’t want anyone worrying about me, because I’m alive and plan to stay that way. I have no idea about anything else at this point, but I know that I’m going to keep plodding along with this life and living stuff. As much as I abhor the thought of living the rest of my life without Matt, I don’t want to die with him either. And that will be my choice as long as I am alive.
So just wanted to let everyone know that I know that I’ll probably be okay again. I knew it before Matt killed himself, and he knew it too. I don’t want to accept that right now because I don’t want to accept that Matt is never coming back to me, but it’s just true and something that I cannot deny. I don’t think that my right brain and my left brain have ever been at odds to this extent before. It’s like there’s a disconnect between the two sides, and I can only focus on one side at a time rather than reconciling them. But I have no right to complain about brain problems.
No Promises This Time 
In an encouraging sort of way I think you’re making progress. I am glad to see your post to say that ending the pain prematurely is not an option…I think that is a courageous thing to say. I am glad too that Matt told you how proud he was of you…something that I never said enough of to any of you guys. I think one thing I miss is my dad not really being proud of me. My recollections were that I never really measured up. Dad had other kids he could be proud of but it hurt that I wasn’t one of them. Life is what it is…but thankfully there is redemption.
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