Another mopey post (be forewarned)

Second Monday back at work.  Monday mornings are the absolute worst.  I just don’t want to keep going.  I mean, I will keep going, but I don’t want to.  I know I have to accept Matt’s suicide and eventually be at peace about it, but I don’t want to do that and also don’t know how.  Sometimes I feel differently, but at this moment on Monday morning, I would give anything to be snuggled in bed with Matt and if I can’t ever have that again then I don’t want anything.


I just miss him so………so…….so…………………..much.  I have a whole new week in front of me and no desire to do anything but sleep (and see Matt, of course). 


It’s not like I enjoy being depressed.  An enormous part of my life is suddenly missing though, and I was so happy before.  It’s easy to despair, especially on Monday mornings.  If I can just make it to 12:00 then I can go home and take a nap. 


I had a pretty good weekend though – I mean, comparatively good anyway.  It was sad of course, and I had a hard time enjoying the spring-like weather because I have a hard time enjoying anything these days, but the sun and the wind felt good, and it felt good to be around people who like me, too.  On Saturday, I went to Brentwood/Franklin with Helen, Tammy, and Delana.  I ended up with a lacy blue scarf (very pretty), a sea foam colored pitcher and some new wash clothes, and 2 yards of map print fabric to use as the lining on my map quilt.  I wish Matt could see the end product.  I miss him being proud of me.  I miss everything about him. 


Ryan and I had brunch with Cathy on Sunday, and that was nice.  Spent most of the rest of Sunday doing laundry and sewing until I ran out of blue thread.  Ended up going to Lowe’s with Ryan and Helen, and then Helen took us to a sushi place for dinner. 


It was nice to be around people, whether it made me sad or not.  Sadness is something that I have lived with before, though not to this extent by any stretch of the imagination.  But I can do it again, and hope that sometime beautiful will come from all of this.  Hope.  I guess.

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I'm a young, childless widow who is trying to figure out the best way to deal with the world in light of my late husband's suicide. It's harder than I ever imagined it would be, but somehow at the same time I am still alive and even happy sometimes.

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