Second Monday back at work. Monday mornings are the absolute worst. I just don’t want to keep going. I mean, I will keep going, but I don’t want to. I know I have to accept Matt’s suicide and eventually be at peace about it, but I don’t want to do that and also don’t know how. Sometimes I feel differently, but at this moment on Monday morning, I would give anything to be snuggled in bed with Matt and if I can’t ever have that again then I don’t want anything.
I just miss him so…..so……so…..so….so……………..so……..much. I have a whole new week in front of me and no desire to do anything but sleep (and see Matt, of course).
It’s not like I enjoy being depressed. An enormous part of my life is suddenly missing though, and I was so happy before. It’s easy to despair, especially on Monday mornings. If I can just make it to 12:00 then I can go home and take a nap.
I had a pretty good weekend though – I mean, comparatively good anyway. It was sad of course, and I had a hard time enjoying the spring-like weather because I have a hard time enjoying anything these days, but the sun and the wind felt good, and it felt good to be around people who like me, too. On Saturday, I went to Brentwood/Franklin with Helen, Tammy, and Delana. I ended up with a lacy blue scarf (very pretty), a sea foam colored pitcher and some new wash clothes, and 2 yards of map print fabric to use as the lining on my map quilt. I wish Matt could see the end product. I miss him being proud of me. I miss everything about him.
Ryan and I had brunch with Cathy on Sunday, and that was nice. Spent most of the rest of Sunday doing laundry and sewing until I ran out of blue thread. Ended up going to Lowe’s with Ryan and Helen, and then Helen took us to a sushi place for dinner.
It was nice to be around people, whether it made me sad or not. Sadness is something that I have lived with before, though not to this extent by any stretch of the imagination. But I can do it again, and hope that sometime beautiful will come from all of this. Hope. I guess.
