GMOs

Really bored at work today.

I found this article on Reddit and am posting it here instead of Facebook because for some reason, this stuff is controversial. The article is a critique of a story in the August 2013 Elle, in which the author of the story says that a doctor finally was able to diagnose her allergy problems as being caused by eating genetically modified corn. I have been a little confused about the whole GMO debate because the ability to genetically modify food seems like it’s a good thing to me. Don’t get me wrong – I would avoid eating them if just to boycott Monsanto, but I don’t know if that’s actually possible.

This article explains and debunks the allergy side of the debate anyway. One of the scientists interviewed (Richard Goodman) explains that YES, new proteins (potential allergens) CAN be created by GMOs, but these proteins are “evaluated specifically for potential risks of allergy” (it’s on page 2 somewhere – I’m not citing this shit).

I get annoyed about this issue because I feel like people are buying into the hype without doing the research. So if you’re interested, you should check out this article. And if you have opinions, I’m interested in hearing them.

http://www.slate.com/articles/health_and_science/science/2013/08/can_gmo_corn_cause_allergies_don_t_believe_elle_s_scary_story.html

So!

I made a discovery yesterday – if you Google “I hate Lipscomb,” I’m the top search result! This is why I get so many damned hits on that post, which is not even an interested entry. I almost want to go back and change it some so that it’s a better rant, but I don’t think I’m going to do that. I was talking with L about it some yesterday and decided that I don’t want to edit old blog entries as a matter of principle. My thinking is that the entries are a history of ME, and if the person who I am now goes back and changes anything, the entries aren’t as pure.

I do kind of feel bad about that entry getting attention, though, because Steve Prewitt himself called me a couple of weeks into taking that Bible class and told me that they had taken another look at my file and determined that due to new Bible rules, I in fact already had all my graduation requirements and could go ahead and drop the class/cancel my loan and graduate. It was a VERY happy day.

Doesn’t mean that I don’t hate Lipscomb, it just means that I think it might be a better place since I went to school there.

thirty-seven

Today has been busy. I have literally had to calm myself the last few times that the phone has rung because I feel like screaming into it. But I wouldn’t do that. I would kinda like some stress balls right now, though. Less than an hour to go and things have calmed down/I have caught up (thus the blogging at work).

I miss Matt.

Grief is such a strange, strange thing. Matt is not always in the back of my mind; sometimes I completely forget that I’m sad. Frequently though, I still see two different paths in my life – the one that I’m on now, and the one that I would have been on. I was better at being single in my 20’s, guys. These days I just want to go home after work most of the time. Not like anything much is going on there – it’s just comfortable and peaceful and I don’t have to exert myself talking to people.

I’ll start getting out more. The first step is getting more exercise, which I’ve been doing. I’m not sure what the second step is going to be, but I’ll probably know it when I see it. Honestly, this is more normal behavior for me anyway; the first few months after Matt died I was desperate for company and to be surrounded by people who love me. I guess it’s probably good that I’m getting back to my normal introverted self, right? I mean, as long as I don’t go overboard and become an obese hermit – right? I don’t foresee either of those things happening, so I’m think I’m OK.

So…a week into November, I’m remembering that I need to start thinking about Christmas presents, and I want to make it known that this year’s gifts aren’t going to be NEARLY as great as they usually are. I’m doing better but I’m still not happy-chipper-motivated all the time, especially when it comes to planning Christmas gifts. (*sigh*) I might even buy everyone’s gifts this year. Sorry in advance, but I’ll try to do better next year…..

Monday/Tuesday

Monday mornings aren’t consistently as bad as they used to be, so that’s a good thing. I have woken up dreaming about Matt the last two mornings in a row though, so that’s not as good. Yesterday was Sunday so waking up in a melancholy mood wasn’t that big of a deal. This morning though, I woke up much earlier than usual due to the time change, and had enough time to take a 1.5 mile walk and then a shower before work. That helped a lot.

The weekend ended up being very enjoyable. I hung out with Ryan on Friday night (we drove around blaring K’s Choice – it was awesome). Went to Hidden Lakes on Saturday morning; not only was that the first time I’d ever hiked out there without Matt, but it was also the first time I’d ever hiked by myself. I LOVED it. I might do Beaman Park next weekend.

**********I got tired of writing yesterday and saved the draft but forgot to come back to it…until now************

I never finished describing my weekend, so in brief: I hung out with Nate Saturday, then hung out with Mar on Sunday. Otherwise, I hung out with the cats. I’ve been listening to K’s Choice pretty exclusively for the last few days and am learning one of their songs. It’s in F which is a key that I hate, but I can’t figure out how to transpose the F/a into the key of G – plus it sounds better in F as long as I can play all the chords correctly.

Yesterday evening, I went home and watched the last episode of Breaking Bad. It was……….how I would have wished that it would end. That show is so good.

Tonight I’m probably going to watch V for Vendetta with the cats. They likely won’t pay much attention though.

I have to say – I have not minded the time change SO FAR. The last couple of days, I’ve been up early enough to take a walk before I have to get ready for work, and I think that has been improving my mood a lot (imagine that!). I’m not happy about it being so dark by 5:00 at night, but it happens every year so there’s not much use complaining about it.

36

I didn’t write last week on purpose. And I don’t have much to say this week either.

For as pitiful as I’ve felt over the last couple of weeks, I’m doing a great job of not collapsing into despair or anything. I like being melodramatic here. I hold myself to a certain standard of minimal bitching and no pity parties when I’m around people, but a part of me wants to be able to let go of my self-restraint and ask for pity or love or whatever. Does that make sense? Part of me wants to be an attention whore, but my only outlets for that are Katie/Mom, and this blog. When I make melodramatic statements here, I usually completely mean them.

My brain isn’t working well enough to write today…..

Oh, and happy Halloween. Woo hoo.

I don’t feel beauty the way I used to. I hope this is temporary. Beauty used to arrest me, almost taking me by surprise. Lately though, when I notice something beautiful, I react one of two ways – if it reminds me of Matt , then all I can think about is him; otherwise, I just feel kind of numb. I know I should be moved by beauty…but I can’t force it.

I hope this goes away soon.

Hm.

I feel compelled to write, even though I don’t have anything particular to say. Maybe I’ll make a list. Of things I’m looking forward to.

– Getting off work so that I can go home, even though I have no further plans
– Going to see Ender’s Game in the IMAX
– Chris Thile is playing with the Nashville Symphony in February and I am determined to go, even if I have to go alone
– Making a trip to Porter Road Butcher which just opened up on Charlotte (and this also means that I’ll never have to go to Green Hills again, unless I need more hair dye…so I might just let it be brown and drab the rest of my life)
– Hanging out with Philip again so that we can exchange back rubs

OK, so it’s a short list, but it’s something.

I had a surprisingly productive evening last night, which consisted of washing a load of towels, and cleaning my kitchen. I am always amazed at how much better I feel after I make myself get up and clean something – or exercise – or anything productive. I also feel like I have expressed this sentiment about a million times on this blog. I try to have new thoughts…sometimes….

Thirty five weeks ago, I had been a widow less than 24 hours

Am I actually intelligent? Does the fact that I’m self-aware enough to admit a lot of my shortcomings make me any smarter than people who never examine themselves? What about the fact that I usually let reason and logic trump emotions – does that make me smart?

I find myself wanting to withdraw into myself even more than I already have. At the same time, I crave the comfort of being near people who love me. I hate feeling like I have to perform all the time, which is exactly how I feel when I’m with people to whom I’m not very close. Even with Ryan and Katie I feel like I should try to be good company, unless I’m drunk and just don’t give a damn.

I need to find a goal or a purpose for myself right now. Before, it was creating a life with Matt. More recently, it’s been mourning. I’m starting to get enough distance between my present self and Matt that I feel like I should be making some new movement in new (or at least neglected) directions. I could re-learn Greek, for example. But what purpose would that serve? I could start painting or drawing again. I could pick up a brand new hobby. I could make crafts out of those game boards from Mar to make a little extra cash at craft fairs. Come to think of it, I should definitely be doing that.

In the past, I have felt most successful and accomplished when I do not have to lean or count on anyone else for help. When I can do shit by myself, I feel good.

I’m going to start forcing myself to take walks in the evenings. I know that I’ve said this before, but I mean it. And I’m going to start forcing myself to be productive in the evenings, instead of going to bed at 8pm and watching Sex and the City until I fall asleep.

Matt is so far away. He is becoming a part of my past — a part that I cherish and miss and remember, but nevertheless a part of my past. I’m glad that I’m feeling this so gradually, because I don’t think I could have handled it before. Obviously I still hate the whole situation, but it’s better than it was – and it’s better than it could be.

I went to bed pretty early last night and woke up right before my alarm went off. I was already feeling more depressed than usual (I don’t know why), so I got out of bed and took a walk around the block. Less than a mile, but the air was crisp and the sky was overcast and everything felt congruous with my mood. (Plus I read an email from a friend about “fat girl fetishes” before I even got out of bed, and feel that I need to work on not being so fat.)

So lately, I’ve had little desire to be social at all. It’s possible that I just don’t feel like expending the energy necessary to plan or think about social outings – after all, I was pretty sociable this weekend. I can just picture myself turning into a middle-aged miser who goes to work and then sits around the house reading or watching TV. This is extremely easy to picture, actually, because currently most of my weekdays consist of going to work, and then sitting around the house reading and watching TV.

This morning, while I was still in bed, I had a flashback to when I was living on campus at Lipscomb. I had forgotten that I used to get depressed there. I had no friends and no car, and even though I could walk to Green Hills I really only did that to go to the grocery store or the Donut Den. Plus I felt ugly and fat most of the time, and I never had any money. I definitely had some good days – I remember how I used to open the window in the dorm as far as I could, and watch Harold and Maude to make myself feel better….or the many times I would wrap up in my cloak and take a carafe of hot water plus a mug to a deserted place on campus to read. But…the depression I experienced then was circumstancial, and when I moved to West End I don’t remember it lingering.

I know that whatever depression I feel now is also circumstantial and I don’t expect it to linger for years, or anything. I’d very much like to get rid of it, though.