Today has been busy. I have literally had to calm myself the last few times that the phone has rung because I feel like screaming into it. But I wouldn’t do that. I would kinda like some stress balls right now, though. Less than an hour to go and things have calmed down/I have caught up (thus the blogging at work).

I miss Matt.

Grief is such a strange, strange thing. Matt is not always in the back of my mind; sometimes I completely forget that I’m sad. Frequently though, I still see two different paths in my life – the one that I’m on now, and the one that I would have been on. I was better at being single in my 20’s, guys. These days I just want to go home after work most of the time. Not like anything much is going on there – it’s just comfortable and peaceful and I don’t have to exert myself talking to people.

I’ll start getting out more. The first step is getting more exercise, which I’ve been doing. I’m not sure what the second step is going to be, but I’ll probably know it when I see it. Honestly, this is more normal behavior for me anyway; the first few months after Matt died I was desperate for company and to be surrounded by people who love me. I guess it’s probably good that I’m getting back to my normal introverted self, right? I mean, as long as I don’t go overboard and become an obese hermit – right? I don’t foresee either of those things happening, so I’m think I’m OK.

So…a week into November, I’m remembering that I need to start thinking about Christmas presents, and I want to make it known that this year’s gifts aren’t going to be NEARLY as great as they usually are. I’m doing better but I’m still not happy-chipper-motivated all the time, especially when it comes to planning Christmas gifts. (*sigh*) I might even buy everyone’s gifts this year. Sorry in advance, but I’ll try to do better next year…..

Published by


I'm a young, childless widow who is trying to figure out the best way to deal with the world in light of my late husband's suicide. It's harder than I ever imagined it would be, but somehow at the same time I am still alive and even happy sometimes.

2 thoughts on “thirty-seven”

  1. I went for a long walk at one of the parks near our house. It was all paved and scenic. I’d be up for more of that, if you ever want to go. This is my favorite time of year to be outside.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s