Author: erinreeve

So the equinox seems to be today at 9:30pm (CDT)

I know, I’m terrible at titles.  The equinox is on my mind though, because I just got back from my lunch break and am saddened that I can’t spend the rest of the day outside.  That said, the mere fact that it’s beautiful outside and that fall is coming improves my mood (which is stupid as it has no actual affect on my afternoon whatsoever – I can’t even see out a window without standing up).  That one tree on Bagleyshop which always turns yellow while the rest of the trees are still dark green has started shedding leaves, which makes me happy.  So, so beautiful.  I love fall so much.

My lunch break was productive, though I again neglected to get any actual lunch (good thing I have an apple left from Friday…).  I went to Costco to pick up a couple of prescriptions, and then went to Old Navy where I got some pants (um, I don’t know why I’m hesitant to admit this, but they’re skinny pants) and was pleased to be able to fit into a size smaller than I typically get.  Which is especially odd, given the fact that they’re the skinny cut.  But whatever, not complaining, just thinking that I should lose some more weight.  I don’t actually feel like I’m losing weight at all though, so I’m really assuming this is a fluke – or the brand.  (Although, most of my jeans are this brand, so I don’t know what’s up.)

But yeah anyway, I wanted to get some – even though my calves are about as big around as, um, my head – so that I could use them as a template to alter some of my work pants.  All of which are baggy and make me feel like a slob; a few are baggy everywhere, and a few are just baggy in the waist area.  Instead of buying new clothes for work (blah), going to see if I can adjust these myself.  Good thing I know how to sew!!  (Ha!  That’s a joke you won’t get unless you know how complicated it is to sew clothing — it’s so much more involved than sewing quilts.  Even when you applique and then hand-quilt them.)

Had a good weekend.  Went to a free Over the Rhine show on Saturday with Stephen, a couple of his friends, and his sister/brother-in-law.  Had Prince’s hot chicken for the first time, and it was really really good – the seasoning on the mild was delicious, and the really hot stuff was a bit hot for my taste but I’d be interested in trying something in-between.  Fortunately/unfortunately, Hattie B’s is literally 10 minutes from my house so doubt that I’ll be trying more Prince’s any time soon.  But, ya know.  Funny – was listening to Wait Wait Don’t Tell Me yesterday, and they took a call from someone in Nashville.  The first thing the host said was something about hot chicken, to which the caller replied that she was a lifelong vegetarian.  It’s nice when you hear about non-embarrassing Tennesseans on NPR.

So anyway, in addition to having Prince’s for the first time on Saturday, I also went to the Pharmacy for the first time.  I really liked the place overall, and if/when I got back I want to try their burger that comes with mushroom stroganoff bechamel, but to be honest I thought Fat Mo’s regular burger was better than the regular Pharmacy Burger that I ordered.  (Bun quality was better at the Pharmacy, though.)  I will say that they had some amazing-looking sauces, and the curry ketchup I got on the side was amazing.

Sunday was a pretty typical Sunday – which basically means that I spent most of the day trying not to feel bad about how lazy I was!  Ha.  I got up and took a walk around the neighborhood (in lieu of hiking, as I slept a little later than I’d meant to), then did some laundry and washed some dishes and cleaned the living room.  Oh, also hung some pictures on the wall in my bedroom but I can’t decide whether I like them or not.  That wall has been difficult to find appropriately-sized pictures for.  Most of the rest of the day was spent watching TV/reading entire issue of the Sun that came in the mail on Saturday/playing Skyrim…….until I met Ryan at the Brewhouse for a couple of Blue Moons, and then went to Stephen’s later.  You know, when I write it all down like that, it was actually a pretty fantastic Sunday.

Speaking of Skyrim, I ordered this shirt which came a couple of days ago.  (Oh yeah, no way I’m losing weight as this shirt is a XXL — which I assumed would look like a dress on me, but I guess not.)

highhrothgar

I guess you probably can’t read it – but it’s basically a tourist ad for High Hrothgar and the Seven Thousand Steps.  Which…. would not be my #1 destination for a vacation in Skyrim, but can you imagine standing at the Throat of the World — what an amazing view!!!

Well anyway, I think that’s all I have to say, I guess.  What a feeble ending.  Need to work on titles and conclusions.

What day is it?

Thursday right?  Yes, yesterday was Wednesday.  (Arithmetic, you see, is very useful; without it I should hardly have been able to …guess the day….ok ok that’s not even applicable, but I just felt like throwing that line in.)

Stopped off at Pilot this morning for coffee and a breakfast-y thing, and the coffee is probably 3/5 Columbian, 2/5 hazelnut.  I meant to make it 50/50.  Oh well, no big deal.  Noticed that they have Pumpkin Spice coffee now, but did not get any.  Not the biggest pumpkin fan, unless we’re talking about muffins.  Mm, now I want to make pumpkin muffins.

So I decided I was in a tomato-soup-and-grilled-cheese mood yesterday, and had just recently been given a bunch of cherry tomatoes, so I made a creamy tomato basil soup with fresh mozzarella (and more tomato and basil on the sandwich) grilled cheeses.  I was pretty happy with the way they both turned out!  I did not seed the tomatoes but they just added an extra crunch to the soup.  I think that one of my biggest hang-ups with regards to making soup is that so many of them have a puree-ing step, and since I keep my blender and food processor in the garage, it’s….a deterrent.  Stephen keeps his blender out on the counter though, which is much more easily-accessible than mine.  Sometimes I think I should re-arrange my kitchen so that my appliances are all easier to reach.  Then I start mentally complaining about how small my kitchen is, and THEN I remember that my kitchen is actually a decent size and that i should shut up.

Eh, anyway.

So I got a gift card that I can use for ProFlowers, and I also get a discount with them through Lipscomb, so I’m thinking about sending myself flowers on October 1st (anniversary flowers, if you can call them that).  That’s a good idea right?  I mean it’s unlikely that I’ll wake up that morning and not think about the fact that I got married that day 4 years ago, although I’m not sure how to expect myself to feel about that.  Hmm.  Conversely, I could just go to Costco for flowers and save $50, but then I wouldn’t get them delivered.  Hmmmmm.

Oh yeah, I renewed (questionable word choice) my Costco membership which had lapsed several months ago for basically $35, which is a great deal especially since the whole package comes with stuff like a free rotisserie chicken, and other coupons which I’m unable to list as they have not come in the mail yet.  Mostly I’m excited about being able to buy flowers and books and movies that I don’t need.  Woot!  Oh and I should for sure start getting gas there again, too…..

Tonight, I’m going with Stephen to see Victor Wooten play with the NSO.  They’ll be doing some other pieces too, but I’m excited about seeing VW.  Stephen said he’s probably wearing a suit though, so that means I should try to look presentable.  I’m going home on my lunch break to figure out what the hell I should wear.  I’m tempted to just wear a black dress because, why not, but we’ll see.

Finally  made myself a “classical music” playlist since I can’t shuffle by genre on my phone (grumble).  So far have listened to  Chris Thile playing Bach, les Demoiselles, and now Arvo Part.  Would really like to be cranking this shit, but alas, I bet someone would complain.  Since these folks like to listen to country music around here.

Have I complained here about my Asian neighbors yet?  No, don’t think so.  Long story short – I seem to have inadvertently volunteered to try to help this lady get a job.  That’s not really quite right — what I did was try to help her one day, but she keeps coming back like a stray cat looking for food that I don’t have.  It’s getting pretty damned annoying, honestly, because she seems to think that I can somehow get her a job, even though the thing that’s holding her back is 1) language skills (she doesn’t speak English very well AT ALL) and 2) no car.  Neither of which am i prepared to help her with.

I felt that was appropriate.  Anyway, she really wants me to call the GM at O’Charley’s where they are apparently now hiring, because she thinks that even if she can’t call him and be legible over the phone, somehow it’ll be fine for no one to be able to understand her if she’s working there.

Anyway, I tried to help and I really don’t think I can do anything else.  She needs to start looking for a job within her circles, instead of asking random neighbors for help.  When she first approached me, for all I knew she was practically living on the streets or prostituting herself and really needed help getting back on her feet.  Since then, i have discovered that this is not really the case, so I don’t feel that much obligation.  That said, going to ignore her from now on.  If she can’t take a hint, that’s her problem.

Man I love It’s Always Sunny.  That line about jobs growing on jobbies makes me laugh every time!!

Well anyway, I’m out of even mildly interesting topics, it would seem.  Oh well.

WSPD

Apparently today is World Suicide Prevention Day.  This is bringing up emotions not because of the suggested candle-lighting tonight around 8pm, but more because of an email I got this morning from the survivors of suicide forum which I joined last year.  The email was asking for volunteers to spend an hour on the forum, responding to more recent survivors and trying to give them what we needed while we were at that point in our grieving – which distills down to understanding and hope. 

So, I went to the website to sign up, since this seemed like something I could definitely do.  When I got there and started reading through some of the recent entries though, I was struck with the image of reading them as if I was on the shore watching the writer flailing in the choppy waters, trying to pull themselves toward the shore but not getting anywhere.  

Side-note: vacationing in Ocracoke several years ago, my family was swimming in the ocean (or in the sound?) and accidentally discovered what a “rip tide” is.  Siblings and cousins were all in the water playing, with several parents/aunts/uncles looking on from the shore.  At some point one of the younger kids figured out that, try as they might, they could not swim back to the shore – and once the adults realized this, chaos ensued.  I do not remember being scared until Joel, who was nearby, latched onto me — all the while kicking and thrashing and freaking out and doing everything he knew, as a small child, to do to keep his head above water.  As the oldest kid there, I hadn’t needed help getting back to the shore, but once I was working to keep both myself AND Joel afloat, I started to get scared.  He kept pulling me under, and I didn’t think that I could carry both of us back.  I remember feeling very much out of control and frightened – especially since he was feeling about a million times more out of control and frightened than I was.  Thankfully, an uncle came and took Joel so that I was able to focus on getting myself back to shore – no biggie once Joel was gone.

I mention that experience to say that looking at those entries this morning reminded me of how I felt in the water at Ocracoke.  These people who are just now writing about how they’ve recently lost a loved one to suicide are kicking and screaming and thrashing and freaking out just like Joel did, and for the same basic reasons – they feel out of control (because the illusion that you have any control over another person’s body and mind is hard to shake) and frightened, and they don’t know how/if/when they’ll be getting back to solid ground.

Not only do they remind me of Joel on that day, but feelings that I have about being on the forum are reminding me of myself that day too; the thought of getting “back in the water” to try to help them out is a little bit scary for me.  I’m not afraid of floundering, and maybe “afraid” is not even the right word for me to be using.  I’m hesitant though.  I’m nervous about the emotions and memories that will inevitably come up again if I really engage with someone in the forum.  Even if I can throw someone a life jacket, I can’t pull them to the shore.  I can help them to stay afloat, but that’s all, and it takes so much more energy to stay afloat than it does to drown.  

I think I’m still going to volunteer to go over to the forum for an hour, but it’s going to have to be an hour after work, when I don’t have to worry about my calm, professional front.  I don’t want to avoid doing things – especially potentially helpful things – because I am scared or nervous.  That’s not a good way to go through life at all. 

Anyway, wanted to write about it instead of just ignoring my initial thoughts and feelings.  I’m trying to address my life head-on.

Embracing my inner dork

This is going to be about Skyrim, so be forewarned.  (I’m a tad bored at the moment.)

I’m currently playing a level 57 Breton named Astrud.  She is pretty damned bad ass if I do say so myself, and wears Dragonscale light armor (each item dual-enchanted as I have reached 100 on Enchanting twice now).  Weapons of choice are a Dragonbone bow (along with Dragonbone arrows), and a Dragonebone dagger used only for filling soul gems.  

I basically look like her, only 1) I’m wearing an Aetherial Crown, and 2) I just noticed that this is not a Dragonbone bow in the picture.  Meh.

So anyway, because I’ve gotten a few level so high (Enchanting, Smithing, Archery, and Sneaking all at 100 – with Enchanting as a Legendary 100) I’m loathe to stop playing with Astrud.  So I’m looking for new missions to do – stuff that’s kind of random and somewhat off the beaten trail.  At the moment, I’ve decided to go after the Dragon Priest Masks so that I can take them to Labyrinthian.  For visuals, this is what your typical Dragon Priest Masks looks like (this one is Morokei).

Pretty, eh?  I know, not so much.  But whatever.  Here’s a screen shot of the Dragon Priest shrine in Labyrinthian, which I guess is less visually stunning than it could be, but I’m hoping that getting it filled will be more gratifying than it looks.

YEA Dragon Priest Masks!!  I’m currently missing two (plus the additional wooden mask needed to activate the shrine) — Nahkriin, and Rahgot.  I’m not sure if you can tell, but I’m excited about finally getting this quest under my belt.  Labyrinthian is this mysterious, ancient place which has some kind of long-dead appeal about it…er, rather, the appeal is still there, but the place itself is long dead.  I should word that a different way.  It used to be the capitol of Skyrim and the ruins are in excellent shape, considering the age of the city.  

Note: these screen shots are not mine.  I found them all on google.  Don’t sue me.

Might update you later after I have completed this mission.  If it’s anticlimactic though, I probably won’t.  

 

Happy Tuesday!

I’m feeling about 50x better than this time yesterday, which I attribute to going to bed around 9pm last night.  Stayed up and watched a couple episodes of Curb Your Enthusiasm but was asleep before 10:00 anyway.  Woke up this morning feeling refreshed and rested and – naturally – disinclined to get out of bed which is about 100x more comfortable than it was before.  (Plus there’s no lingering smell of cat pee at all.)  Nevertheless, I did get up and now here I am repeating another day at the office.  

Yesterday evening was pleasant too — I mowed the back yard (Ryan said he’d mow the front….but…..you know…), then had pizza for dinner while playing Skyrim on the couch.  It’s so nice to just relax and not think about anything except why it’s taking three dragonbone arrows to kill those frost trolls, and why the dragon priest I just killed doesn’t have a mask.  Ahhhh.  

The plan for tonight is to mow the front lawn and go grocery shopping.  I think that I commented a week or so ago that I’d successfully avoided grocery shopping for about a month — so now I guess it’s been 6 weeks or so.  Need to clean out my refrigerator before I go.  Yuck.  

Oh I should also do another load of laundry.  I AM going to get caught up on this shit.  And it’s going to be awesome to not have any dirty laundry at all.  

Per Liesl, the bees from yesterday’s post was not a good example of the modern art desserts so I thought I’d post another cool one.  This is a cheese platter.  

mark bradford bradford cheese

Need to get ingredients to make at least one thing in this book while I’m at Aldi today, so I can stop putting up pictures from the book and start putting up ones that I’ve taken.  Mmhm.

I didn’t actually have that much to say.  Mostly I guess I wanted to encourage all of you to purchase memory foam mattress pads and additional quilted mattress pads to go on top, as this will add about 3″ of padding to your bed and be absolutely amazing.  If you don’t like soft beds, don’t do this.  But if you like your bed experience to be one of sinking into a soft, sheet-y embrace where you can immediately forget about everything you were worrying about before, then go the memory foam route.

comments

Been perusing some articles online this morning (it’s been a slow morning…) and was just reminded of why I never read comments at the end of these articles.  I live in a state of self-imposed ignorance regarding the intelligence of my fellow human beings; I like to think that everyone has critical thinking abilities (c’mon, critical thinking is the same as common sense isn’t it??) and that people will try to figure things out for themselves before posting completely idiotic statements online.  But….every time I go read comments after reading almost any type of article, I am amazed at how stupid some people are.  

Sorry if that’s mean.  But regardless, it’s true.

If you’re interested in the specifics (also I feel like I should offer examples instead of just arbitrarily throwing my opinion out there) – was reading this piece from the Atlantic, Is There Any Rational Case for Banning Gay Marriage?  I personally thought the article was well-reasoned…but don’t ask what made me keep scrolling down to view the comments.  Maybe I wanted to see if anyone would actually have a logical rebuttal?  Instead, comments like these (“Think about this for a moment: If your parents were gay you wouldn’t exist”; “Don’t be ridiculous. You are comparing the natural, biological pairing of a male and female, to some boy putting his wee wee up another boy’s butt”; “Homosexual pairing is a chosen biological dead end and as such merits absolutely no taxpayer subsidy or state sponsorship”) have a sort of snowball effect culminating in my desire to pull out my hair and yell profanities at random people.  

(HA!  Another reason I have a blog is to keep me from pulling out my hair and yelling at random people.  Good stuff.)

I will also note that a lot of the comments on this article (and I didn’t even make it very far) were positive and called these bigots out on being close-minded and stupid (i.e. it’s absolutely ridiculous to say that if your parents were gay then you wouldn’t exist; that assumes that gay people are either unable to conceive even after having intercourse with a member of the opposite sex, or that because they are not attracted to the opposite sex then they would never feel themselves pressured to pretend to be…).  

Anyway, had to vent a little.  I’m done now.  I think.  

mmhmmm.

So I ate a chunk of Gruyere last night while watching Curb Your Enthusiasm in bed, and I do not recommend this or plan to repeat it.  I’m blaming my weird mood on the cheese.  Totally legit.

Found this poem (below) this morning.  Liked it a lot.  Reminded me of this quote.

o'keefe

I Am Afraid

(Elizabeth Jacqueline Mpanga)

I am afraid of myself,
afraid of opening up to show my true colours
i am afraid of myself
afraid to put myself out there and let loose

i am afraid of the unknown
afraid of how people might react to the real me
i am afraid of pain
the pain that is caused by the rejection of a loved one
the pain that is caused by being judged toO harshly for one’s mistakes

i am afraid of my past
afraid that it will catch up with me and expose my ills
i am afraid of my shortcomings
afraid that they will come to light and ruin me
i left it all in the past, am a different person,
yet i am still afraid

i am afraid of forgiveness
afraid that if i forgive my past mistakes and people,
i won’t have anyone to blame for my present failures
i am afraid of loving
afraid because i refused to love when i should have loved

i am afraid of my own shadow
afraid that i can not trust myself with another’s heart
i am afraid of being kind and good
because it opens me up and exposes me to other people
i am afraid because i might get hurt

i am afraid of the present
afraid because i have no idea what my actions will result in later on
i am afraid of my fear
afraid because it will lead me to fail

i am afraid to ask forgiveness
afraid because i do not forgive easily
i am afraid of being alone ‘
afraid because loneliness hurts

i am afraid of rejection
afraid because deep down i just want to be loved
i am afraid of the night
afraid that my nightmares will come and get me

i am afraid of myself
afraid that i might not be good enough
i am afraid of being judged by others
yet i judge others

i am afraid of death
afraid because i don’t know where i’ll end up
i am afraid of myself
afraid because i do not trust myself

 

It’s so odd that I can be convinced that fear of this sort is detrimental and selfish, and yet I still cling to it somewhere in the back of my mind.  I’m reminded of the chapter from the Tao that I have tacked up next to my computer monitor — “Because he believes in himself, he doesn’t try to convince others.  Because he is content with himself, he doesn’t need others’ approval.  Because he accepts himself, the whole world accepts him.”

Why do I harbor fear at all?  Why am I not able to let it go – let it flow away from and out of me, and be content with the knowledge that “the universe is forever out of control, and that trying to dominate events goes against the current of the Tao”?  Why do I let other people have such a huge impact on my moods and attitudes?  Is it good to be mindful of my shortcomings in this area, or does that just make me feel worse?  How can it both be simple and complicated to answer my own questions?

the Grind

I think that I have neglected to inform you all about my current job status.  (This because everyone in Knoxville asked me about it last Sunday.)  Here’s your update – sorry I forgot to give it before.  I’m much less inclined to write about work if I am not actively miserable.

So I am partially back in the customer service world now.  I’m not taking miscellaneous phone calls though – just calls from the accounts I handle, and from sales reps.  I’m going to be focusing on food service — which, for right now, means that the food service reps will send me their problematic accounts/orders, and that I’ll be something of a mediator between the sales reps and the buyer.  This will involve a lot of troubleshooting and problem solving — things that not only am I good at doing, but I also kind of enjoy doing them.  

That’s your basic update, in a nutshell.  All this is subject to change, but this is what I’m doing right now anyway.  And I am SO MUCH HAPPIER at work than I was just a few weeks ago.  I love not dreading going to work.  (Now, we’ll see how I feel about it once the leaves start changing and the weather cools down and I want to spend every second of my life outside….but don’t have to worry about that quite yet.)