So I ate a chunk of Gruyere last night while watching Curb Your Enthusiasm in bed, and I do not recommend this or plan to repeat it.  I’m blaming my weird mood on the cheese.  Totally legit.

Found this poem (below) this morning.  Liked it a lot.  Reminded me of this quote.


I Am Afraid

(Elizabeth Jacqueline Mpanga)

I am afraid of myself,
afraid of opening up to show my true colours
i am afraid of myself
afraid to put myself out there and let loose

i am afraid of the unknown
afraid of how people might react to the real me
i am afraid of pain
the pain that is caused by the rejection of a loved one
the pain that is caused by being judged toO harshly for one’s mistakes

i am afraid of my past
afraid that it will catch up with me and expose my ills
i am afraid of my shortcomings
afraid that they will come to light and ruin me
i left it all in the past, am a different person,
yet i am still afraid

i am afraid of forgiveness
afraid that if i forgive my past mistakes and people,
i won’t have anyone to blame for my present failures
i am afraid of loving
afraid because i refused to love when i should have loved

i am afraid of my own shadow
afraid that i can not trust myself with another’s heart
i am afraid of being kind and good
because it opens me up and exposes me to other people
i am afraid because i might get hurt

i am afraid of the present
afraid because i have no idea what my actions will result in later on
i am afraid of my fear
afraid because it will lead me to fail

i am afraid to ask forgiveness
afraid because i do not forgive easily
i am afraid of being alone ‘
afraid because loneliness hurts

i am afraid of rejection
afraid because deep down i just want to be loved
i am afraid of the night
afraid that my nightmares will come and get me

i am afraid of myself
afraid that i might not be good enough
i am afraid of being judged by others
yet i judge others

i am afraid of death
afraid because i don’t know where i’ll end up
i am afraid of myself
afraid because i do not trust myself


It’s so odd that I can be convinced that fear of this sort is detrimental and selfish, and yet I still cling to it somewhere in the back of my mind.  I’m reminded of the chapter from the Tao that I have tacked up next to my computer monitor — “Because he believes in himself, he doesn’t try to convince others.  Because he is content with himself, he doesn’t need others’ approval.  Because he accepts himself, the whole world accepts him.”

Why do I harbor fear at all?  Why am I not able to let it go – let it flow away from and out of me, and be content with the knowledge that “the universe is forever out of control, and that trying to dominate events goes against the current of the Tao”?  Why do I let other people have such a huge impact on my moods and attitudes?  Is it good to be mindful of my shortcomings in this area, or does that just make me feel worse?  How can it both be simple and complicated to answer my own questions?

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I'm a young, childless widow who is trying to figure out the best way to deal with the world in light of my late husband's suicide. It's harder than I ever imagined it would be, but somehow at the same time I am still alive and even happy sometimes.

One thought on “mmhmmm.”

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