I think this is what happened.

I had a few people over on Sunday for lunch — made ham, deviled eggs, mac and cheese, yeast rolls, green beans, etc. I didn’t go as “all out” as I sometimes do – it was very casual. But still, I hadn’t had any sort of brunch or dinner party since Matt died, and I kept thinking about how he wasn’t there. He wasn’t there to help, to play the games, to be my co-host.

UGH. Yesterday wasn’t great, but I was hoping I’d feel better by this morning. I don’t, but I could have done something about that last night. I could have exercised or cleaned my kitchen instead of watching TV and drawing.

It’s best for me to be able to ignore this while I’m at work, but ignoring it all the time isn’t so great. This is never going to “be better” though, is it?

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I'm a young, childless widow who is trying to figure out the best way to deal with the world in light of my late husband's suicide. It's harder than I ever imagined it would be, but somehow at the same time I am still alive and even happy sometimes.

3 thoughts on “”

  1. Oh sister buddy…. I want to say something encouraging.. or at least loving, but I don’t know what to say. I’m going to comment anyway, just to let you know that I’m thinking about you, and loving you, and hoping you find your way to better and better, even if that’s just the tiniest little inch today.


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