So I have been pretty much ignoring Christmas this year. I put up a tree in hopes that it would make me feel more Christmas-y, but it hasn’t, even two days before Christmas. This weekend I got most of my wrapping knocked out, which was less fun than usual. Not only did I not have to shop for Matt this year, but all my gift tags say, depressingly, “from Erin” and no one else.

I don’t talk to Matt all that much these days, but I did over the weekend…remembering how much he hated Christmas and how he’s probably glad (if he could be) that he’s missing it this year. But that no one else is.

It’s very hard to stand aside and let people you love do things that you don’t think they should, even when they are convinced that it’s the right thing for them. It’s hard because you don’t know what’s going on inside anyone’s brain but yours. And though I am regrettably quick to judge other people based on my own personal experiences that I perceive as having similarities to their situation, I realize that I really shouldn’t do that at all. The more I experience of life, the more I realize that experiences are not universal and that it’s stupid for me to assume that they are.

That to say…I really wish Matt was here, and I don’t think I would ever say that he did the right thing, but certainly he thought he did. And though I was the person closest to Matt, I still wasn’t ever inside his brain. So I don’t know.

What I do know is that around this time last year, I was getting last-minute Christmas shopping done while Matt was home relaxing; I checked our bank account balance after leaving Target and saw the transaction for the necklace that he bought me last year. I had bitched and complained about how I didn’t want to TELL him what I wanted for Christmas – I wanted him to get me something that HE thought I’d like. So he got me this leaf pendant from one of his favorite fantasy series. And I remember seeing that transaction and thinking that this was one of the best feelings in the world – my husband getting me a Christmas present that he picked out because he thought I would like it. And that I got to go home to him and shower him with love, pretending not to have noticed the order.

So that’s my favorite Christmas memory from last year, and now I’m crying again – great.

tree presents 2013

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I'm a young, childless widow who is trying to figure out the best way to deal with the world in light of my late husband's suicide. It's harder than I ever imagined it would be, but somehow at the same time I am still alive and even happy sometimes.

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