Like, 3 weeks until Christmas

I braved the cold and rain last night and bought myself a Christmas tree. It’s about 4′ tall or so – really little and cute which makes it so much easier to decorate. Haven’t had this size tree since my last year at West End.

tree 2013

I don’t know why I keep trying to analyze and sum up my feelings. Those things are helpful to an extent, but I just keep running over the same track most of the time, it feels like. I’m so far away from Matt now. Almost a year away from him. And I’m gaining distance each minute, each day, each week. He’s been dead for over 41 weeks now. Dead. And here I am, repeating all this stuff again, as if I need to remind myself that I live alone and am single.

But at the same time, I’m mindful of how thankful I should be for the circumstances that have brought me to this place. I could be so much worse-off than I am. I’m not suicidal. I’m kind of fond of being alive, at least some of the time. I wish I knew how to be more affirming and encouraging and inspiring to people, though. I guess this is stuff that can be learned. Maybe. If I’m not too lazy and self-centered.

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I'm a young, childless widow who is trying to figure out the best way to deal with the world in light of my late husband's suicide. It's harder than I ever imagined it would be, but somehow at the same time I am still alive and even happy sometimes.

One thought on “Like, 3 weeks until Christmas”

  1. I am so proud of you. You are learning, and you are open to learn more. I hope you don’t push yourself, though.

    Your tree looks like one we would have. Bravo!


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