Here’s something that’s been on my mind lately.
After Sarah was born, I experienced tons and tons of different emotions. One of them was a feeling of meaninglessness; I attributed this to the fact that while I was pregnant, I was fulfilling my biological imperative by creating a new person – which is definitely a very gratifying thing to do. Makes you feel like your life is ABOUT something, and like you’re doing something worthwhile. So after she was born and I didn’t have her anymore, I had to re-learn how to give my life meaning without a child in it. It was a little difficult – 9 months is kind of a while.
I’m feeling something similar to this now. It’s been over 9 months (oh geez, the 10 month mark is this Saturday) and I’m starting to feel a loss of urgency when it comes to piecing my life back together. What I mean is that I’m more stable now and not having to dedicate as much energy to just dealing with the fact that Matt’s still gone and will always be gone. I feel like this has been THE GOAL of my life for the last 9 months, and now that I’m able to see how much progress I’ve made, I just feel like I should have a different goal for my life.
It’s depressing to know that I am consciously moving on from Matt, but I remind myself that none of this was my decision in the first place, and that I’m just making do with what I was given. Second to last thing that Matt told me was that none of this was about me, and I also try to remember that. He wanted me to have a better life than he thought he could give me, which really upset me while he was alive – but what’s the use getting upset over it now?
Another depressing part is that I still instinctively want to talk to Matt about all of this, and get his input to see what he thinks I should do. (oh well)