Tuesday brings yet another brilliant title

I just don’t want to think about titling my entries this early in the morning. Or ever.

So it’s Tuesday morning. I’ve had a very bittersweet week so far. I am a single woman about to be 30 years old. I live by myself with my 3 cats. I have to be responsible for things like mowing my lawn (no one else is going to take care of it), and things like not over-eating or spending too much money. I have to look out for my best interest. You wouldn’t think that it would be such a difficult thing, but sometimes it is.

I had a good weekend, full of low-stress interactions with people who I like. Yesterday I came home from work and mowed the lawn, then straightened the house some. Changed my sheets, did a load of laundry. Had a sandwich and leftover mashed potatoes for dinner. Watched some TV. Read a little, cried when the mood struck me.

Why do I keep talking to Matt in the first person? Obviously he can’t hear me, and won’t ever hear me again. I know this…and sometimes I even talk to him inside my head – because that’s the only place that he’s still alive? I don’t know. How long will I feel the need to talk to him? How long should I keep his FB page up? You know, it’s been almost 5 months. They said that the initial shock lasts about 6 months generally, and then your life starts settling down again. Of course everyone’s grief is different. I don’t quite know what to expect. I just realized today that the 6 month mark is one day before Matt’s birthday.

I need to start working on being healthy. I know Matt would want that (…curse words…). I know it would make me happier and feel better. Hell, I feel better just after mowing the lawn yesterday, and it’s not like that was strenuous cardio or anything. I’ve been making an effort to eat better already but need to continue that. It’s harder when I’m just cooking for myself.

I have all these good intentions, but I am still so bad at following through sometimes. I don’t know how much of my lack of motivation is because of Matt, and how much is because of my general laziness. I feel like, as long as I’ve been single almost 5 months, that I should be able to organize and motivate myself to be better. And I guess I’m still making slow progress.

I so much want to become a better person because of all this bullshit. Do I act different? I know I feel different. I really, really want ANYthing positive that can come out of this. Yes, I have plenty of time to keep learning. Yes, I wish Matt was here too. I have to keep remembering how glad I am that he is not in such intense pain anymore. I wish there was a way he could see how much I miss him though, and feel loved.

Oh well.

Anyway, just needed to ramble a bit.

a poem

Hope this isn’t obnoxious, but I really liked this poem.

Try to Praise the Mutilated World
(Adam Zagajewski)

Try to praise the mutilated world.
Remember June’s long days,
and wild strawberries, drops of wine, the dew.
The nettles that methodically overgrow
the abandoned homesteads of exiles.
You must praise the mutilated world.
You watched the stylish yachts and ships;
one of them had a long trip ahead of it,
while salty oblivion awaited others.
You’ve seen the refugees heading nowhere,
you’ve heard the executioners sing joyfully.
You should praise the mutilated world.
Remember the moments when we were together
in a white room and the curtain fluttered.
Return in thought to the concert where music flared.
You gathered acorns in the park in autumn
and leaves eddied over the earth’s scars.
Praise the mutilated world
and the gray feather a thrush lost,
and the gentle light that strays and vanishes
and returns.

Twenty

Oh Matt, I miss you so much. I’m sorry you were in so much pain, and I’m sorry I couldn’t take it all away. I really, really wanted to. You were the most precious person in the world to me, and I can’t believe that I couldn’t save you.

It’s humbling to realize that so much is just out of my control.

Sarah

I forgot to mention – it’s Sarah’s birthday. She was born 6 years ago at 7pm – this time on that day I was trying to ignore the faint contractions and probably cleaning the house or watching TV.

Matt accused me of loving him as a replacement for Sarah. I finally convinced him that he was completely wrong last year. I know he could see how much I loved him… I think that he wasn’t really able to compute it, though.

The situation with Sarah has been a little comforting lately, because I know that time has healed that wound. It’s a completely different kind of wound of course, but it has a similar root – losing someone who you love.

Anyway. As long as I’m uploading pictures, here is one from 6 years ago.
blog - sarah 2007

And here’s one from this year, which I stole from Janet’s FB page….
blog - sarah 2013

Crossword puzzles and Cade’s Cove

It’s Monday morning. I’m back at work and figured I’d tell you guys about my weekend. It was a pretty good one, actually. I got up on Saturday morning and drove through Knoxville to Townsend and made my way to Cade’s Cove. I’d never been to the mountains by myself, and it was great. It rained the whole drive from Nashville to Knoxville, but stopped around Watt Road and stayed dry until I was driving through Townsend to get back to Knoxville.

The drive through the mountains was soothing somehow. It didn’t magically make me feel fine or not sad or anything, but it was so nice to be in the mountains surrounded by trees and moss and rhododendron and water and rocks.

blog - cades cove

(I took the picture below just because I thought it was funny that so many people had pulled over to pet the horses. Like they’ve never seen horses before or something. ??)
blog - horses at cades cove

blog - panorama

After I got back into Knoxville I decided to stop by the UT trial gardens. It WAS raining at this point, and I got pretty wet even though I was wearing a raincoat. But it was just gorgeous and I’m really glad I stopped.

blog - trial gardens

blog - rose

blog - water lilies

Sunday I went to church with Mom and Dad, and I’m glad I did that too. It’s funny – I forget how much Grace feels like home. It makes sense that it does – I spent more time there than I did anywhere except our house when I lived in Knoxville.

Grandma’s birthday party was a good time too. 🙂 All the siblings were there (Dad’s I mean) including Aunt Luci who I probably hadn’t seen in 10 years or so. I felt comfortable and like I belonged, and it was really nice.

So now I’m back in Nashville, getting on with the day-to-day again. I wish Matt was here. I wished he was with me all weekend long – and I’m not even going to try to explain what an enormous understatement that is. But it is what it is, and time is a healing power, and I’m going to be patient even though I feel like I’m treading water a lot of the time. I know I’ll be OK. But how I wish that I didn’t have anything to recover from….

Nineteen weeks in and I am still having to learn over and over again that being single is my new normal. I cannot be in another romantic relationship any time soon because I am still deeply, deeply missing MATT. It’s not just that I miss physical contact, having a companion, sex on demand, etc. It’s that I miss MATT. I still can’t believe that he’s never coming back – even though obviously I do believe it, have believed it, and realize that it couldn’t be any other way. It still shocks me anew though. I’m going to Knoxville this weekend and the only thing I want is for Matt to be alive to go with me.

But I MUST get used to being single. Matt had a disease and was in so much excruciating pain that he couldn’t deal with it anymore. It wasn’t my fault, and it wasn’t his fault. That doesn’t help me miss him any less, but it helps me be less angry and resentful. Matt loved me more than he had ever loved anyone else, and it was the same for me. It was so fucking special, and I was so fucking happy.

But I HAVE to be OK with being single. I have no other option. It’s not healthy for me to go around thinking about how much I wish I had someone to bring home with me and wake up next to me (unless it’s in mourning for Matt). I need to be content with what I have, and hope for more in the future, but re-learn how to be happy with what I have. I will always miss Matt, I know, but I do NOT need to be thinking about trying to fill his absence with anyone else right now.

It’s so hard. I feel like the ground has crumbled underneath me, and that it’s still crumbling. I need Matt to stabilize me (ironically). I need somebody to love me. I need Matt. I need Matt.

nineteen weeks and one day….

I missed blogging yesterday, but justified it by telling myself that I blogged Wednesday and that I would today as well. Yesterday was a pretty full day for me, considering. Stephen came over and watched 1776 with me, for which I was SO grateful. After he left, I devoted the next hour or so to cleaning out the garage which I had been putting off for several months. It looks WORLDS better now, and I feel very gratified. After getting the garage and house cleaned up, some old B&C coworkers came over and we grilled burgers, had jello shots, and sat around and talked/watched It’s Always Sunny (very patriotic…). Overall, it was as good of a July 4th as I had hoped for, so that was nice.

I will add that I was surprised at how much I missed Matt just because it was a holiday. It’s not like we ever celebrated the 4th of July other than watching 1776 (and sometimes Team America), but I guess the fact that it was a holiday just made Matt’s absence more noticeable to me. The books I’ve read all say that holidays are bad. I wasn’t expecting this one to be anything important though.

Oh well. I think I’m going to try to hibernate from October through March this winter, though.

Anyway, I’m going to Knoxville this weekend – Grandma’s turning 90 on Sunday. (On an unrelated note, Sarah is turning 6 on Monday.) I’m debating driving in early because I’ve just been feeling lost lately, and for some reason, spending time in an unfamiliar place seems like it might help. If I drive in tonight, I’ll probably go to the mountains tomorrow. If I drive in tomorrow morning, I don’t know what I would do with the rest of the day. I don’t have any friends in Knoxville really, except for family. Of course I never really did have all THAT many friends in Knoxville, which is maybe one reason it was so easy for me to move to Nashville. I don’t know, and it’s not important.

This week, I’ve felt like my footing has been unstable. Like I can’t see past the next turn in the road. I don’t know where I’m going anymore, and I don’t remember how to do all this alone very well. I know all the “right answers” to tell myself, but they only marginally help. Maybe I should stop trying so hard.

ALSO, I’ve decided that my blog is in no way meant to showcase fancy ideas and words, and that I don’t have to feel bad when I just spew mental gibberish here.

scattered…

My thoughts have been very scattered these last few days. They’re going all over the place and I either haven’t been doing a good job of keeping them controlled, or I haven’t been trying.

Sometimes I get the urge to just start all over somewhere. I was driving to work this morning and remembered the time that Mom and Dad brought me to visit Lipscomb, and we stayed in Cathy Pool’s mom’s apartment (right?) which was off of Charlotte, near the pink elephant. I drive there every day now, and it almost feels like home. It used to feel more like home than it does now, though; Matt was my home. Wherever he was, I was home. We could have moved anywhere, and as long as he was there I would have been happy.

I still feel so disoriented and lost sometimes. Thank God I have people here tying me to Nashville – people who love me and enjoy my company (at least some of the time anyway). It’s so easy to focus on what I have lost rather than what I still have, though; what I lost feels so immense and overpowering though – when I dwell on it anyway.

It’s been over 4 months but it feels like FOREVER since February 20th, even though I still remember that evening well. Maybe I feel like – since 4 months seems like a year ago – I should be stabilizing. And I know I am. But there’s still so much instability, questioning, doubting, loneliness, insecurity, etc. I just want to fix it all. I wish I could take a test to rate how well I’m doing in recovering from all this. It’s not an easy thing for me to gauge. People tell me that they’re glad to see that I’m doing so well…but I don’t know what “doing well” means. I guess that “doing poorly” would mean staying in bed, never cleaning or being proactive, not seeing friends, etc. I’m keeping my house clean, I’m doing fine at work, I’m asking people to hang out with me. So I guess if that means that I’m doing fine, then I’m doing fine.

I just get overwhelmed still. I wonder if anyone will ever love me like Matt did. I’m getting used to living by myself but it’s still so unnatural and I feel Matt’s absence every day.

This is a long process, I know. I need to have realistic expectations for myself. And I need to be thankful for the people who have offered to help me along the way. I need to be patient. Four months is not all that long in the scheme of things, and it’s okay for me to still be struggling; in fact, if I wasn’t, it would probably mean that I was doing something wrong.

Oh, life.