nineteen weeks and one day….

I missed blogging yesterday, but justified it by telling myself that I blogged Wednesday and that I would today as well. Yesterday was a pretty full day for me, considering. Stephen came over and watched 1776 with me, for which I was SO grateful. After he left, I devoted the next hour or so to cleaning out the garage which I had been putting off for several months. It looks WORLDS better now, and I feel very gratified. After getting the garage and house cleaned up, some old B&C coworkers came over and we grilled burgers, had jello shots, and sat around and talked/watched It’s Always Sunny (very patriotic…). Overall, it was as good of a July 4th as I had hoped for, so that was nice.

I will add that I was surprised at how much I missed Matt just because it was a holiday. It’s not like we ever celebrated the 4th of July other than watching 1776 (and sometimes Team America), but I guess the fact that it was a holiday just made Matt’s absence more noticeable to me. The books I’ve read all say that holidays are bad. I wasn’t expecting this one to be anything important though.

Oh well. I think I’m going to try to hibernate from October through March this winter, though.

Anyway, I’m going to Knoxville this weekend – Grandma’s turning 90 on Sunday. (On an unrelated note, Sarah is turning 6 on Monday.) I’m debating driving in early because I’ve just been feeling lost lately, and for some reason, spending time in an unfamiliar place seems like it might help. If I drive in tonight, I’ll probably go to the mountains tomorrow. If I drive in tomorrow morning, I don’t know what I would do with the rest of the day. I don’t have any friends in Knoxville really, except for family. Of course I never really did have all THAT many friends in Knoxville, which is maybe one reason it was so easy for me to move to Nashville. I don’t know, and it’s not important.

This week, I’ve felt like my footing has been unstable. Like I can’t see past the next turn in the road. I don’t know where I’m going anymore, and I don’t remember how to do all this alone very well. I know all the “right answers” to tell myself, but they only marginally help. Maybe I should stop trying so hard.

ALSO, I’ve decided that my blog is in no way meant to showcase fancy ideas and words, and that I don’t have to feel bad when I just spew mental gibberish here.

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I'm a young, childless widow who is trying to figure out the best way to deal with the world in light of my late husband's suicide. It's harder than I ever imagined it would be, but somehow at the same time I am still alive and even happy sometimes.

3 thoughts on “nineteen weeks and one day….”

  1. I know you must long for “normal” to come and stay. I love you.

    (Grandma’s birthday is July 8, but since Monday is not a good day to have a big celebration, we’re doing the birthday thing on Sunday.)


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