Nineteen weeks in and I am still having to learn over and over again that being single is my new normal. I cannot be in another romantic relationship any time soon because I am still deeply, deeply missing MATT. It’s not just that I miss physical contact, having a companion, sex on demand, etc. It’s that I miss MATT. I still can’t believe that he’s never coming back – even though obviously I do believe it, have believed it, and realize that it couldn’t be any other way. It still shocks me anew though. I’m going to Knoxville this weekend and the only thing I want is for Matt to be alive to go with me.

But I MUST get used to being single. Matt had a disease and was in so much excruciating pain that he couldn’t deal with it anymore. It wasn’t my fault, and it wasn’t his fault. That doesn’t help me miss him any less, but it helps me be less angry and resentful. Matt loved me more than he had ever loved anyone else, and it was the same for me. It was so fucking special, and I was so fucking happy.

But I HAVE to be OK with being single. I have no other option. It’s not healthy for me to go around thinking about how much I wish I had someone to bring home with me and wake up next to me (unless it’s in mourning for Matt). I need to be content with what I have, and hope for more in the future, but re-learn how to be happy with what I have. I will always miss Matt, I know, but I do NOT need to be thinking about trying to fill his absence with anyone else right now.

It’s so hard. I feel like the ground has crumbled underneath me, and that it’s still crumbling. I need Matt to stabilize me (ironically). I need somebody to love me. I need Matt. I need Matt.

nineteen weeks and one day….

I missed blogging yesterday, but justified it by telling myself that I blogged Wednesday and that I would today as well. Yesterday was a pretty full day for me, considering. Stephen came over and watched 1776 with me, for which I was SO grateful. After he left, I devoted the next hour or so to cleaning out the garage which I had been putting off for several months. It looks WORLDS better now, and I feel very gratified. After getting the garage and house cleaned up, some old B&C coworkers came over and we grilled burgers, had jello shots, and sat around and talked/watched It’s Always Sunny (very patriotic…). Overall, it was as good of a July 4th as I had hoped for, so that was nice.

I will add that I was surprised at how much I missed Matt just because it was a holiday. It’s not like we ever celebrated the 4th of July other than watching 1776 (and sometimes Team America), but I guess the fact that it was a holiday just made Matt’s absence more noticeable to me. The books I’ve read all say that holidays are bad. I wasn’t expecting this one to be anything important though.

Oh well. I think I’m going to try to hibernate from October through March this winter, though.

Anyway, I’m going to Knoxville this weekend – Grandma’s turning 90 on Sunday. (On an unrelated note, Sarah is turning 6 on Monday.) I’m debating driving in early because I’ve just been feeling lost lately, and for some reason, spending time in an unfamiliar place seems like it might help. If I drive in tonight, I’ll probably go to the mountains tomorrow. If I drive in tomorrow morning, I don’t know what I would do with the rest of the day. I don’t have any friends in Knoxville really, except for family. Of course I never really did have all THAT many friends in Knoxville, which is maybe one reason it was so easy for me to move to Nashville. I don’t know, and it’s not important.

This week, I’ve felt like my footing has been unstable. Like I can’t see past the next turn in the road. I don’t know where I’m going anymore, and I don’t remember how to do all this alone very well. I know all the “right answers” to tell myself, but they only marginally help. Maybe I should stop trying so hard.

ALSO, I’ve decided that my blog is in no way meant to showcase fancy ideas and words, and that I don’t have to feel bad when I just spew mental gibberish here.