so many evenings are still spent just going through the motions. this evening, I’ve been cleaning the house and just realized that each room is pretty well in order, and everything looks neat and clean. and good…but currently it’s just making me feel emptier. so my house is clean. so I’m able to make myself go through all the motions. yay. (hope you can hear the lack of enthusiasm in my tone….)

in this moment, I’m reminding myself that every step is still a victory.

Twenty one and a day

Yesterday was kinda busy. And I didn’t have a ton to say (still don’t). And I was too lazy to log into WordPress.

So it’s been over 21 weeks. If I was counting the weeks of pregnancy, I’d be half-way there. I wonder how long I’ll be able to keep up with the weeks that have passed.

This week has been pretty decent, and crying spells have been short and fairly infrequent (though not far from my mind when I’m alone). Being alone has been easier though. I’m getting more used to it. I seem to feel the best when I can spend 4-5 evenings out of the week with friends, and have a couple left to myself. I don’t particularly enjoy being alone yet, but I still get tired from social over-exertion.

Everything still reminds me of Matt. I still think about him every day, and miss him all the time. He’s becoming more distant as time passes, which is fucking depressing but also a necessary step in healing. And I want to heal, as long as I can’t have Matt anymore.

I continue to be so thankful for Ryan and for my family. I love all you guys so much.