This is what “normal” is going to look like for a while. I just realized this last night, and it made me sad. Anna Laura gave me a book by Marie Howe called This Is What the Living Do, and that phrase keeps popping into my head. This is what the living do – go to work in the morning, mow the lawn, unclog the drain, drink coffee, try to have friends, feed the cats, renew the car’s tags.
I also realized last night that the only constant in my life – so far as people and things go – is ME. It’s silly to become too attached or dependent on people or things because I am not able to control them. People might tell you that they’re going to be there for you, but they can’t guarantee that. The only person who is guaranteed to be around as long as I am…is me. That makes me feel lonely, but also reminds me that I am alive. I ought to be open to letting life flow through me like a river; I would like to be able to enjoy everything I’m able to, but let go when I need to. It’s going to be a process.
On an unrelated note, I put up my faux canopy last night. The rest of my bed frame is being delivered today, so I should be able to get the bedroom all nice and wrapped up tonight. I have new sheets, a new comforter and duvet cover set, and a new mattress pad – all of which are still unopened because I’ve been waiting to get the rest of my bed. Once I get that set up, all I’ll need to do is move the box of Matt’s clothes and do some general organization/straightening up. I have some bookshelves to fill but that has never been a problem at all. 🙂 I would almost like to just spend the rest of the week in bed, reading books or drawing. I would like it so much more if Matt was around, but he isn’t and never will be again.
I watched I Heart Huckabees last night while putting up the canopy, and it was – as always – excellent. So many things used to have so much less meaning than they do now. It’s like I have been opened up to a new level of LIFE that I never understood or really even recognized before – but I recognize it all over the place now. The inevitability of human drama, for example! When Katerine talks about how unfair life is, and how something will inevitably happen to screw things up, it resonates so much more than before. I’m more thankful than ever for the Jaffe characters too, since they offer a sort of hope out of Katerine’s hopelessness.