I got dinner with my friend Stephen last night, and then we came back to my house to watch a movie (finally saw Moonrise Kingdom which will stay on my list of movies to buy, and I’ll be on the lookout for the soundtrack as well). We went to Rumours East which has a beautiful outdoor seating area. I might go back just for that. The food was good, but too expensive to eat very regularly. It was a gorgeous place to just sit, talk, drink.
Anyway. I felt a little sad last night though, because I felt really pretty but had no one around to appreciate it. I know, it’s one of those “secondary losses.” I should be satisfied that I just felt pretty, and stop complaining. Ugh, it’s frustrating that I can’t have what I want. Maybe it’s good that I come to terms with this now rather than later. Who knows.
It’s been twelve weeks today. Twelve weeks ago, Matt was still alive but knew that he wouldn’t be by the end of the day. We would have been texting about whether to go to Costco after work to get lettuce. The plan was to have veggie burgers and salad that night. I don’t think I ended up having anything for dinner though.
It’s still so frustrating to me that I have to move on but don’t want to. I AM moving forward. I’m still alive, still have a life, can still thrive and be happy with life, and can still love people. I HATE that Matt isn’t here with me. Fucking hate it. But there is absolutely nothing that I can do about that; it was his decision to leave, and I made my opinion clear as day to him over and over and over again – even minutes before he killed himself. He knew what I thought, and went the other direction anyway. It’s useless for me to fight it. All I can do now is nurse my wounds and try to heal. Oh, my Matt. It’s still surreal sometimes to think that he stuck a gun in his mouth and pulled the trigger. WTF.
Not sure what I’ll do this evening. I might just go home and do some drawing. Michael’s had all their canvases 50% off so I bought a bunch. Started an oil pastel the other night which needs lots of work before I ever show it to anyone, so that one might get scrapped. I’d really like to be able to do good oil pastel portraits though. We’ll see.