I feel annoying disconnected at work. Everything is the same in my brain, but I don’t have any freedom of expression here (other than writing). It’s not so bad when I’m busy, but I don’t typically stay busy all day long. I want this pain to be over, but I know that I have to walk through it before I can heal and I’d like to get on with that. This is me being impatient though, and trying to fix the problem as quickly as I can. It’s not realistic. What IS realistic is that I am walking through this even at work – it’s just more frustrating here.
I found a suicide survivor forum which I joined, Alliance of Hope, and I read something this morning which has been stuck in the back of my head since then. The writer said something along the lines of, “How am I supposed to ‘move on’? The person who loved me and protected me and shared my life is gone. The person who was the reason I cooked meals, kept the house clean, and dressed myself up is gone. The person who made me coffee and sat with me every day is gone. How in the world can I move on?” This really resonates with me. My brain tries to downplay all the stress I’m under sometimes, but I shouldn’t let it because my life is very much pieces of what it used to be. I, myself, am broken too. Even though I had more warning than some people whose loved ones commit suicide, that doesn’t change the fact that it was sudden and unexpected and sometimes I feel like I’ve been through a paper shredder.
Today, at this moment, I am dealing with the fact that Matt is dead and will never, ever be coming back to me. I am accepting it. Further implications have not been acknowledged – I’m just wrapping my head around what I can and not worrying about the rest. I know this is subject to change at any minute but I’m glad that I can see it this way right now. It’s so much more painful to not be able to believe that I’ll see Matt again but at the same time not be able to let go.
For the record, every time any of you comments on my posts, I get excited. So you should keep doing it/do it more often. 🙂 Even if the feedback isn’t necessarily “helpful” to me, the fact that there IS feedback makes me glad.