three weeks

Three weeks, around 11:30am.

The mornings are still the worst. I had to force myself to get up and take a shower this morning. I just don’t care…I don’t want to go about these “normal” activities when everything is still anything but normal. I don’t want to go to work and have to pretend to be “fine” all day long – at least when I’m dealing with customers. I don’t want to do anything without Matt.

I guess I can tell that I am gradually getting more used to doing things without Matt. I shouldn’t say “used to” because that’s not really accurate. “Resigned to” is better. But that’s not even accurate either because sometimes I can’t even deal with being resigned to never see Matt again. It’s so unbelievably depressing. All I can do – pretty much literally – is just to keep putting one foot in front of the other and hope that it’s enough. I want to be happy again, and I know Matt certainly wanted that for me too. It’s going to take me a long time to get there, I can tell. I can’t do anything about it though – except keep trudging along. Missing Matt every step of the way with every fiber in my being.

I keep trying to find comfort somewhere – anywhere. All I want is for Matt to be here, comforting me, rubbing my back, helping me clean the house, going to the Brewhouse — doing whatever he wants. This is the least comforting thought though, since I’m never, ever going to be able to do any of these things with him again. Three weeks later and this isn’t any better or easier yet. I might be making progress, and I think I probably am, but it’s excrutiatingly slow and painful.

In the meantime I have to keep going to work. I have to keep paying all of my bills, and feeding the cats. I have to figure out how to cancel Matt’s cell phone plan and his bank account, and his car insurance. Maybe I should have done that stuff already – I don’t know. I don’t want to say that I hate my life right now because that just sounds melodramatic to me, but I am really not fond of it. I’m glad for all of my friends, but the love from everyone combined doesn’t even begin to make up for the love that is gone. I don’t mean to sound ungrateful because I am VERY grateful. But it’s just true.

EDIT: I used the chat feature and was able to cancel Matt’s cell phone plan. The guy waived the early cancellation fee and told me he would pray for me and all that. I know he’s supposed to act that way, but it ended up being much simpler than I had been anticipating. Now to the car insurance and bank accounts.

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I'm a young, childless widow who is trying to figure out the best way to deal with the world in light of my late husband's suicide. It's harder than I ever imagined it would be, but somehow at the same time I am still alive and even happy sometimes.

One thought on “three weeks”

  1. From what I hear, the grieving person can’t see the “getting better,” even though it really is happening. Even the tiniest increments add up.


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